…which is probably the best word to describe this first news item:
...”how am I going to replace half my staffers now?”
...I would have thought the CIA would be too busy planning to do that back here after November.
...keyword: Irish.
From the Hearts Of Stone Department:
...okay, quit that unseemly giggling.
...”that’s a strange noise.”
In news from The Great Cultural Assimilation Project©:
...like everywhere else.
...”wait, you mean we can no longer just get rid of our problem by shipping them over to you?”
From the Department of Education:
...but but but that’s just Show & Tell in Sex Ed. Also, keyword: Florida.
And in Medical News:
...principal among them: pics of Lizzo, Hillary Clinton or Gemma Collins.
...you mean that salad tongs aren’t approved?
...when demand exceeds supply.
...all of which can be summed up with:
From the trenches of the Sex Wars:
...repeat after me: “Sex, sandwiches and silence.” And if we can have only one, then: silence.
Now for unbridled but unlinked 
…hate to say it, Tarty, but yer just not that important, compared to Hillary Clinton.
...well, we haven’t seen Phil’s little girl for a while, so why not?
And that’s all the news fit to (un-)cover.