I never thought I’d be saying this, and especially so soon after Connie’s death, but I’m starting to deal with the world again and I don’t feel like I’m just going through the motions. Of course, I’m suspicious of this new feeling, but a couple of things make me think I’m starting to turn the corner.
Firstly, I was finally able to walk away from the old house in Plano — if I don’t want to, I don’t ever have to see it again. (Here’s an example of my disconnect: the painter asked me what color I wanted the outside gutters and drainpipes painted. I waved my hand around to encompass the whole street and said, “Use whatever color fits the neighborhood. I don’t care, it’s not my house anymore.”) I will go back, of course, just to make sure the reno went as planned, but I don’t have to — all the work is nearly done, next week the “stagers” come in to make the place look decent, and then the agent will list it. Basically, what happens next will happen, and there’s not much I can do to affect the outcome. After the burden of emptying the place out and the scourging of my soul that went with that activity, the house is no longer Connie’s and mine: it is somebody else’s house now, the market just hasn’t decided whose, yet.
Secondly, I’m dealing with being alone again better than I thought I would. Doc’s been on an extended shift at the ER, which left me pretty much by myself for the past two days. I have to admit that the first few hours were a little nerve-wracking; but amazingly, I settled into the routine of solo living without too much anguish. Mostly, I napped — good grief, I had no idea I could sleep so much, my body must have decided that it was time to make up for all those sleepless nights over the past two or three years — and I even started making plans for the near future.
Once the house is sold, I’ll probably be able to start working again — “working” being whatever I can find that will pay me enough to keep me afloat. (There’s a book to finish — one scene yet to write — and there might be a YouTube Kim channel in the future, but I can’t work out those details just yet.) I wish I could start doing that now, but I need the sale of the house to close that particular chapter of my life so I have to be available in case there’s an emergency. (One story to share: the flooring people are using the leftover tiles from our big flooring project from back in 2004 to fix up the master bathroom. I measured, re-measured and made the flooring contractor measure the space as well, just to ensure that we could agree that there was enough stock on hand. When we’d finished I said to him, “Just know this: if I get a call right after Lowe’s closes, telling me there isn’t enough tile to finish the job, there will be gunfire. Use the stock frugally.” There were wide-open, fearful eyes looking back at me. I think he got the message.)
Finally, and I hate to do this more than anything I can think of: I need a little more money to get this job done — new turf in the front, fixing the sprinkler system up and so on — so if you all can go to the well for me just one more time and drop whatever you can spare into my GoFundMe appeal, I will be grateful beyond words. The minute the house is sold, whatever it’s sold for and even if it sells for a loss, I plan to close the appeal for good because I can’t stand begging for money anymore.
Enough, already. Once this is done, it will be time to get on with my life, on my own terms and on my own two feet. I know exactly how Scarlett O’Hara felt, because AGIMW, I am never going to beg for money again.
And one more time: thank you all from the bottom of my heart for making this possible. I would not have survived this catastrophe, this loss, this upending of my life, without the financial generosity and just as importantly, the moral support I’ve received from all of you. My gratitude is profound, and eternal because at long last, I feel that I’m going to make it.
I can even listen to that beautiful song now without dissolving into a pool of tears.
AGIMW? Are you allowed to invoke a higher power? I thought that was against the rules.
But I’m very glad you’re feeling better.
It’s perfectly permissible for atheists to invoke the Deity to make a point. That’s one good thing about being a heathen: you can use whatever device you want to further your argument. Other atheists know what you mean, and the theists are impotent to prevent it.
LOL! You crack me up.
Sounds to me like he was invoking the power of GWTW, rather than a deity.
Well, if you don’t think Vivien Leigh was divine.
There are some people who think that way, Strel. And they should be hanged.
“And one more time: thank you all from the bottom of my heart for making this possible. I would not have survived this catastrophe, this loss, this upending of my life, without the financial generosity and just as importantly, the moral support I’ve received from all of you.”
You’re worth it.
Glad to see you back on the Intarwebs… though I am sorry to hear about your loss.
There were a couple of things I would have commented on before, but I had to get the login registered.
Nothing to say here, but a couple of format suggestions.
1) The comment link below each post is way below the post, but just over the post below, which is confusing.
2) The only page-to-page navigation links are at the page bottom. If one is reading an earlier page, and finishes the last post at the top, one has to scroll all the way to the bottom to navigate to the next page. This is annoying.
Rich,
All good points, Have passed them on to Tech Support v.2
Kim, no man is an island. Sometimes, you need help because…reasons.
Another point – the comment edit button won’t let me edit the post above, because there has been another comment posted – it says.
????
And it seems there was a comment just after mine, and this edit works.
Good to see you on the mend.
I am glad you are back. I had to shutter Home on the Range post-election as someone shared my address with a liberal group and you can guess the outcome. Oh no, Bacon. GUNS.
So sorry to hear about Connie’s passing and I understand how deeply that runs right now. Lost both Barkley and my only brother within days back in 2014. On the plus side it got me off my butt to write that book everyone told me to write, which became a second book, then a third. Know, you are in our thoughts, and we’ll add to the Go Fund Me.
One final note, other than a virtual thank-you for all you’ve made me proud to read over the years. About 8-9 years ago you gave my writing a shout out on your blog. A young man, gunblogger and son of a gunblogger and fairly recent college grad, started following. We became best friends on the net. Then we met in person. I proceeded to bust a move walking Barkley and he canceled his Christmas and drove me 100’s of miles to get to my own ortho guy for surgery as I seriously honked up my knee. He is now my husband. I know all the cougar jokes and we had to get a bigger gun safe but if not for you, I’d still be on my own, buying microwave bacon and considering a cat.
Kim,
It’s not begging for money if people want to pay you for the ice cream. I’d be happy to put up a monthly subscription fee; I’ve paid way more for much less entertainment.
Call it the Evil Kim Entertainment Fund… 😎
Well, mixed feelings here, Kim. Glad to see you are “back” (over the years I wondered if we’d ever get to see your unique take on world events) but I’m so sorry to hear of the circumstances!
I think one of the most pernicious myths we cling to in our quick-fix oriented society is the concept of “closure”, as if the passing of some specific event, or some date, or some THING, will ease the pain of grief.
And I think it’s pernicious because it’s bullshit. I get it – people WANT to believe that there is some way out of the seemingly bottomless pit of grief, they want so badly to believe there is a shortcut that they invent one. But the truth is that there is no quick fix. Time can numb the pain but time takes – well, TIME.
Anyway, my condolences to you and in spite of the circumstances, I’m glad to see you back to blogging. I know I’m not the only faithful reader who has missed you over the years.
Take care!
Martin AKA Staff Martin (the Antelope guy!)