No more than this.
Month: April 2022
Job Opening
I’m applying for the job.
Just think of my initial report descriptions:
Jesuslanders are irrationally opposed to sexualization of 3-year-olds. Send $125,000 so I can investigate this strange mindset further by polling studies.
Inexplicably, gun ownership appears to be a big thing here. Send $125,000 so I can build a small arsenal and see what all the fuss is about.
Texans somehow think that people should be allowed to buy medical insurance to suit their own needs and means. (To Accounting: Please send $10,000 to cover my recent out-of-network medical expenses.)
I have discovered that in 2018, various voting districts went 75% for Trump. As these districts are all over the state, and Texas is apparently a bit bigger than New Jersey, please authorize an additional $145,000 in travel expenses so I can visit these distant worlds, so to speak, and investigate whether there were any voting irregularities.
Feel free to add your suggestions as to other things that the Washington Post will need me to cover.
Speed Bump #7,659
In an otherwise decent article, Brandon Morse writes this howler:
“In today’s society, emotion is increasingly valued over logistical thinking.”
Really? Emotion is placed higher than thinking about how to move stuff from one place to another?
IT’S “LOGICAL“, NOT “LOGISTICAL“, YOU FECKLESS, ILLITERATE MORON.
JHC… it’s way too early to have yet another gin, but WTF.
News Roundup
Brought to you by:
So let’s waltz into the news, such as it is.
…
…but the real bad news came when he discovered that Amazon’s cheap medical plan didn’t cover heart attacks.
…because it stopped people from smoking, right?
…
…and:
…quelle surprise.
…because MAGA rallies always end in riots, looting and burning buildings, you see.
…thus answering the old question: “If guns are banned, can we use swords?”
…I think we’ve all had orgasms like that at least once before. And speaking of orgasms:
…LOL, Professor Reynolds.
And as for (non-linked) INSIGNIFICA:
…headline should read: “BECAUSE I drive a Ferrari, I have to shop at Aldi, etc.”
And in that vein:
Also, to be politically correct, let’s not leave out our Asian models:
…and of course, a couple of token blacks:
Here endeth the news.
No More Gilbert
Gilbert Gottfried, one of my all-time favorite comedians, has died aged 67 (my age ATOW), from complications caused by muscular dystrophy.
There was and is nobody more cruel and nastier than Gilbert. Here’s one example (and is VVNSFW).
And my favorite line of his, conducting an imaginary interview of Jackie Onassis:
“So… do remember what you were doing on the day..?”
I am SO going to miss him. R.I.P.
The Real Thing
Among many of my Readers, I know that their opinion of golf is that it takes up acreage better used for a shooting center. However, after watching the 2022 Masters last week, something really fine happened.
A young guy named Scottie Scheffler emerged the champion, and here’s his story.
Even better, he and his pretty wife have been crowned as the world’s cutest couple:
Best of all? (and this just has to stick in the media’s craw)
“It all goes back to my faith,” he said. “The reason why I play golf is that I’m trying to glorify God and all that he’s done in my life. So for me, my identity isn’t a golf score. Like Meredith told me this morning, if you win this golf tournament today, if you lose this golf tournament by 10 shots, if you never win another golf tournament again she goes, I’m still going to love you, you’re still going to be the same person.”
God, humility and family.
Makes me tear up, it does.