I note that Washington Post boss Jeff Bezos has indicated that he wants “more conservative writers” at his birdcage-liner publication. Hell, I could do with a job, so here goes:
“Dear Jeff:
“If you’re serious about hiring more conservative writers at the Post, then please allow me to submit my application for just such a position.
“Now I will say at the outset that I have no actual journalistic experience, but I feel that this shouldn’t count against me for two reasons: firstly, as far as I can tell, the Post hasn’t had any actual journalists on the payroll for about twenty years, and the ones who claim to be journalists are anything but that. Secondly, if you really want more conservative writers, I can think of few better than I to fill such a position in that I have consistently voiced conservative opinions in an online format for well over twenty years — and by “conservative”, I mean in support of such issues as Constitutional rights support, and vitriolic hatred of Socialism/Communism/Leftism/Jacobism whatever you want to call the foul, slimy denizens of that edge of the political spectrum.
“Speaking of said vitriol, I will make a considerable concession to you in that I will refrain from referring to said denizens as “cocksuckers” (even when, as in the case of Kamala Harris, they are actual suckers of the male appendage). And in similar vein, I will refrain from using the seven forbidden words of George Carlin as much as I am able, but I will rely on the layers and layers of editorial staff to be my backup should I fail. (You may stop laughing now.)
“Now, my naysayers (and there may be some) will say that my arrival at the Post will cause a stir among the existing staff and your regular readers, resulting in mass resignations among the former and still more subscription cancellations from the latter. In the case of the existing staff, “mass resignations” can only be seen as A Good Thing because they are largely responsible for your current problems, in that the general public views the Post as being unworthy even to line birdcages.
“As far as cancellations of existing subscriptions are concerned, I am pretty sure that these will be far outweighed by the new subscriptions you will get from others — even if they are only interested “to see what that fascist asshole has said today”. In the immortal words of Roger Ailes to Rupert Murdoch, there’s half of America to be had, and while I can’t guarantee the whole half, I can assure you that there will be a goodly portion thereof that might consider a Post subscription to be worth their while, with me on your staff.
“And just from a marketing perspective, I’m pretty sure that in hiring me, you will also siphon more than a few eyeballs from Breitbart News, if this is important to you.
“Also, I will not confine my writing to politics. My own website (once you’ve got past the strong language) also contains material such as movie reviews, thoughts on literature, clothing, architecture and the Fine Arts. I will also write a weekly feature on guns — one of my strong suits, if I may be so bold — which will contain honest appraisals of guns because unlike reviewers at gun magazines, I am not beholden to gun manufacturers for advertising support. And, I suspect, they aren’t interested in buying advertising space at the Post right now, so you’re not going to lose anything. But there are hundreds of millions of gun owners — potential readers, if you will — who might think of reading such honest reviews at the Post instead of being confronted with your newspaper’s existing anti-gun stance on a daily basis.
“Speaking of weekly features, you may want to consider including my ‘Dear Dr. Kim’ articles, which dispense common-sense advice to the needy in a largely jocular and satirical manner.
“From a financial perspective, my salary demands would be modest — certainly compared to overpaid morons like Jennifer Rubin — but we can discuss that privately. Oh, and sorry, but I absolutely refuse to move to Washington D.C. lest I get infected by the Beltway Disease and be subjected to their disgusting regulations on firearms ownership. Conservative opinion is best nurtured in Middle America — okay, northern Texas, in my case — but even that is a positive thing in that I will require no office space in your building.
“Lastly (and this is no small thing), you may rely on me to use proper grammar and syntax in my writings — again, something which has not been much in evidence at the Post for the past several decades.
“And oh, by the way, if the DEI thing is still important to you: like Elon Musk, I am a proud African-American.”
Sincerely,
