Both Sides

Men & Women

And back we go, into the trenches of modern warfare between men and women.  Apparently, young men have a problem:

Men are lonelier than ever as they struggle to meet the higher dating standards of modern women, according to a psychologist.  American psychologist Greg Matos wrote in a recent Psychology Today article that the current state of young and middle-aged men’s love lives shows they need to ‘address a skills deficit’.

He said: ‘I hear recurring dating themes from women between the ages of 25 and 45: They prefer men who are emotionally available, good communicators, and share similar values’.  Yet, he claimed he’s found that modern men’s biggest problem is communication, which is ‘the lifeblood of healthy, long-term love’.

[S]ociety fails to teach young boys the importance of communication, which has resulted in growing numbers of unintentionally single men.

Well yes, but this is nothing new.  Men have always had a problem communicating with women — although they seem to have no problem communicating with each other, which makes me wonder where the problem actually lies.

As this thesis comes from a psychologist, one could be forgiven for dismissing the whole thing out of hand, but it seems clear that the number of single, lonely young people of both sexes has grown over the past few decades.

There is one immediate finger to be pointed, and that is towards radical feminists, who have painted men (and especially young White men) as proto-aggressors, and nobody can deny that the feminization of the education process has left young men feeling increasing isolated.

Some have reacted admirably, turning the tables and asking women what, exactly, they are bringing to the party.  Others (such as this young man) have come right out and published their own rules of engagement, so to speak.  (In the latter case, he’s done an excellent job of “communicating” with women;  but it’s probably not at all the kind they’re looking for.)

The article (written by a woman, BTW) quotes our psychologist that “Men are lonelier than ever as they struggle to meet the higher dating standards of modern women”… really?  The way I read it, both sides are becoming more selective.  While the poorly-communicating men might be sidelined by more picky women, it’s also clear that the (shall we say) poorer applicants among the women (sluts etc.) are most likely being left alone as well.

And lest we read too much into this, the situation is by no means a new one, nor has the technology changed it much.

17 comments

  2. I reentered the dating world a few years ago at age 50, and it was a surprise- a pleasant one. I’m not exactly Brad Pitt physically, but I’m smart, I have some charisma, and a good job. And, most importantly, I treat a woman well and still believe in old fashioned dating and manners. Turns out that these qualities are rare in single men my age. I’ve been able to date women that were, quite frankly, out of my league 30 years ago, not just in terms of looks but in the other qualities that make female companionship so exciting. In fact, my biggest problem has been that nearly every woman I’ve dated has wanted a lasting relationship with me. Turns out that “Mr. Average” from 30 years ago is quite the catch now.

    And for the record, I do not date women with purple hair, nose rings, many tattoos, or addiction (including addiction to feminism). Honestly, at my age, if you take a little bit of care of yourself, have a good head on your shoulders, and are a good man, it’s shooting fish in a barrel.

    1. I don’t mind women dying their hair unnatural colors–my wife started dying her hair purple, then adding in some other colors right after the lockdown lifted here in CO.

      BTW, we’re both in our 50s, and she’s not a feminist. No feminist could live with me.

    2. Ditto… pretty much word for word except for I was 46 when I split with Wife 1.0. All of a sudden hot and available women were coming at me from all directions.

      I think there are several factors that make us a rarity. Not just being kind and a gentleman, but also being numerically superior and for the most part not saddled with chilrens (thankfully First Wife and I never spawned).

      I too am smart, funny, confident, have a good stable job, nice car, house, and some money in the bank. Even now that I’m betrothed and planning to settle down soon, I still find that women are hitting on me all the time.

  3. One huge problem is that (overall) the sexes have very different perceptions of “acceptable.”

    If you ask men to rate women on a scale of 1 – 10, you generally get a bell curve, with a normal distribution. Guys who are average tend to be realistic about what sort of woman “matches” in looks (though they still tend to aim high).

    If you ask women, you get a deeply skewed curve, with the curve pushed off to the left. Women who are average seem to think that “8” guy is their equivalent.

    1. I have never known or heard about a woman saying a man was “out of her league.”
      A common idea among women in 1981, when Prince Charles married Lady Diana, was, “That should be me.”

  4. “young and middle-aged men’s love lives shows they need to ‘address a skills deficit’.”

    Bull-hockey. It’s always the men that need to change. Always. At least according to women.

    Some (many, now) years back the wife and I were having a few issues. She insisted I read a few different books on relationships (which, coincidentally, she didn’t need to read because of course). So I suffered through “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus”. Here’s the reader’s digest breakdown:

    Men are a certain way because reasons. Women are a different way because reasons. Men must change to accommodate women. The end.

    The only example, and I mean the only cause I re-read to make sure I didn’t miss any, the only example of women accommodating men was to allow them to use one room of the house, preferably the garage, to make a “man-cave”. That’s it.

    Of course when you’re young and the wood is stiff everyday, men’ll do pretty much anything for a piece. As you get older, not so much. I got no relationship advice for young men, other than to say at my age if anything happened to my marriage I would never bother with women again. This culture has ruined everything.

    1. I agree with Don. I’ll step in front of a bus before I enter the dating pool again. Ditto for submitting a resume.

  5. I went from a heavily male dominated industry to an heavily female dominated industry. To listen to some of these young women gripe about their boyfriend problems at lunch was enlightening and appalling. Granted many of these young women were in their mid to late 20s at the time and I was in my mid 40s so there might be a generation gap as well. I tried to avoid listening to their gripes so I wouldn’t let slip my opinion that if they kept their legs out of the air for a while they might get to know their suitors far better. Several times I wanted to ask them what do they bring to the relationship. Many times they had ridiculous expectations. Thank God I’m not in the dating pool anymore.

    JQ

  6. I wonder how much of the problem is due to families being smaller? It used to be the case that people would have many siblings of both sexes when growing up and that is not now the case. So both men and women grow up not understanding the other sex.

  8. [a response to the linked editorial…]
    .
    Mike M. says:
    Pro tip, ladies: The tattooist is NOT your friend. A tattoo is a loud public statement of déclassé. These days, the “fresh, sweet, and innocent” look is a big winner. It stands out from the crowd.
    [end quote]
    .
    .
    A couple-three days ago, I took my groceries purchase to the Health & Beauty register (because all the other registers are self-serve…) (DNGMS*).
    Three delightful teenage young ladies were chatting with my favorite kosher ‘Evangeline’.
    (Evangeline usually has a crowd because she is a born entertainer… and is a ‘natural’ for the cosmetic zone with her 2″ purple fingernails and vast collection of colored wigs.)
    .
    As I butted-in, Evangeline introduced me to the young crew.
    As I looked into their fresh wholesome faces, my heart broke wide-open.
    I instantly recognized good decent caring individuals.
    .
    As I scanned them, I noticed their name-badges… and their affiliation with a well-known family-oriented religious group.
    Although I have no way of knowing, I am willing to bet:
    * a tattoo, and/or
    * stinking like a pool-hall
    … would be low on their list, as well.
    .
    .
    notes:
    *DNGMS is LM-speak for ‘do not get me started’.

  10. “Men are lonelier than ever as they struggle to meet the higher dating standards of modern women.” Well, there’s your problem. Stop trying to please modern women. That way lies madness. Instead, ask yourself what YOUR dating standards are. For me, it’s simple: I won’t date a woman with mental health issues. In my experience, that disqualifies almost all of them. So I decided that dating isn’t worth the hassle, and decided to enjoy life as a bachelor. And it turns out to be pretty awesome.

  11. How do we know that the communication skills deficit isn’t caused, not by an inability to be Jay Leno, but by a reluctance to say something that can be viewed as sexist, Intolerant, xenophobic, Homophobic, Islamophobic, Racist, bigoted, or otherwise objectionable? Considering that people get offended for others even if that other group is not in actuality offended, this can’t be such a far-fetched idea.

  12. I have never known or heard about a woman saying a man was “out of her league.”
    A common idea among women in 1981, when Prince Charles married Lady Diana, was, “That should be me.”

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