Aaaaaargh FFS I’m just about to explode with rage over here. Why? Because the Language Police are out in force, trying to circumscribe my speech yet again, but this time from another direction.
It’s bad enough that I can’t say the words “snigger” or “blackball” without some fucking snowflake or race hustler getting triggered and calling me Worse Than Hitler — we’re all familiar with that form of PC regulation.
Here’s the list of ‘helpful’ suggestions from PETA for teachers to use with their pupils instead of the current ‘harmful’ phrases. It recommends:
- ‘Let the cat out of the bag’ is changed to ‘Spill the beans’
- ‘Be a guinea pig’ to ‘Be the test tube’
- ‘Hold your horses’ to ‘Hold the phone’
- ‘Open a can of worms’ to ‘Open Pandora’s box’
- ‘Bring home the bacon’ to ‘Bring home the bagels’
- ‘Put all your eggs in one basket’ to ‘Put all your berries in one bowl’
- ‘Kill two birds with one stone’ to ‘Feed two birds with one scone’
- ‘Take the bull by the horns’ to ‘Take the flower by the thorns’
- ‘Flog a dead horse’ to ‘Feed a fed horse’
- ‘More than one way to skin a cat’ to More than one way to peel a potato’
Now the fucking vegans have to get involved in language? Great Caesar’s bleeding hemorrhoids, isn’t there any part of my life which can escape the censure of these bastard busybodies?
[deep breath]
I think the best thing I can do (apart from some activity involving an AK-47 and a few Molotov cocktails) is to offer up some suggestions which escaped the above list, but that we may use just to antagonize these pricks a little further:
- Bleeding the lizard (male urination)
- Choking the chicken (male masturbation)
- Spearing the bearded clam (shagging)
- Harpooning a whale (fucking a fat chick — a twofer, because body-shaming)
- Bonking a buffalo (ditto)
- Poking a panther (fucking a Black chick)
- Tonguing the trout (cunnilingus)
- Eating an eel (fellatio)
- Playing with the puppies (fondling a woman’s breasts)
- …and all the expressions involving the word “pussy”, e.g. pussyfooting.
If anyone has any other suggestions, go at it in Comments. I’m too angry to think.
No I’m not: I think I’ll go and roast me a leg of lamb for dinner.
Here’s the source:
In fact, this may be our best revenge on these gastronomic Puritans: every time you read something about vegans that pisses you off, make yourself a meat dish for dinner. Or go completely overboard at lunchtime:
*I should point out that “Open Pandora’s box” is probably offensive to some feministicals because of its quasi-sexual connotation, but I’ll let them fight it out with the vegans, preferably with nuclear weapons so we can have a little mutually-assured destruction.
Okay, that thought put a smile back on my face.
My alternative suggestions:
‘Let the cat out of the bag’ is changed to ‘fuck PETA’
‘Be a guinea pig’ to ‘fuck PETA’
‘Hold your horses’ to ‘fuck PETA’
‘Open a can of worms’ to ‘fuck PETA’
‘Bring home the bacon’ to ‘fuck PETA’
‘Put all your eggs in one basket’ to ‘fuck PETA’
‘Kill two birds with one stone’ to ‘fuck PETA’
‘Take the bull by the horns’ to ‘fuck PETA’
‘Flog a dead horse’ to ‘fuck PETA’
‘More than one way to skin a cat’ to ‘fuck PETA and the horses they rode up on’
Gwal, that could turn out to be a little confusing, but I like the way you think.
They missed a few:
Get your ducks in a row so you can kill them more conveniently.
You can’t make an omelette without killing some unborn chickens.
You can’t beat an old dog hard enough to teach him new stuff.
Slower than a snail I just stepped on.
Dog eat dog. (I like that one as it is.)
Like shooting fish in a barrel. (Hm. That one, too.)
I feel as nervous as the time I actually ate a bunch of beautiful butterflies for fun.
Stupid ducks sitting there waiting for me to shoot them.
The cat was so curious I killed it.
The straw that snapped the camel’s spine.
I just put a bunch of murdered Bambi in my freezer yesterday. I should pull out a filet for dinner.
I forgot:
Screwed the pooch. That one is also good as it stands.
This is so much fun, I may go the whole hog.
This sort of thing is why I’m considering carrying a rattan cane. Not to get around, to administer a solid thrashing. The impersonal Rod of Wisdom.
Try as I may, I can see no downside to your plan.
“Bring home the bagels”? PETA probably doesn’t know that the expression “bucks to bagels” is the equivalent of “dollars to doughnuts,” or basically, something to nothing. That means “bring home the bagels” is basically “bring home nothing.” (Or “bring home goose-eggs,” but I guess PETA would throw a fit about that, too.) I suppose that expression would be suitable for the kind of economy the DemocRATS want to impose on us…but I’ll stick with “bacon,” thanks. Crisp, juicy, flavorful bacon. 😀
I like your protest methodology, but it’s hard for me to implement as my diet consists almost entirely of dead, burned, animal flesh as is. Can’t protest the NFL either as I’ve never been a fan.
It’s a hard life:-).
“Going whole hog,” to “Going Lena Dunham.”
“More than one way to skin a cat” to “More than one way to nail Pam Anderson.”
“Take the bull by the horns,” to “Punch AntiFa in the mask.”
“A canary in a coal mine” to “A bird in a wind farm.”
“Sometimes you have to break a few eggs” to “Sometimes you have to punch a few Socialists.”
“No use crying over spilled milk” to “No use sighing over spoiled college students.”
There are more, but I have to get to this work thingy.
…and just when you were getting into your stride, too. Bastards.
I don’t really like lamb, but veal cutlets sounds really good about now.
In the future we will refer to bacon & eggs as: Adipose Swine Tissue & Chicken Embryos.
OK, I’ll submit to the new rules. Instead of “Hey PETA, suck my cock” I’ll just say “Hey PETA, suck my dick.”
…and get sued for a hate crime by all the Richards of the world.
I usually tell people “There’s more than one way to skin a cat, but there’s only one GOOD way. I know. I’ve done it.”
I disected a cat in Vertebrate Anatomy, back in college. Cats look pretty pitiful, soaked in formalin, until you get their fur off. So PETAns beware – I still have my disection kit, and the scalpel’s sharp as ever.
( I used to threaten my late cat with that line. But, being a cat, she ignored me. And no, I did not cause her death. She lived to the ripe old age of thirteen.)
I’d say this is probable cause to tell PETA and their myrmidons to GFY. However, in the interests of comity, I’ll simply post this rocking tune — as a bit of snook cockery.
https://youtu.be/KIjcNDiaPoM
Here I have been poking a panther for 25 years and didn’t know that was what it was called.