We leave our savaging of Strylians, and shift focus to their cousins in Kiwiland.
Man 1: Did you hear who won the Miss New Zealand competition?
Man 2: No, who won?
Man 1: Nobody!
I can think of only one Kiwi chick who ever caused a stirring in my stretch jeans, and that was Gina Bellman, from the TNT show Leverage:
Exotic, sexy, mysterious. Like.
Oh, and:
“Dear Dr. Kim:
“My wife is 46 and I’m 48. We weren’t getting on and she was distracted, always on her phone, messaging someone. But when I managed to peek at her phone, all messages had been deleted — a tell-tale sign if ever there was one.
“I asked her if everything was OK between us, and she swore it was. She even made a special effort that weekend — cooking my favourite dinner and coming on to me for sex.
Still not convinced, I decided to hire a PI to follow her when she went to work. Within a week, he’d taken pictures of her meeting a man at a hotel — and checking into the same room.
“She had been blatantly lying to my face. Furious, I confronted her and said our marriage was over.
“In 24 hours I found a flat, moved out all my stuff and contacted a solicitor about divorce.
“But now, I’m starting to feel that I shouldn’t have gone.
“I’m the innocent, blameless party here, sitting alone in an ugly flat, with cheap furniture and a suitcase of my clothes. She’s the cheat who destroyed our marriage.
“Yet she gets to be in our beautiful, warm home with all the things we bought together over the years. Plus, I’m still paying half the mortgage on the house and will be until the divorce is sorted. It seems terribly unfair.
“And I know I’m far from the only man this has happened to. Why is it always the man who moves out?”
Dear Lost:
Your mistake was a rookie one. You never give up the house.
What you should have done is what scorned women often do in the same situation: while she was at work, emptied the house of all her stuff (including the ugly shit she’d acquired at antique stores etc. and which you hate) and either tossed it on the front lawn or (if you’re a nice guy) had it all stored it in one of those storage places — locked with a stout padlock to which you had the key. Next step: called a locksmith and had all the house’s locks changed.
Then when Cheating Lying Bitch came home and discovered that she’d been locked out, you could confront her with the evidence that she’d been unfaithful, the consequence of which was that you’d assumed ownership of the house. And only then given her the key to the storage space, with instructions to call your attorney for details.
Let her be the one sitting alone in an ugly flat, with cheap furniture and a suitcase of her clothes.
And you’d have to be prepared to sell the house to give her half the proceeds (because she’s been contributing to paying off the note).
Never give up the house; not in argument, nor when you can’t bear the thought of living with the woman anymore. Never give up the house.
Do you want me to repeat that one more time?
Sponsored by*:
And on we go, cutting away the fat from the news.
...history buffs will note the parallels with the Soviet-era KGB. And similarly:
...just another way the totalitarian state forces people to comply.
...not climate change? I’m amazed. I mean:
...see?
...note the weasel word “could”. In any event, let’s not be too ambitious, and start small with, say, “Dry January Mondays“. Or not even that (my preference).
...I believe I once wrote an essay on this very topic… twenty years ago.
…what happens when you open cheap air travel to the masses.
...key word: Manchester. See above.
…amazingly, not in Florida; but unsurprisingly, in Portland OR.
...I would have thought that her husband would be the subject matter expert when it came to global affairs (Jeffrey Epstein coff coff), but whatever.
...hey, some people are turned on by that kind of thing.
And in recent INSIGNIFICA:
...well, that’s a big claim, so let’s examine the evidence, shall we?
More evidence upon request.
*not really, but they’re one of my favorite knife makers, so why not?
Reader (and previous winner) Topcat hasn’t let his disqualification from this year’s drawing get in his way, oh no. His email to me two days ago read:
Possible Boomershoot candidate
Best of both worlds?
I have to say that I like the look of the thing(s):
Essentially, it’s the same rifle — the Precision is a pound or so heavier because of the adjustable cheekpiece, and I think the larger magazine — which no doubt accounts for the extra C-note in the price thereof. Other than that: same barrel, same adjustable trigger, same bolt action; we may actually have a winner. (I can also do the same for the Hunter/Precision combo in .308 Win, depending on Reader preference: I myself have no favorites, but the .308 costs a couple hundred more than the 6.5 Creed.)
However: unless there’s somewhat greater interest in any rifle, this may be the Boomershoot 2025 drawing, because to date I think I’ve received but a few entries for the draw, totaling some $400 in ticket sales.
…worse still, I’ll have to hitch-hike up to Idaho, and nobody wants to see that.
So get onto it, folks, and send those entries in: $20 per ticket, up to five tickets per person. Zelle to kim-at-kimdutoitdotcom, or paper checks/money orders to the Sooper-Seekrit mailing address.
In drawings past, I’ve bought the rifle and scope ahead of time and waited for the ticket sales to catch up. Thanks to Bidenflation (LGB!!), that’s no longer an option. [200 ranty swear words deleted]
Thank you for your support.
FYI, I thought I’d point out that in the event that the POTUS dies or is incapacitated, the line of succession is:
Just sayin’.