“Dear Dr. Kim”

“Dear Dr. Kim:

“I’m a woman of 30 and my friend is 31. We grew up together. She always wanted a threesome and I said I was game with the right person. But it certainly wasn’t at the forefront of my mind. Then when I got together with my boyfriend, who is 33, she made it clear she thought he would be our perfect third person.

“Eventually I agreed to speak to my partner. He was skeptical at first but then we had an evening at our flat and my friend and I worked on him — and we all ended up in bed together.

“Life then went back to normal. But then on Christmas Eve, my friend turned up unannounced. She got a pregnancy test out of her handbag and showed me the positive result. I was horrified when the penny dropped that it was my boyfriend’s baby.

“My boyfriend and I expected her to opt for an abortion. And my boyfriend was willing to pay for it. But she said no. She said she had wanted to be a mum for a long time. She told me that I could hardly get upset because I went along with the threesome, but I thought she was on the Pill.

“Now she keeps sending me pictures of flats or houses we could all rent together!

“What do I do now?”

— Backstabbed, England

Dear Stabbed:

Let me start by telling you that you should probably dump your boyfriend now, while it’s still relatively painless.  Because sooner or later your best friend is going to go after him for child support, and get it.  Which means he’ll have less money to spend on you.  Also, paying child support will make him feel like he’s entitled to visitation and being a part of his kid’s life.  Do you honestly want to be part of that little scenario?  Best get clear of all that, while you can.

I am not an expert in matters like this, so I consulted a fellow doctor (let’s call him Dr. Knob) who is an expert, having had several such encounters in his time.  Here are some lessons to be learned from this — it’s too late in your case, but I’m hoping others will see this and avoid your situation.

• Never trust that the “plus one” in your FFM threesome is using contraception, unless you’re provided with actual proof (prescription, doctor’s letter, etc.).  It will help if you demand proof of other icky stuff like being pox-free, all as part of the pre-insertion preparation.
• As a precondition of having a little FFM action, tell your boyfriend ahead of time  that it’s okay, provided that when he gets to the short strokes, it’s into your hot little body that he should be ejaculating.  Tell him that bonking A.N. Other is okay, sorta, but you’ll be insanely jealous if he has his Big Moment with her and not with you.  Chances are that he’ll be flattered, not put off.
• If either of the above conditions are not met to your satisfaction, feel free to walk away, both before and after the action.

This is a messy business (in so many ways) and to be honest, I think that threesomes in general are best postponed until the post-menopausal time, because a) there’s no chance of your predicament taking place, and b) chances are you’ll be sick of having bonked the same person for years, and a little diversion might not be too harmful — or it might.

Be careful out there.

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