Job Opening

Media Assholes

Right here in Texas:

I’m applying for the job.

Just think of my initial report descriptions:

Jesuslanders are irrationally opposed to sexualization of 3-year-olds.  Send $125,000 so I can investigate this strange mindset further by polling studies.

Inexplicably, gun ownership appears to be a big thing here.  Send $125,000 so I can build a small arsenal and see what all the fuss is about.

Texans somehow think that people should be allowed to buy medical insurance to suit their own needs and means.  (To Accounting:  Please send $10,000 to cover my recent out-of-network medical expenses.)

I have discovered that in 2018, various voting districts went 75% for Trump.  As these districts are all over the state, and Texas is apparently a bit bigger than New Jersey, please authorize an additional $145,000 in travel expenses so I can visit these distant worlds, so to speak, and investigate whether there were any voting irregularities.

Feel free to add your suggestions as to other things that the Washington Post will need me to cover.

18 comments

  1. I found an island of normalcy here in Austin. Please send $100,000 for good seats at some local festivals and to help cover the Bar bills.

  2. Liberals always think that their venturing out into “flyover country” is akin to Jane Goodall living with chimpanzees.

  4. Send $100,000 for bodyguard. Locals think anyone from WaPo is a dirty lying commie.

      1. That depends on whether they hire Kim, or some journalism school graduate that’s never been out of the big coastal cities.

        But I think Kim could easily avoid any trouble (as long as he stays out of Austin): .45 M1911 not too well concealed, MAGA hat, the right bumper stickers.

        1. If I see a 1911, MAGA hat and right wing bumper stickers I start to think that we could be friends.

  5. Texans seem to think there’s nothing wrong with oil, they’re drilling for it all over the place and refining it into fossil fuels.
    Please send 100 million dollars so I can buy me some oil property and investigate for myself how this can be.

  6. The coastal imbeciles tend to call most of America outside of their moonbat enclaves “fly over country” with great disdain. what can we call the moonbat enclaves with equal or more disdain? Trump got flack for calling other countries “third world shit holes” I believe. Looking at moonbat enclaves such as Detroit, Camden, NJ, NYFC, Chicago and other moonbat leftists enclaves, it’s hard to tell the difference between them and third world shit holes.

    JQ

      1. Speaking of the Northeast, the only differences I can see is that one time the locals fought for liberty and less oppressive government and we have real maple syrup. Other than that, welcome to Mogadishu and Chi-Raq. Oh and we still have nice foliage.

    2. First world shitholes. Commonly referred to as Blue States by those lousy Reds who got all butt hurt about calling their states Red States. We can’t have truth in advertising; somebody might go from Woke to woke up.

  7. I spoke up at a school board meeting and was thunderstruck by the reaction when I suggested elementary sex ed could be safely facilitated by using a cucumber and a jelly donut. It’s not like I proposed a live demonstration, for heaven’s sake. I’ve never seen right wing fascism so easily triggered.

    I recommend we fund a Children’s Food & Nutrition Workshop. We can easily promote it to these backward Bible thumpers so they believe it’s about food and nutrition. We’ll tell the students that what happens in the classroom is a secret (kids love secrets; it makes them feel important & special).

    We’ll need to take security measures, of course. These Texicans are the most radical bitter gun clingers, and we need to be able to insulate our subjects from parental interference.

    I propose to document this initiative in a series of articles entitled “Our Future: Liberated From Red State Oppression And Pedophobia.”

  9. But the best part of the original posting was the job title: “Foreign Correspondent”

  10. Kim, don’t forget to use the “African-American” angle in your application ; )

    1. And you don’t want a job interview in person because of COVID. They may never know you’re the _other kind_ of African-American.

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