“Dear Dr. Kim,
“I have a son aged 38. He has a partner and three children. My husband and I feel as though we’ve been cut off because we haven’t seen any of them since Christmas 2019. One of his sons was born in 2021, so we haven’t even met him.
“There hasn’t been a falling out – it seems that we have just drifted into this situation. The main problem is his partner. She used to claim that we never made the effort to see them, even though we were always the ones who messaged and made plans.
“In fact they never once came to us. It always felt like we did all the running – but this wasn’t good enough for her. The longer the situation has gone on, the harder it is to see a way out.
“Our daughter and my elderly father have also heard nothing from our son. He has cut himself off from the whole family. But I know that as soon as someone dies he will want his share of any inheritance.
“Dr. Kim, I’m at a loss as to what to do.”
— Cut Loose
Dear Loose:
It sounds very much like you’ve come across the dreaded “Poontang Over Parents” situation. In these situations, it’s often a terrible thing when your son chooses the former option, but as much as I make light of the problem, it’s not at all a nice thing.
The part of your letter that bothers me is this: “I know that as soon as someone dies he will want his share of any inheritance.”
Right now, you’re being stiffed from the love and joy one should expect from grandchildren — fucking hell, it’s the only upside of having your own kids in the first place — and there’s only one way to head off this little bit of avaricious spite.
Actions have consequences, and your asshole of a son (and the bitch he’s hooked up with) will need to learn this lesson ASAP.
You and your husband should prepare a joint Last Will & Testament now (I’ll explain the “now” in a moment). In it, make sure to specify that Loving Son will get nothing, nada, bupkes from your estate, ever, and your daughter and her family (whom you love and who loves you back) will get it all. Be sure to explain why, in as scathing or hurt tones as you can manage (your lawyer will doubtless be able to offer good advice thereon).
Then send him a copy (with receipt signature required, to prove that he actually got it). Don’t put a cover letter with the will; just let the thing stand all by itself.
Yes, this may exacerbate the situation, but let’s be honest here: how much worse can it get?
And why should you do this now? Simply put, if you do it later, the little shit may contest the will, claiming that you and your husband were “mentally impaired by advanced age” or whatever the legal term is, so it’s in your best interests to make that a non-issue.
I am truly sorry that you are being put through this, but right now there’s not much else you can do. Pleading with him to change his behavior will just give the Bitch Girlfriend satisfaction.
By the way, I’m accepting your assertion that their behavior is indeed unwarranted. If it turns out that you or your husband said or did something unpleasant to the girlfriend, then you are the ones seeing the consequences of your actions.
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