Author: Kim du Toit

Quote Of The Day

Men & Women, QOTD

From Mandy Baldwin at Country Squire Magazine :

“Talking of sex, ladies, if you don’t like what’s being dished up, try varying the menu, instead of betraying private foibles to anyone who’ll listen. How would you like your bits being the subject of gossip? He’s not a rapist just because you’ve gone off him. If he makes your flesh crawl in a bad way, you don’t make a feminist statement by hanging around. Leave, make your own life, let him make his.
“After all, one woman’s mouldy chipolata is another woman’s prime beef-steak, and chances are, he’s equally miserable: not everyone enjoys being shackled to someone who pulls a face like a bull-dog chewing a wasp at the merest hint of a Morning Glory.”

That’s some priceless imagery, right there.

Shocked — Shocked!

Men & Women

“So I joined a site where women sell their bodies to wealthy men, and to my utter horror, most of the men regard the women as little better than prostitutes!”

That wasn’t the actual headline for this stupid woman’s story, of course; this was:

I tried a sugar-baby dating site, and you wouldn’t believe my stories

I’d believe all of them, except for the one where you met a wealthy, handsome man and didn’t sleep with him on your first date.

Fucking hell. If the doomed inhabitants of Sodom and Gomorrah could come back to today’s New York, they’d be the most conservative people in Manhattan.

And as for Miss Sugar:

Quote Of The Day

QOTD

From The Diplomad:

So to sum it up for the [R]esistance:  The anti-semite Trump is the best friend Israel has ever had.  The racist Trump has instituted policies that have produced the lowest unemployment figures in decades for black and hispanic Americans.  The woman-hating Trump had a woman running his campaign (no, not Mrs. Putin), has a woman as Ambassador at the UN, another as the head of DHS, another as head of Education, yet another as White House spokesman, and now has made a woman the head of the CIA.  The oligarch Trump has instituted tax and other policies that are putting more money into more ordinary people’s pockets than has happened in many years.

All just like Hitler did…

 

Good Advertising

Funny Stuff

One of my favorite ad campaigns of all time was that of Smirnoff during the 1970s.  Basically, the formula was a series of ads using the riff of “I thought or did [x], until I discovered Smirnoff.”  Here’s one example:

And:

Other examples include:

  • “I thought Cunnilingus was the Irish airline, until I discovered Smirnoff.”
  • “I thought Wanking was a city in China, until I discovered Smirnoff.”
  • “I thought the Salvation Army came from Salvatia, until I discovered Smirnoff.”
  • “I thought a ménage à trois was a French dish, until I discovered Smirnoff.”
  • “I thought crabs meant soft-shell, until I discovered Smirnoff.”
  • “I thought Fellatio was an admiral in the Royal Navy, until I discovered Smirnoff.”

…and so on.  The lines could be innocuous like the ones in the pictures, or else as racy as the others listed.  Whatever their bent, they were all hilarious, and the theme is actually timeless (the mark of truly great advertising).

Feel free to add your own suggestions on the same theme, in Comments  —  e.g. “I thought the Clinton Foundation was a charity, until I discovered Smirnoff.”

Action – Reaction

Gummint, Legal Stuff

In response to situations such as this:

Two teenagers have been stabbed to death within days of each other as Britain’s knife crime bloodshed continues.

…a judge in Britishland has come up with a solution:

A judge has called for a drastic rethink on the way we use knives in kitchens in a bid to reduce the number of young men dying on our streets because of knife crime.
And he has come up with an idea for a scheme that could be rolled out across the UK where members of the public could take their kitchen knives to be ‘modified’ and the points ground down into rounded ends.

After all, nobody except a professional chef (trained in its use) has any need for a pointed knife, anyway.

I report, you wet your pants laughing.

Everything Gives You Cancer

Bad News

The immortal words of Joe Jackson come to mind:

No amount of alcohol, sausage or bacon is safe according to cancer experts

Even small amounts of processed meats and booze increase the risk of a host of cancers outlined in World Cancer Research Fund (WCRF) guidelines updated every decade.
The respected global authority has unveiled a 10-point plan to cut your risk of getting cancer by up to 40%.
Brits have been told to banish favourites such as ham, burgers and hot dogs from their diets by experts who say they are a direct cause of bowel cancer. Processed meats also cause people to be overweight which can trigger many more cancers.
But UK experts have disagreed with the draconian advice insisting the odd bacon sandwich “isn’t anything to worry about”.
The WCRF found boozing is directly linked to increased risk of six cancers and for the first time recommended sticking to water or unsweetened drinks. The report said: “Even small amounts of alcoholic drinks can increase the risk of some cancers. “There is no level of consumption below which there is no increase in the risk of at least some cancers.”
On processed meats it added that “no level of intake can confidently be associated with a lack of risk of bowel cancer”.
Cutting down on steaks and other red meat such as lamb and pork can reduce the risk of bowel cancer.

The WCRF’s 10-point health plan

  1. Be a healthy weight
  2. Be physically active
  3. Eat a diet rich in wholegrains, vegetables, fruit and beans
  4. Limit consumption of ‘fast foods’ and other processed foods high in fat, starches or sugars
  5. Limit consumption of red and processed meat
  6. Limit consumption of sugar sweetened drinks
  7. Limit alcohol consumption
    [last three omitted because irrelevant to my Readers, e.g. breastfeeding]

I guess I’m fucked, then.  Oh well.  Time for some BBQ brisket, Elgin sausage and sweet iced tea.  Or a steak & kidney pie, chips and a pint of London Pride?

If I’m gonna die, I want the doctors to exclaim at my post-mortem, “Bloody hell!  How did he last so long?”

 

There’s no link because the Mirror has the most irritating ads on the planet.  I went there so you don’t have to.  And fuck their “fair use” guidelines.