Your suggestions in Comments, once you’ve stopped laughing.
Author: Kim du Toit
5 Worst Ways For A Woman To Break Up With A Man
(Note to my Lady Readers: I accept no responsibility if you do any of the following.)
Ranked in ascending order of coldness:
- Arrange a “break-up dinner” at a restaurant, and split his head open with a cleaver when he starts whining and protesting
- Invite him over so that he arrives while you’re in bed with the New Guy (and bonus points if it’s his apartment that you’re sharing)
- Tell him you’ve finally decided to have a threesome, only it will be with Roger and Dave, and he’s not invited
- Send him a nude selfie from your hotel room in Jamaica, said selfie to include the equally-naked (and fully erect) Jamaican pool “boy” in the background
- Get your mother to give him the bad news. (Bonus points if she’s always hated him.)
Your suggestions in Comments.
Involuntary Reaction
I read this story with both amazement and sympathy:
Kira Laconetti, 19, a self-taught musician, began experiencing difficulty when singing or listening to music, having two-minute ‘glitches’ and stuttering her words.
An MRI scan on the performer from Lynden, Washington, revealed a marble-sized mass in the right temporal lobe of her brain. The benign tumour was confirmed to be triggering a rare disorder called musicogenic epilepsy.
The condition, which is estimated to affect one in ten million people, according to Epilepsy Society, triggers seizures caused by certain types of music or frequencies of pitch for which the person’s brain has a low tolerance for. It is unclear what specific notes or music prompted Miss Laconetti’s seizures.
I should disclose at this point that I too suffer from musicogenic epilepsy. In my case, it’s brought on not by any individual notes but by certain types of music, notably rap music, bebop jazz and the voice of Taylor Swift.
And I don’t suffer seizures either, just spasms of Tourette’s Syndrome.
Fortunately, I don’t need surgery because the remedy is simple: a little Harry Nilsson, Peter Skellern or even something by the Beatles, and I’m right as rain.
Feel free to share the types of music which trigger your episodes of musicogenic epilepsy, in Comments.
Us Vs. Them
What women see:
“OMG, look how beautiful that sea is, and the islands are so romantic, and look! there’s a cruise ship out there, I wonder what the view’s like from the ship?”
What men see:
…and don’t try to deny it.
Way To Go, Roger
I always liked this guy, as much for his ability as his quiet, classy sportsmanship. And here’s further reason why I should:
Roger Federer has revealed that he refuses to sleep in a bed without his wife of almost a decade by his side.
The Swiss-born tennis ace, 37, who is widely considered the greatest male player of all time, admitted that his wife, children and friends come first, despite his passion for the sport.
In an interview with The Sunday Times, Federer explained that his wife, whom he married in 2009, and their two sets of twins, who are home-schooled, travel everywhere with him when he is on tour.
Gives new meaning to the term “family man”, doesn’t it?. And yeah, his massive income makes that lifestyle possible. Doesn’t mean I shouldn’t applaud him for doing the right thing.
Predictably, Ishmael has an even better (and funnier) take on Federer’s grace and class.
And just for a bonus: some Federer magic. Enjoy.
Growing Market
I have spoken before of my irritation with unnecessary tinkering, specifically with gin. Now I read that gin sales have gone through the roof:
Gin has moved from suburban cocktail parties to the height of fashion with a 276 per cent increase in sales in less than ten years, according to official figures. A report from the Office of National Statistics (ONS) shows the value leapt from £130million to £461million since 2009, and Britain produces some three-quarters of all the gin made in Europe.
And why this growth?
On its own, gin is an unremarkable, albeit powerful, spirit, distilled from barley, maize or wheat. However, the secret of its success and new found popularity comes from the many exotic flavourings that are added.
Chocolate gin? Great Caesar’s aching liver. And just to put the icing on my cake:
Today, gin has been reinvented for young adults with more than half of gin drinkers under 35.
[groan]
That’s just what I needed: one of my all-time favorite drinks has become popular with snowflake millennials and hipsters, albeit after having had its taste changed into kiddie-type flavors.
Is it too early to have a Tanqueray? If so, I think I’ll go out and kick a random hipster in the ass. God, I hate “progress”.