“Dear Mr. President”

I have applied for a position in your Administration once before, and while I never did get the job, I’d like to think that my letter received at least more than a cursory glance.

With the resignation of U.N. Ambassador Nikki Haley, a chance to serve your Administration has once again come up.  Allow me to offer the reasons why I would make a good choice for this important post.

• I was born in Africa, have a girl’s first name and a French last one.  I therefore fill about three or four quotas, and all the above make it impossible for other diplomats to insult me without laying themselves open to all sorts of charges of insensitivity.
• I was once imprisoned (albeit briefly) for my opposition to the apartheid government of South Africa, so I can call any African president a “thieving klepto-murderer” anytime I want without fear of censure.
• Every time some shithole Third World country starts a speech asking for aid, I’ll take off my headphones and start playing cards with the UK ambassador.
• All countries and cities will be referred to by their names circa 1935:  Burma, Southern Rhodesia, Bombay, Tangyanika, Tsingtao, Borneo, etc.
• All Communist countries will be referred to as “those Commie rats from…”
• Any hostile speech by the German ambassador will be answered with the words, “Unlike Germany did during the early 1940s…”
• Every time I want to say something really scathing or disrespectful, I’ll switch to Afrikaans so that the interpreter can’t figure it out.
• Veto every single measure brought up in the Security Council by Russia or China.  (What the hell, they do it to us.)
• All calls for universal gun control will be greeted with scornful laughter, followed by:  “Tell you what:  you disarm your police forces and armed forces first, and then we’ll start talking.  And by the way:  that stupid statue* out front?  It’s gone, and been melted down to make the AK-47s which we’ll be sending to the villagers in Africa who are being attacked by Muslim extremists.”
• Yes, I will be carrying a concealed handgun in the U.N. building, under diplomatic privilege and immunity.  Ditto when I leave the building and stroll around New York City or Washington D.C.
• Every time an Arab / Muslim nation makes a speech, my response will start with the words:  “As our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ once said…”
• In my maiden speech to the UN, I’ll issue a statement that every time any country issues a speech critical of the United States, their U.S. foreign aid will be permanently reduced by $10 million.
• Have statues of Ronald Reagan and Margaret Thatcher erected in the U.N. building’s lobby.
• Issue all U.S. diplomatic staff at the U.N. with Tasers and pepper spray, and instructions to use them at will.
• Speeches addressed to the Usual Suspects will begin: “When your country has paid all their parking tickets and other traffic fines, we’ll consider your proposal.  Otherwise, forget about it.”
• Refer to the People’s Republic of North Korea (or whatever they call themselves) as “that nest of crazy-ass Commies”.
• Wear camo fatigues to important Security Council meetings.
• Have grits and gravy added to the U.N. cafeteria menu.
• Every time some African nation starts talking about “human rights”, I’ll laugh like hell, then take off my translation headphones and plug in my iPod.  Ditto Russia, China and most Third World countries.
• Interrupt all the French ambassador’s speeches with the words: “Never mind all that.  Just tell us when you want to surrender.”

And as for my confirmation hearings in the Senate:

• Any question put to me by Democrat senators will be answered with: “Did your masters in Moscow or Peking tell you to ask me that?”
• Most hostile questions will be met with an incredulous look, followed by:  “I’ll bet your constituents are really proud of you right now.”
• At least 90% of my responses will start with the words: “As Ronald Reagan used to say…”
• Any comments from a Democrat senator about my lack of diplomatic experience will be met with: “Well, you talk about climate stuff, economics and morality, don’t you?”
• If asked what my qualifications for the job are, I’ll answer:  “I don’t trust foreigners.  Any of them.”
• When told that my manner might be too abrasive for a diplomatic post, my response will be:  “Oh, sure.  Talking nicely to your old Soviet buddies worked so well, didn’t it?”
• The Nielsen ratings for my confirmation hearings will beat Desperate Housewives of Orange County (or whatever that crap show is called).
• When asked how I’ll help formulate U.S. policy in the U.N., my response will be:  “Simple.  I’ll just imagine what Barack Hussein Obama would say or do, then say or do the precise opposite.”

Mr. President, let’s be honest: appointing me as the U.S ambassador will send a message that we consider the U.N. to be completely irrelevant (which you and I both know they are).  Now is the time to make a gesture that is so dismissive of the stupid U.N. that your legacy will forever include the words: “At least he appointed two people who whipped the United Nations into line.”

Sincerely,

*