“Dear Dr. Kim:
“I met this rather hunky-looking guy online, and after a two-week flirtation, I agreed to go away with him to a romantic island destination.
“Well, the romantic holiday was anything but. No sooner had we got to the beach and gone for a swim when he ripped off my sexy bikini and raped me, right there in the sea as we were swimming together.
“So I asked him to take me back to my hotel room — where he tried to rape me again. Fortunately, I managed to escape from him, and called the police. He’s been charged with rape and now faces prison time.
“What should I do, going forward”
Dear Abused Idiot,
I know you’re only twenty years old, and perhaps you think that this should excuse your stupidity and naïveté. However, all 20-year-olds seem to think they know everything about everything, when in fact they know nothing about anything — even, it seems, when it comes to online dating, an activity with which they’ve supposedly been familiar since pre-adolescence.
So my first piece of advice is to burn your voter’s ID because you are too stupid to be allowed to vote. Add your driver’s license to the bonfire, for the same reason, and maybe your bus pass too, just to be on the safe side. (I’d suggest your phone too, but I don’t think the NHS covers the surgery needed to remove it from your hand.)
Just in case you haven’t got the picture by now, let me outline the parts where you went hopelessly wrong.
- Online relationships are often not what they seem to be.
- Two weeks’ online chat does not make a relationship — at least, not one where you should leave home and meet up in a totally strange place, by yourself.
- Young Albanian men do not make the best boyfriends. Feel free to go online and look up for “Balkan gangsters”, if you don’t believe me. I also should point out that for most Albanian men, killing someone for a seemingly-trivial reason is not an unknown event. Calling the cops on them isn’t trivial.
- The island of Rhodes is indeed a romantic place for a rendezvous. However, entrusting your wellbeing to the Greek police is not a safe bet — even though you lucked out on this occasion.
I would suggest that you confine your romantic searches to your own city, except that you live in the U.K. which, according to most news reports, seems to be populated with Albanian gangsters and rapists/murderers in general, some not even wearing police uniforms.
My final piece of advice, therefore, is to emigrate to a Scandinavian country — but just avoid dating young immigrant Arab men there because they basically taught the Albanians all they know. The soft blonde native Scandi men are a much safer bet.
— 