I remember reading this and crying with laughter, many years ago. Enjoy.
“Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in… I was assured by the other two judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3.”
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI # 1 – MIKE’S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1 — A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 — Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) — Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.
CHILI # 2 – EL RANCHO’S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 — Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 — Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 — Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI # 3 – ALFREDO’S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 — Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 — A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 — Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting red-faced from all of the beer.
CHILI # 4=2 0- BUBBA’S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 — Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 — Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 — I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. Woman is starting to look HOT… just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
CHILI # 5 – LISA’S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 — Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 — Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 — My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
CHILI # 6 – VARGA’S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 — Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 — The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 — My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.
CHILI # 7 – SUSAN’S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 — A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 — Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment (**I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.)
Judge # 3 — You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing. It’s too painful. I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI # 8 – BIG TOM’S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1 — The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 — This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he’d have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 — No report.
For some reason, I’m really lusting after chili now. I think I’ll make me some. #NoFuckingBeans
Knuckledragger/Wirecutter posted a recipe just the other day that looks very good:
https://youtu.be/fSbzShDHsDQ
Never understood the mindset behind over the top hot foods. I like some spice but when it is overpowering I don’t see the point, and don’t enjoy it.
I make chili frequently in the cold months and maybe every 2 months when it’s warm out. Oh yeah, here in hoosierville I make Hoosier Chili, it has elbow macaroni in it.
Funny joke. I don’t get the appeal of painfully spicy foods. Are those carrots in the pictured chili?!
Kim you bastard you just made me hungry. No kidding, when I am in the states ( AZ mostly ) I always do a cure of Tex-Mex, of course for my Euro mouth I have to take it mild.
Good Lord, Kim! Ihad to stagger away from the computer after reading “I have to wipe my butt with a snow cone.” I think I was laughing and choking at the same time! Took a few minutes to catch my breath. I never heard or saw that joke before. Now I’m off to inflict it on a few people I know.
I make an excellent chili, I use dried red pepper chili pods that have been simmered for a bit to rehydrate, I roast jalapeños and poblano fresh peppers and then I add them to caramelized onions, lots of them along with a handful of toasted garlic cloves, run through a blender, a small can of tomatoes and then a combination of mostly ground beef with a bit of ground pork that has been browned quick and fast. At times when I have it I use venison instead of beef along with pork. A whole mess of cumin, paprika, white pepper, some allspice, cayenne, a touch of cinnamon and let the whole thing simmer very low for four or five hours, throw in a can of hot Hatch green chilies allow the whole thing to warm up and then serve over rice with lots of shredded sharp chedder cheese and a few Fritos just because.
A good chili will have a whole range of pepper notes, some fast and full, some lingering like little bits of jalapeño and when it works exactly right a nice, clear, decent, after-burn that lingers like an echo at the end of each bite. I don’t like my chili too, burn your lips off hot but amusing little bits of burn are fun. No beans in the chili and no damn pasta because we live in Texas, not in Cincinnati where they serve a nice pasta dish with lots of fun stuff that is definitely not chili.
Amen to the variety of pepper notes, easy to achieve with fresh or dried chilis at any good South Texas grocery store. I’m a beef man myself, but your recipe’s got me thinking about sneaking in a link or two of soft chorizo, just to stretch out the flavor. Serve mine over fresh fried corn tortilla chips (HEB in peanut oil), topped with cheddar, sour cream, and some chopped scallion. OR, a scoop of hot leftover chili on pan-fried tamales, topped with cheese and a couple of over-easy eggs. Tamales Rancheros, indeed!
As an ex-racer, I developed an affinity to Carroll Shelby’s Chili Fixings (you could find it everywhere in the paddock). The only change I make is to use a 2-3lb London Broil diced in .75-1.00 sized cubes, some chopped bell-peppers, and chopped onion (white or yellow), cooked in a crockpot for 6-8 hours (prepare it in the morning, serve for dinner fresh and hot), and served over white rice.
My GFs (since wife) late brother made his own hot sauce, so we always knew what to get him for Christmas. There was a great spice shop close by, as well as an Asian supermarket, so it went:
Mombasa pepper(should be marked with a biohazard trefoil), sesame oil soaked in HOT peppers(it had this impressive clear red tint), a few lesser things…
Amazingly, it wasn’t deadly hot in _small_ doses and improved the taste of whatever it was added to.
Stay safe
I love chile and can make a decent pot of green, but here is thing: dairy kills the burn better than beer. Hence the frequent pairing of sour cream or yogurt with chile-flavored dishes, at least in some regions.
But I once took a visitor from South India to one of my favorite Taos, New Mexico, restaurants, and when I asked his opinion, he said something like, “Good, but it could have been hotter.”
Those are the cooks you have to watch out for .
classic joke!!!
I like a bit of spice but hot sauce should be like cuss words, just enough to add some spice and flavor but not enough over power the conversation
JQ