All in ascending order of frightfulness, as usual.
Told by men:
- “You won’t get pregnant; my family’s been sterile for generations.”
- “I’ll just put the tip in.”
- “…and forsaking all others…”
- “I’ll call you next time I’m in town.”
- “She means nothing to me!”
Told by women:
- “Size isn’t important.”
- “I won’t try to change you after we get married.”
- “I don’t fake my orgasms.”
- “Bad boys don’t turn me on.”
- “I’d love you even if you weren’t rich.”
Your suggestions in Comments. Bonus points if you’ve actually uttered them, or had them told to you.
~ She’s only a friend
~ My Mercedes is paid for
~ I’ve had a vasectomy
~ I’m on sabbatical, not unemployed
~ My divorce is final
The two great Irish lies:
The check is in your mouth
I won’t come in your mailbox.
Personally, I’ve been told the divorce was final, then had her husband open the door when I went to pick her up.
The song by David Allan Coe called “3Biggest Lies in the World” comes to mind. It has quite the story arc…
Well the motorcycle club had a party,
And all the young virgins were there.
And I found a blonde with little bitty titties
And a pretty yellow ribbon in her hair.
Then I told her the three biggest lies in the world,
The ones my Daddy first told me,
And that was the beginning of my sexual life
And the end of my fantasy.
I said, “This’ll only hurt for a little while,
I’ll only put the head of it in.
I promise that I’ll never try to cum in your mouth.”
Met her in a local honky-tonk,
Told her it was love at first sight.
She was just a-lookin’ for a shoulder to cry on
And a place where she could spend the night.
Me, I was a little nervous – I’d never been that far before,
So I told her the three biggest lies in the world
As we danced across the floor.
I said, “This’ll only hurt for a little while,
I’ll only put the head of it in.
I promise that I’ll never try to cum in your mouth.”
Busted in a Birmingham robbery,
He didnt have no money for bail.
The judge bound him over to the local grand jury
And the Sheriff threw his young ass in jail.
They put him in the cell with a pervert,
That later tried to climb in his bed.
Stuck one of them homemade knives to his throat,
And these are the words that he said,
Good Buddy- “This’ll only hurt for a little while,
I’ll only put the head of it in.
I promise that I’ll never try to cum in your mouth.”
You know I’m a HUGE fan of David Allan Coe, right?
See, I always knew I liked you for some reason.
By women: “I won’t change after we get married.”
By men:- I don’t snore
That’s never happened to me before
It’s not you, it’s me
I only drink/smoke/do drugs on the weekend
I’m allergic to condoms
By women:- I don’t fart
I don’t like shoes and handbags
I swallow
I love butt sex
Of course I’m fine with your boys’ weekend in Vegas/Blackpool
Re: your ladies’ nos. 3 and 4: so much for THAT fantasy.
;=)
When out having a beer with mates:
“I’m leaving in 10 minutes”
When shopping with women:
“I’ll only be 10 minutes in this store”
Told by men: Of COURSE I care about you!
Told by women: Don’t worry, I’m on the pill!