Not to everyone’s taste, mind you; but I LOVE the Dregs. Pure virtuosity.
Author: Kim du Toit
Here They Go Again
Stop me if you’ve heard this one before, from Britishland:
Supermarkets today urged against panic buying as the Government launched a ‘preppers’ website warning families to gather an ’emergency kit’ of tinned food, batteries and bottled water for use in a crisis. Deputy Prime Minister Oliver Dowden will today advise people to make contingency plans for dealing with potential emergencies to help build ‘national resilience’ and ease pressure on emergency services.
Dowden wants to encourage families to stock up with enough food and water to survive for three days in the event of an emergency like a flood.
All very sensible.
Naturally, everybody should build up some kind of reserve supplies of food and so on, and I’m pretty sure that all my Murkin Readers have already done so, with the judicious addition of guns and ammo in place so as to protect said emergency supplies against predation from those who haven’t.
And speaking of Americans:
While British ministers believe it is wise for people to take precautions, they will be keen to avoid imitations of the elaborate preparations for ‘doomsday’ scenarios made by US survivalists.
Of course they will, because the whole concept of self-reliance is anathema to politicians — and especially so in Britishland. So while the BritGov encourages people to have some emergency supplies on hand (three days? FFS), they don’t want their peasants to have too much of a supply, because… actually, I don’t have the faintest idea why they wouldn’t, other than malevolence or spite.
Feel free to enlighten me.
For those who may have missed them, or who are recent visitors to this website, here are a few from the archives:
Proper Means
My response to this story should come as no surprise to anyone:
In a horrifying attack, Angeline Mahal, in her 50s, died after she was savaged by her [own] two XL bullies in east London yesterday. It was thought to be the first fatal attack by dogs exempted from the nationwide ban on the breed.
James Hare, a qualified dog trainer who teaches children how to behave around dogs, stresses that any dog has the ability to attack and we’re far more likely to get bitten by smaller breeds. But he adds that it is the size and strength of an XL Bully that gives them a stronger jaw lock and makes them more deadly.
…and then trots out all the usual useless bullshit about distracting it with food, etc. etc., when really all that’s necessary is
“Oh but Kim,” I hear, “we live in Britishland where, by law, we’re not allowed to own eeeevil guns or dangerous items like pepper spray! What can we do?”
Vote for politicians who will overturn those stupid laws. Otherwise, it looks as though you’ll just have to get used to being Alpo.
News Roundup
And speaking of cuts, we have some news from the Dept. Of Education:
...I’d suggest “Gender Studies” (or “Anything” Studies), but then I’d be accused of being a hater.
...wait, there are still some male teachers out there?
And from The Great Cultural Assimilation Project©:
…
In other International News:
...I really, REALLY hope that this was a deliberate act of assassination (by the Izzies, the CIA, Iranian dissidents — anyone, I’m not fussy who), and not just some mechanical failure in the chopper.
...seems as though a lot of countries are having problems with ‘coon invasions.
And on this side of The Pond, although not necessarily in the U.S.A.:
…
And in the Dept. Of Irony:
...this almost rivals “AIDS Cure Found In Dolphin Livers” as a headline.
In the Sexual Confusion Dept.:
...to the surprise of nobody except the Raving Loony Party.
And in Political News:
...I would imagine during the next Democrat Socialist Administration.
...see, if she’d just married him first...
And in Entertainment News:
...and no, it never fucking ends. Until they go out of business.
...£££££££££££ $$$$$$$$$$$$ €€€€€€€€€€€€ ? Mind you, it’s not ALL bad:
...even though I STILL wouldn’t recognize any of their songs if my life depended on it.
Time for some more 
...and “Who she?” you ask:
...good grief, no man should.
And to get all that scrubbed from our brains, we’ll take a drive down 
:
...we’ve seen her before, and here she is again:
And on that low-cut note, we end the news roundup.
Caption Competition #343
Your suggestions in Comments.
Not Shocking; Hilarious
If this little story doesn’t make you guffaw with laughter, we can’t be friends:
This is the shocking moment a King’s Guard horse bites a tourist after she touches the animal while posing for a photo. Video footage, which has gone viral on social media with over 855,000 views, shows the woman putting her hand on the horse’s neck while posing for a photograph. The horse then swings its head towards the woman before clamping down on her saree.
My only regret is that it didn’t bite the fool woman’s tit off. It tried its best, though.
Where do people get the idea that the world is their own personal little stage where they can do whatever they like, without suffering any consequences?
Update: Heeeeeerrrre comes another one! This time, Snowball got a good grip.