Not Wanted

Funny Stuff

Inspired by this piece in the DM, I list things that seem insubstantial or unimportant, but under the reign of World-Emperor Kim (see above) would be banned and destroyed whenever seen in public:

  • Oddly- flavored booze, e.g. chocolate vodka and raspberry-flavored beer.  Just thinking about them makes my mouth go lemon-shaped and my stomach go into spasm.
  • Light (“lite”) beer.  The only way I’d agree to letting this shit stay around was if it were sold for ten cents a gallon.  Then everyone who drank it would get horribly drunk and die in car crashes, thus solving two problems.
  • Crocs, when worn outside the garden.  They work surprisingly well as gardening shoes, but there are limits.
  • Ditto Uggs:  excellent slippers, should not be seen in public.
  • Chewing gum.  Disgusting stuff, especially when chewed with an open mouth.
  • Nose rings.  Absolutely nobody’s appearance is enhanced by this foul facial appurtenance.
  • Car decals.  Every last one of them, no exceptions, and  especially the smug mini-billboards like “Proud Parent Of An Honor Student”.  Don’t even get me started on the “go faster” stripes, or flames.
  • “Lifted” trucks on public roads.

Note that I’ve left off the large stuff like Modernist architecture, Glocks and music produced by Simon Cowell.  They are a constant irritation to me and have often been featured on these pages, so I’m not going to belabor the point.

Other than “carpeted bathrooms”, I found most of the things in the DM  list rather inoffensive, albeit some in bad taste.  And they can take my Nicky Cage sequin pillow from my cold dead hands.

Feel free to add your favorite hates to the list.  (Just stuff, no people — we all know who you’d want to see gone, or be first on the noose.)

34 comments

  1. Chemical laden “flavored” foods. The DM article mentioned blue maple syrup, but it wasn’t actually syryp, it was “maple flavored syrup”.

    I would add to that list, “frozen dairy desserts” (fake ice cream), “processed cheese food” (fake cheese), “bacon flavored bits” (fake bacon), and pretty much any other “flavored” food product.

    1. I have long maintained that processed cheese food is some form of petroleum distillate.

  2. I’ll throw in some things about hygiene and grooming.

    Men with the scruffy three day old beard look. I’ve got nothing against a full well groomed beard – they look quite good. My gripe is directed toward the “I’m coming off a three day drunk and I lost my razor” style. This look is popular among the hipsters who can’t generate enough testosterone to support a real beard. On the other end of the scale the wild untrimmed ZZ Top look has little to recommend it. Those beards say “I haven’t used a pair of scissors or a comb on this tangled mess since Carter was president.”

    Men who wear hats indoors. I see cowboy hats that are worn in fairly good restaurants, dirty sweat stained baseball caps in just about every type of professional office and all sorts of hats in church. That’s okay if you’re Jewish but our culture used to see a hat as an offense to the Christian God. I should say “I’m glad that guy is in church. Maybe the experience will do him some good.” Instead I say to myself “Have some respect you barbarian.”

    Pre ripped jeans on either sex. I wish that I had the smarts to buy a $20 pair of jeans, run them through a wood chipper, and then sell them for $100. I much prefer to wear out my own clothes and I throw them in the rag bag long before there’s more skin than denim showing.

    1. An older farmer and his wife I know made quite a bit of money selling his worn-out, holed blue jeans in Ebay.

  3. There is one “lite” alcoholic product that is worth while. That is 40 proof vodka. In the fall you pour a few gallons into the fresh water tank of your yacht*, and during the winter it keeps the tanks and lines from freezing up. In the spring you get a bunch of your buddies or crew over for a spring commissioning party and boat cleaning. Then it’s off to Bermuda.

    * You do have a yacht, don’t you? A yacht is defined by the New York Yacht Club as a boat of over thirty-eight feet length overall. NYYC has definitions for lots of useful things. One of them is the prescribed order of the signal flags you use when you “dress” your boat. At each end of the line it is to reach the water and be weighted down with a bottle of Champagne.

  4. Can’t argue too much with your list, although I’ve often thought Crocs would be good shoes to wear for launching/retrieving a bass-boat for fishing, they’re unaffected by getting wet, and the soles are enough to protect you from hooks (and there are ALWAYS lost hooks around boat launches, and you do NOT want them in your feet).

    I’ll also admit to liking some of the Sam Adams varieties of flavored beers (I especially like Fezziwig’s Ale which has Christmas spices in it), because they keep the flavoring subtle so it hits as an aftertaste to the beer, and doesn’t overpower the beer. Someday I’ll tell you about the time my wife’s cousin brought a case of Bud Lite Orange to the cousin’s golf weekend. Foul stuff which ticks off TWO of the items on your list.

    Among my peeves:

    Tattoos on women. I’ve seen some that were true works of art, but I’d rather they were on canvas instead of the skin of an otherwise attractive young lady. Not crazy about most tats on men either, unless they’re of the USMC/Special Forces variety.

    Piercings on men, or piercings on women anywhere but her earlobes. (There’s another story there, but I’ll need to be drunk to tell it. Maybe this afternoon, it IS Friday after all).

    Modern Catholic music. I was away from home over Christmas, so wife and I visited her old church on Christmas morning. The music reminded me of that for a jingle in a commercial for a bank. Makes me glad for the music program at my church.

    1. Just say NO to Crocs.

      Go to a marine store and get some Sperry 7 Seas or Harbormaster shoes. They look like regular athletic shoes but are amazing feather light water shoes. The mesh drains well, and they wont stay filled with water, get soggy, or weigh your feet down. They’re also non-marking, have excellent grip, and great for wading. I use them for boating and clamming in Hatteras.

      My size 12s only weigh a few ounces and feel like I don’t even have shoes on.

      1. Screw you guys! You ain’t rockin’ if you ain’t crocin’! 😊👍

    2. LL bean water shoes. They look like sneakers and like Ravenwood described, the fabric top is a mesh that drains water. Also there are drains in the sole. I wear them kayaking for the same reasons, fish hooks and other debris at boat ramps.

      JQ

    4. I have never seen a woman with a tattoo who wouldn’t have looked better without it.
      I don’t understand the need for an otherwise beautiful woman to mutilate her skin.

      I do enjoy a bottle of Lindemans Raspberry Lambic from time to time though, which seems really more like a sparkling wine.

  5. Encountered this transgression against decency during a recent grocery run: peanut butter flavored… whisky. Ye gods. Although somewhat less surprising that it was observed at Walmart.

    What in the name of Beavis & Butthead is the thinking behind the asinine ear lobe stretching thingies? Reminds me of the tribal pics one used to see in National Geographic.

    Classically trained “singing.” Which isn’t singing at all, of course. It is pretentious goddamned shrieking and bellowing; shrill and forced and indescribably pompous.

    1. The peanut butter whiskey is gross unless mixed with Creme de Banana to make an Elvis.

      As much as i like lots of varieties of cheese, we can’t get rid of some of that fake processed cheese food type substance. They are good on traditional philly cheese steaks at Pat’s and it’s good with nachos and some other food.

      you’re right about tattoos on women. Small, discrete tattoos ok. I’ve never seen a gorgeous woman and thought that she could improve her looks by getting sleeves, a back piece etc

      I’d get rid of golf courses because they’re a waste of good target ranges but Paige Spiranac changed my mind on that.

      lots of crap listed that needs to go away.

      Perhaps Auto tuned commercial music needs to go away. If you don’t develop the talent then don’t rely on a machine to do it for you.

      JQ

      2. “The peanut butter whiskey is gross unless mixed with Creme de Banana to make an Elvis.”

        I just threw up in my mouth, quite a lot.

    2. Classically trained “singing.” Which isn’t singing at all, of course. It is pretentious goddamned shrieking and bellowing; shrill and forced and indescribably pompous.

      AKA “Yoko Ono”

      1. If she was “classically trained”, I’ll drink a fifth of Peanut butter flavored whiskey with witnesses.
        Ono is an example of Charles Russell’s maxim that “An artist is the only thing you can say you is that nobody can say you ain’t.”

  6. 1. Women wearing men’s hats – like fedoras and trilbys.
    2. Idiot men wearing the same hats that don’t realize you don’t wear them inside.
    3. The ‘where’s waldo’ millenial cap/look. Especially here in Texas in the summer. 98 degrees, wool hat, seriously?
    4. Loud exhausts on your shitty 4 banger. Pro tip- doesn’t make it faster.
    5. 4 cyl, 2L turbo motors in full size trucks.
    6. Hard Seltzer. Order a vodka tonic FFS.

    My church is planning a raffle – a 2021 bronco – Cool! Comes with a 3 cyl motor – UnCool!

    2. What does second place get? Two 3-cyl Broncos?

      The Bronco I spec’d out was $60k. No thanks.

  7. I am going to have to respectfully disagree with you on the car decals. I have always had two on every car I have owned for the last 15 years. One that says “US Army Veteran” , and underneath it the latest “I Voted” sticker from the last election (until it falls off ).

  8. I had a pair of Uggs back in the early ’90s which were great for living in upstate New York in the winter.

    Why anyone would wear them on a hot day in LA is totally beyond me. Unless having really sweaty smelly feet is your thing….

  9. Don’t even need a lite beer exception. On a diet? Drink Guinness. 166 calories a pint. You’re welcome.

    TVs over fireplaces. You’ve heard that rant recently.

    All smartphones must have geofencing that prohibits it from running the speaker outside your home or office. No speakerphone conversations, no music, no games, no videos. Get headphones.

    Child resistant caps. Time to thin the herd.

    Sugary drinks in containers larger than 6 oz. That is an actual serving size. We had our chance to “share a Pepsi” in the 12 oz can. We couldn’t handle it. I’ve seen people drinking directly from a 2l. I Got a family deal at KFC a while ago that came with a big 128 oz iced tea. THEY HANDED ME A STRAW. Just end it. A gallon with a straw. Oh, and soda was an option.

    That includes “sugar free”. You drink a gallon of Diet Coke a day? Too bad. Deal with storing two dozen cans a day and acknowledge how much poison you are consuming.

    Crisco. There’s no good reason for it to exist. Stop eating industrial lubricant. More importantly stop sneaking it into food at restaurants.

    Pesticides that target bees. No good reason for them to exist. Just bought a lime tree without realizing it had been treated with that shit. Now I have to trim all the blossoms off of it for the next three years to avoid murdering my neighbor’s whole hive. It’s like designing a baby seeking bullet. You shouldn’t do it even if you can.

    XL spandex anything. Large sizes too.

    Devices made to help the morbidly obese. Morbid obesity should be.

    Any kind of pride or group flag. No gay rainbows, no lgbtbbq, no pow/Mia, no thin blu line, just axe it all. State flag, US flag. That’s all you get. Solves the confederate flag thing too.

  10. I know the post was [mostly] tongue-in-cheek, but really… You guys are sounding like a bunch of [il]liberals.

    I’ve said it once, I’ll say it again: “Free American citizens are allowed to have different tastes than you and I”

    That’s all we need is a shooting war between the Scotch drinkers and the Bourbon drinkers. Those of us who like both, will be caught in the crossfire. No thank you.

    I have one of those stickers on my car. It’s a “warfare pin” – the dolphins that signify that I am “Qualified in Submarines”. You mess with that and you WILL get shot. (After a person spends enough time on the boats, jail gets a lot easier.)

    I have a flag that I fly on special occasions that is neither the US nor my state flag. It’s the “Don’t tread on me” snake flag that was the Navy jack on the boat I was on in the bicentennial year 1976. I stole it honestly on New Years day 1977. (See the comment above about messing with that.)

    Now, carpet in a bathroom. I’m with you. [grin]

    1. I wouldn’t ban the stuff through edicts, laws etc. I’d just like some social pressure to get people to dress, act, drink, eat less like boorish hobos.

      JQ

      1. Yeah, I get it JQ. It’s all in fun – (except with Phelps up there. He’s channeling his inner “Mayor Bloomberg”.)

        But, then again, if I ever get to be world dictator, I have one thing on my list of things to outlaw by decree, and it’s been there for many years…

        The stupid necktie — GONE the very first day!

        Roy – Who’s running and ducking as our host throws heavy shit at him.

        1. I just remembered a humorous anecdote.

          Richard Nixon resigned the presidency in August 1974. A couple of years later, talk show host Dick Cavett had him on his show for an extended interview – the first since his resignation. It was a very interesting interview.

          There was a lot of talk about Nixon’s precedent setting trip to China. One of the questions Dick Cavett asked him was: “What was your first impression of Chinese society when you went there?”

          Nixon answered, and I quote: “Any society that can eliminate the necktie can’t be all bad.”

          1. Regarding neckties: I was once cornered by a Sophomore Feminist who wanted to rant about high heels being symbolic hobbles. I asked her, “What are you whining about, when I dress formally, I’m supposed to wear a symbolic leash?!”.

  11. The most obvious one is people who have a long phone conversation in a lineup. And I’ve been in so many lines the last year of WuFlu.

  12. My crocs are “house shoes”.
    We have 17 acres of black gumbo land with 7 horses, 3 German Shepherds and about 8 cats – the outside shoes get quite nasty at times, so I slip on my crocs anytime I am in the house.
    No, I would not wear them out in public!!

  14. Years ago I shopped occasionally at a liquor store that had a shelf unit dedicated to odd flavored booze (bubblegum schnapps and the like😝). The owner referred to it as “Every bad idea a frat boy ever had in one place”.

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