Author: Kim du Toit

“Dear Dr. Kim”

Advice

“Dear Dr. Kim:

“I’m a somewhat public figure, the head of state of a small island kingdom, and I have the rather distasteful task of visiting one of my country’s former colonies in the near future.

“Needless to say, I’m being scolded for the sins of my father (and grandfather, and great-grandfather, etc. etc.) and told that I have to apologise for the ‘unpleasant aspects’ of the colonisation of said ex-colony.

“What do you suggest I say?”

 — CR, London / Windsor / Balmoral et al.

 

Dear CR (if that is really your name, and not some silly outmoded title):

I think you have every obligation to apologize to these poor, hard-done-by indigenous assholes.

You should apologize for:

  • creating an agricultural industry that helped them grow from a hodgepodge assortment of hunter-gatherers into an agricultural nation which would, had they not fucked up said industry through mismanagement (after your government left), have resulted in their country being self-sufficient for all their food needs instead of being the starving basket-case they are currently;
  • a system of democratic government which they had never had before, but still rely on today — even though they’ve done their best to fuck that up with sundry military coups and so on in recent history;
  • a legal system which doesn’t rely on the whim of a chief or the ravings of crazed witch-doctors, but on a series of laws which are more or less copies of your home country’s laws and which grant them all sorts of rights which their ordinary people never enjoyed over the few thousand years prior to your colonization of the wretched place;
  • things like hospitals (staffed by actual doctors and not the aforementioned crazed witch-doctors), schools which teach people how to read and write (skills also glaringly absent from the ordinary people over the few thousand years prior to your colonization of the wretched place), and the engineering skills (e.g. roads and plumbing) which they rely upon today in a vain attempt to keep their tottering infrastructure running despite the grasping and egregious corruption and avarice which were, lest we forget, markedly absent from your previous colonial government — at least, compared to the industrial-scale thievery of current times;
  • technology:  things like electricity, radio, telephones and television which, despite the efforts of the BBC to prove otherwise, never existed over the few thousand years prior to your colonization of the wretched place;
  • sports like cricket, football, tennis, golf and other harmless activities which took the place of indigenous sports like inter-tribal slaughter and fleeing from ravenous wild animals, all of which were a feature of life during the few thousand years prior to your colonization of the wretched place
  • a language which enabled the multiple tribes to have a common lingua franca  instead of the intense mutual hatred and mistrust caused by not having such;
  • a culture based upon hitherto-alien concepts like “fair play”, “doing the right thing” and lest we forget, “charity” — none of which, once again, were in existence over the few thousand years prior to your colonization of the wretched place.

This is but a partial list of things you absolutely should apologize for:  I’m sure your former colonial officials can give you many more.

And then, having made said public groveling apologies, you should get out of town and visit some of the beautiful game parks and reserves, none of which existed over the few thousand years prior to your colonization of the wretched place.

I hope this helps.

—

News Roundup

Bad News

So let’s look at some not-so serious news, for starters:


...asking the question nobody really needs an answer to.


...and if you think she had “daddy issues” before this...

But some have different ideas on the facility:


...keyword:  Germany.


...wait, you mean Trump’s not going to set up firing squads after he’s elected?
#LostVote


...I guess “hunting over bait” is illegal there.  And somebody remind me again why people like this are still alive, let alone not still in jail.

And in Glueball Jihate News:


...and the Izzies missed out on this Target Of Opportunity?


...and Turkey’s Kurdish separatists are just freedom fighters.  See how that works, you Islamist asshole?


...hey, it’s their First Amendment right.  Now, under the same auspices, let’s talk about taking care of this bitch:


...crucifixion or beheading?  I report, you decide.
#CulturalAppropriation


…my suggestion:  round up everyone involved in this rally, and deport them to Gaza.  Let’s see how they’re treated by Hamas.

And now for some more Girlyman News:


...IBM HQ is in Armonk, NY (he explained unnecessarily).

From the Great Cultural Assimilation Project comes this item:


...so much for that silly “Homeland Security” thing.

Time for the ever-popular (and link-free) INSIGNIFICA:

        

...hey, “EggSlut” isn’t that bad, when you consider the other options, e.g. “Brekkie-Box” , “Fried Faggots” or “Spotted Dick”.

Finally, on thinking about things we’d like to eat, here’s another perennial favorite:


…

Call that “busty”?  Nope.  We want MOAR busty:

…kinda like that.

Erratum:  in last week’s roundup, I suggested that the brewery worker found peeing into the vat may have been employed by Anheuser-Busch.  This was incorrect.  The actual brand of beer thus “affected” was China’s Tsingtao and not Bud Lite.  I regret the incorrect aspersion, because we all know that Bud Lite is most excellent beer, the favorite of young drunken men for decades, who can’t all be wrong. [eyecross]

Also, keyword:  China.

By the way, Tsingtao is the Asian equivalent of Bud Light — very popular, for no apparent reason.

Worn Out

Writing

I see that aged author Jilly Cooper has thrown in the towel, so to speak, when it comes to writing her bonkfest novels.  Actually, it’s kinda sad:

The 86-year-old, who’s known for her light-hearted take on erotic fiction, confessed that penning her new book, Tackle!, was much tougher than her others because she’s not that interested in sex any more.

The British author, who lost her husband Leo ten years ago, and said writing hot scenes to satisfy readers was harder than people think. 

She told Good Housekeeping magazine: ‘I’m 86 now and have forgotten how to do it! 

‘It’s quite difficult to write sex scenes – you can’t go on finding ways to do it differently.’

Well, yes — it’s the same thing about having sex itself:  once you’ve gone through the Kama Sutra and gone around the clock face a few times, it is a little difficult to imagine new ways of putting it together, so to speak.  Hence, I suppose, why people do things like threesomes, sex parties and affairs, not to mention going over to the Dark Side and exploring things like BDSM and bonking those of Tender Years.

Writing it is even more difficult.  I once wrote an entire erotic novel, the sex scenes strung together with only the flimsiest of common threads, and by the end of it — after a massive sex orgy — I had the “hero” of the story get married to the only woman he hadn’t managed to seduce.  I think he was as tired of fucking around as I was.  (And no, I haven’t published it, and probably won’t, even though it did receive rave reviews from a select few beta testers, as it were.)

Anyway, ol’ Jilly’s sex scenes were quite racy for the times in which she wrote them — good grief, over thirty years, it’s a miracle she can come up with a different plot, let alone yet another different way to describe the insertion of Tab A into Slot B (as Sarah Hoyt so delightfully puts it).

But if the old pen is starting to droop with over-use, there’s unfortunately no Writer’s Viagra to come [sic] to the rescue.

Writing about sex is about as ridiculous as having it, at age 86.