Ranked in order of awfulness:
- “This is Captain Douglas Corrigan speaking. I don’t know where y’all were expecting to land, but this ain’t it.”*
- “Ladies and gentlemen, please be aware that this aircraft can fly quite well on only one engine.”
- “Wait… Hank, I thought you checked the fuel levels before we took off.”
- “Passenger Mohammed Al-Bomba, please identify yourself to a cabin crew member.”
- “Welcome to Bangalore International Airport.”
Your suggestions in Comments. Bonus points if you actually heard them on a flight…
*do a search on the name.
Sorry folks, the catering crew forgot to load the beer and wine.
“Allahu Akbar!”
Beat me to it.
Wow, look at all those dials!
Captain? Captain? Wake up. C’mon stop joking around.
Welcome to Detroit
Let’s see, if we’re heading East, then North is on the right, right?
This is your pilot, Captain Hillary Clinton…..
What’s really funny is that I have a friend whose name is Douglas Corrigan, and he was indeed named after ol’ Wrong-Way.
He isn’t a pilot, though; he’s a molecular biologist.
Welcome aboard American Airlines
We have a winner…
United scares me more.
I flew business class on United. Once. Never again.
A long time ago, on a CH-47E helicopter, I heard my command pilot say “Oh shit!” over the intercom just after a loud bang…that killed both turbines. Fortunately, we were only about 500′ above the ground and he was able to auto-gyro down…more or less safely on the beach of a Caribbean island in October 1983.
So your engines grenaded over Granada?
“Are there any passengers on board with flight experience? The Captain and First Officer both had the fish.”
Banzai!
Three of my favorites from “The Far Side”. Fans will remember the cartoons well:
“The fuel light’s on, Frank! We’re all gonna die! Oh, wait. My mistake, that was the intercom.”
“Oh great, there goes my hat!”
(And my personal favorite) “Say, what’s a mountain goat doing way up here in a cloud bank?”
As happened for real while making an approach to Phoenix: “We’re going around because we have a warning one of the flight controls failed.” Then a minute later, “Don’t worry, it wasn’t an essential flight control….”