Category: Advice

“Dear Dr. Kim,
“Yesterday I ate some Chinese food, and today I’m not feeling well. Could I have caught the coronavirus?”

— Hyper Kondriac, Illinois

Dear Hyper Moron:
Never mind. I’m sure you’ll be better by November, when you can vote Democrat.  And even if you die before then, the fucking Democrats will register your vote anyway.

— Dr. Kim

“Dear Dr. Kim:
“Please could you tell me how one might become more resilient in the face of constant disappointment in life? I don’t believe I set the bar high, yet so often I feel unhappy with the way things turn out to be.
For example, I invested thousands of pounds of savings (in addition to a large loan) to pay for a degree that led to no graduate job or studentship for a PhD. I worked in a hotel for two years to save for a masters degree, which I’m now undertaking.
The quality of this course is also extremely disappointing and I really regret starting it.
The rejections have begun again due to the competitive nature of securing a funded PhD (I’ve had my CVs and applications checked and they are fine). I fear the same will happen again once I finish this course.
There are also disappointments on a broader scale, for instance, the catastrophe that is Brexit and the fact people still continue to live a life convenient for them at the expense of damaging our planet. All this has started to chip away at me and at the age of 25 I feel bitter.
I know life is anything but fair, but I am struggling to change my mindset. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.”

— Princess PhD, London

Dear Princess:
Basically, I can see no end to your horrible unhappiness and the resulting bitterness, and can offer you no advice other than to kill yourself.
While this may seem a somewhat extreme remedy for your many ills, it’s not all bad:  you won’t have to endure the trauma of having to deal with rejection and you won’t have to deal with the consequences of other people’s foolishness like Brexit and planet damage.  And on the financial side, you won’t have to pay your tuition fees either, as you probably have no money saved for your estate.
If you shrink from suicide — as this seems to be a habit of yours in dealing with life’s unpleasantness — then I suggest you eat four Tide pods and call me in the morning.

Normal disclaimer / obligatory warning for stupid people:

Dr. Kim isn’t a doctor, doesn’t play one on TV (but has been known to do so with unsuspecting women on an ad-hoc basis).  His advice should be taken with a metric tonne of salt and two metric tonnes of humor, and should be followed with extreme care.  Dr. Kim takes no responsibility for outcomes of separation, violence, divorce or strange diseases stemming from the adoption of his advice.

“Dear Dr. Kim:
“I would like more variety in sex but my wife is only interested in vanilla sex – and not much of that.  We got married when we were 18 and inexperienced.  It was the first serious relationship for both of us.  We are 46 now with two grown-up daughters.  Now should be our time but my wife has no interest in sex.  I told her I want to improve our sex life but she says sex is the last thing on her mind.  She hates her breasts being touched. She says oral sex does nothing for her and will not even allow me to try.  I now get it from her once every six months.  She says she can take sex or leave it but it is killing my spirit.  What advice do you have for me?”

— Sex-Starved Monkey

Dear Starved:

I am usually against the modern strain of advice which urges youngins to move in together before they’re married so that they can see if they’re sexually compatible.  Then every so often I see a situation like yours, and that advice doesn’t seem so bad after all.

You didn’t say what your sex life was like right after you got married and before you had kids, but I’m willing to guess that it wasn’t that great to start off with.  But that’s all water under the bridge, so let’s see what you can do now in order to get your leg over a little more often.

My advice is to start a new hobby, a solitary one which takes you out of the house for extended periods of time each week — birdwatching, target shooting, maybe fishing, something of that nature.  Start doing that as soon as possible, and invite the Ice Queen to join you — in fact, insist on her joining you for at least the first few times.  She’ll get bored eventually, and will refuse to come along with you.

Then, and only  then, is when you can get yourself a mistress.  Under cover of your hobby, you’ll have time a-plenty to indulge yourself in carnal pleasures such as oral sex and breast stroking of the non-aquatic variety.  Believe it or not, many women of your age have sympathy for men such as you and will gladly help you out.  It’s called “friends with benefits” nowadays, and it is far preferable to spending time and money on hookers.  (Avoid that option like the plague, because that’s precisely one of the risks, of course.)

There’s only one word of caution I have for you.  You may fall in love with Miss Part-Time, or she with you, or both with each other.  At that point, it’s Grown-Up Time:  you may have to make the decision whether you want to leave the Ice Queen and turn Miss Part-Time into Miss Full-Time.  (Or, gawd forbid, into Mrs. Full-Time.  Don’t do that unless you want your lovely new sex life to disappear like snow on a hot summer’s day.  Learn from your mistakes.)

On the other hand, if you love the Ice Queen despite the no-sex thing, or don’t want to risk leaving the poor excuse of marriage that you have, or realize that you can live with twice-a-year crap sex, then don’t do any of what I just said.  Do what countless men in your predicament do all over the world, and watch lots of Internet porn while wanking yourself into insensibility.  Don’t feel guilty about it, either:  the male sex urge is undeniable and pretty much unstoppable.  I’m not saying you should flaunt that activity in front of the Ice Queen, of course — a gentleman should be discreet about this kind of thing — but if she does catch you in flagrante delicto, do not apologize.  The fault is hers, not yours.  (If she freaks out and says, “I can’t live with a pervert like you”, then take her up on her unspoken invitation.)

One last, and possibly unworthy thought.  Did it ever occur to you that the Ice Queen doesn’t have a problem with sex, but only sex with you?  Are you a slob, or a boor or anything like that?  If you are, then that may be your problem, and not a frigid wife.  If you are not that guy, your wife may not want sex with you because she’s getting it somewhere else.  (I personally doubt it, but it’s worth looking into.)

Good luck, and happy wanking.

— Dr. Kim

Normal disclaimer / obligatory warning for stupid people:

Dr. Kim isn’t a doctor, doesn’t play one on TV (but has been known to do so with unsuspecting women on an ad-hoc basis).  His advice should be taken with a metric tonne of salt and two metric tonnes of humor, and should be followed with extreme care.  Dr. Kim takes no responsibility for outcomes of separation, violence, divorce or strange diseases stemming from the adoption of his advice.