I see that beautiful New Zealand is opening its borders to tourists next month, and my only thought is:
No. Fucking. Way.
Sure; I’ll endure a 17-hour flight in an economy seat, arrive in Kiwiland only to discover that someone has caught the sniffles so Reichsfuehrer Jacinda Wossname can lock the place up again, inflicting an endless stream of horrible TV, bad food and ugly, badly-dressed and ultra-feministical wimmyns* on my sensitive soul?
Listen: the only reason I’d go Further Down Under would be to watch NZ play rugby or cricket against South Africa or England, and even that’s a dubious proposition.
Now I need to ameliorate my apparent harshness with this observation: while I’ve never met an Australian (male or female) that I didn’t want to punch in the mouth ten minutes after meeting them, I have always enjoyed the company of (male and female) New Zealanders: Australians without the rudeness and attitude, to make it brief. But that’s not enough.
Not gonna happen, and as for the beautiful scenery: you can stick it up your Peter Jackson. Middle Earth, my aching African-American ass.
*hence the old joke: Hear about the Miss New Zealand competition? Nobody won.