An Austrian supermarket was evacuated after the store manager reportedly spotted a banana-loving spider capable of causing permanent erections in men.
The Penny shop in Krems an der Donau, 45 miles west of Vienna, remains closed since Tuesday over fears of the four-inch black and red spider.
Emergency services were called and warn the spider, still at large, may have been a highly venomous Brazilian Wandering Spider, known to reach Europe by hiding in bunches of bananas.
The creature is one of the planet’s most venomous spiders, and bites can be fatal after causing hypothermia, blurred vision, convulsions and, in some cases, erections. The spider’s venom is even being studied for use in erectile dysfunction treatments after it was found that a bite from one of the spiders can give male victims a painful four-hour erection.
Speaking as someone who as a young teenager suffered from an almost-permanent condition like this — thank you, Adolescent Hormone Flood* — this is actually no laughing matter.
So quit giggling, you maniacs.
Is there any good to be had from Third World countries other than as a place for massive and sustained nuclear ordnance testing, I ask myself?
Probably not; but then the same goes for Australia.
*Anecdote time: back in boarding school, one guy (no names, just in case) actually had a massive and sustained erection — so much so that after nearly a day of torment he went to see the school nurse. She smacked it on the tip with a metal spoon — yes, I know — whereupon he emitted a truly splendid and seemingly-endless ejaculation all over her and himself. That wasn’t the expected nor desired result, of course, but at least his woody subsided. When later asked by someone whether he couldn’t have just had a wank to achieve the same end, his reply was immortal: “What, in the fucking biology lab?”
