I found this old thing while rummaging around in my archives. It was behind the nude pics of Dita Von Teese.
Men Are Just Happier People!
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station rest room because this one is just too icky. You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress purchase: $5,000. Tux rental: $100.
People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them.
One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
You can sleep with 50 women a year and not be called a slut.
Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades, and when you get much older, your hair ceases to be a problem altogether. You only have to shave your face and neck, and even that’s optional. You likewise have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
Two pairs of shoes are more than enough. New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One wallet – one color for all seasons.
You can ‘do’ your nails with a pocket knife. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes. At Walgreens.
NICKNAMES. If Laura, Kate, and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fuckhead, Shitbrain, and Knobhead.
EATING OUT. When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it’s only for $31.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the phone calculators.
MONEY. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need, but “it’s on sale”.
BATHROOMS. The average man has 6 items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel. The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
MARRIAGE. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.
DRESSING UP. A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING. Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears, and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY. A married man should forget his mistakes. There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing, forever.
SECOND THOUGHT FOR THE DAY. No man can ever be a perfect husband. The best we can ever be is “adequate”.
Feel free to add to the list in Comments.
With regards to Christmas, with so many of my friends non-local I delegate the matter to my wine merchant: I give her a list and she sends a bottle and a card to everyone on the list. It’s not cheap, mind.
“Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument” Including “yes dear”.
Stolen
I will send it to all my male friends.
Perhaps to their wives also ( Yes I love to f… s… up )
Shopping for new clothes:
A man goes to the web site of his preferred supplier ( L.L.Bean / Cabrella’s ) Orders 2 pairs of Identical pants and 3 shirts in various colors in his size. Total time 10 minutes.
A woman drives to the Mall, goes to 5 different stores. In each she selects 4 different things, goes into the fitting room tries them all on, asks the attendant for a different size for 2 of the items, tries those on for fit , then determines she doesn’t like any of them and goes to a different store to repeat the process. Tries a different Mall. Total Time – Several trips over several days.
Restaurants:
A man reads the menu, makes a selection, orders and eats what arrives.
A woman studies the menu, asks several questions, narrows her selection to 2 or three, asks more questions of the waitperson, orders and then when it arrives, determines she really wanted one of the other selections.
very true GT, very true
Just remember: No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
GT is right about shopping. Growing up, my family would visit a mall on the weekends. My grandfather and I would stake out a bench while the women folk shopped or did whatever women folk do in stores. I usually brought a book. I sure read a lot as a kid
If you tell a man his tattoo is ugly, you might get into a fistfight.
But if you tell a woman her botox looks like shit, she won’t even raise an eyebrow.
Which is exactly what’s wrong with botox. It leaves you wondering what’s behind the mask.
The same woman that can tell you what time you picked her up, what you each wore, where you went and what you did on your second date twenty-five years ago can’t tell you how long the”Oil” light has been on in her car.
> It was behind the nude pics of Dita Von Teese.
Well, out with it then.
A man can tell a story that takes a fraction of the time the subject matter of the story took to occur. A woman can somehow stretch a ten minute interaction into a 45 minute story.
BUYING A CAR: Men need to know the horsepower, mileage, gas mileage, 0-60 time, ground clearance, wheelbase, interior room for knees (driver’s position only), max torque, correct ignition timing, current tire pressure, gas tank capacity, and proper spark plug gap size. Women need to know if the paint job goes with her shoes.
And does it have illuminated makeup mirrors on the sun visors.