Category: Bad News

…and in my case, the early morning sun.  Anyway, let’s see what the news had to offer us last week:

...let’s give the man the benefit of the doubt, here:  there are a couple hundred good reasons why someone would carry an AR-15 near the Capitol.

In Global Cooling Climate Warming Change© News:

...no reports from Minneapolis or Green Bay, though.

Now let’s look in at the Great Cultural Assimilation Project:

...joining the Scandi countries in this initiative.

A Technology Newsflash:

...betting is that the crushed guy was a lifelong Democrat voter, in which case the robot can be forgiven its confusion.

And still more technology, or rather, reversing technology:

...sadly, this is not the beginning of a trend.  I’ve seen the numbers (as a consultant to supermarket chains, remember) and the savings are just too great, in an industry which still runs on 1.75% net margins.

And now, in Wildlife News:

...no confirmation that her name was Mary.

...acting like Southside Chicagoans, in other words.  Still on bears:

...remember, kids:  shoot, shovel and shut up.  And for the “shoot” part, I can recommend the following (stainless because it’s kinda humid out there):
...the latter loaded with slugs, as extra-special anti-bear medicine. 

Time for a Glueball Jewhate update:

...yeah, guys:  that’s really sticking it to the Infidel.  You chumps.

...my suggestion:

In Travel News:

...yeah, I’ve flown coach on American too;  it’s no picnic.

And in the ever-uninteresting category known as INSIGNIFICA:

        ...for “star-studded”, read “well-worn vaginas”.
...killjoy.

And still on that note [sic], there’s Entertainment News:

...as long as it’s Kylie Minogue and not Lizzo.  Here’s the helium-voiced Kylie:

 

 

…and here’s Lizzo:

Read more

 

(Chris Muir has been on fire recently)

In Glueball Jewhate News:

...the only question being:  other than Embassy staff (because it’s their job), WTF are any Americans doing in that shithole?  And speaking of shitholes:

...to the surprise of absolutely nobody, seeing as the ANC are terrorist scum, just like Hamas.  And speaking of nobodies:

...yeah maybe, asswipe;  but like the pigs in Animal Farm, some hands are a lot more dirty than others.  Yours, for instance, you malodorous terrorsymp.  And speaking of asswipes:

...of course he does, the feckless girlyman, because all the statistics show that more “migrants”, more crime.  And he likes crime, especially as he’s trying his best to disarm the existing Canucki population.

Finally, a reversal:

...not much fun when it happens to your lot, is it?

And in other Great Cultural Assimilation News:

...note:  islands.  Side note:  where’s General Franco when we need him?  Or Pinochet, for that matter?

And in Sorta-Legal News:

...well it sure as fuck isn’t a real trial, either.  It’s more of a political stunt than anything else.

...wait:  you mean it hasn’t been banned yet, Over There?

There’s always Global Warming Climate Cooling Change© News:

...oh dear.  Did we get it all wrong?

In Financial News:

...and:

…

...isn’t there a statute of limitations on this bullshit?  And if not, why not?  And speaking of sex:

...actually, it’s all about how he doesn’t let his young son watch porn, but there ya go.

And in our favorite department, INSIGNIFICA:

      ...”Fuck me, Jack” ?

And finally, in Slut News:

...who she?  you ask.  Some Brit TV reality tart, nothing special:

And in an earlier incarnation:

Got the idea?  I think so.

And in other SEX NEWS:

...keyword:  Australia.

...so it’ll be Cherry 2024, then?  I’d even sell a couple guns for the premium “Salma” model… on the black market if I had to:

...just curious:  what does her age gave to do with it?

Speaking of things up the ass, try this one:

...yeah, attacking your opponent for wearing lifts.  Advice so good, it could only have come from Karl Rove.

On to the Glueball Jewhate News:

...embrace the concept of “equal quantities of both”, Stephen.

In related news, from the Dept. of Irony:

...sheesh, when you lose the professionals on this issue, you gotta know you’re pretty much fucked.

From Petty Crime News:

...here’s a punishment to fit the crime:  scourging, spread out over a few days, to include the face.  Then, if he wants to get rid of all those ugly scars, he can pay $50,000 to a plastic surgeon.  All those in favor:

Signs of sanity from the Great Cultural Assimilation Program:

...see?  That was easy.

Among the Global Warming Climate Cooling Change© events:

...I forget:  is the climate warming or cooling these days?

Time for some Financial News:

...the rest, he probably just wasted on low-class women of easy virtue.  Not that there’s anything WRONG with that.

...nah, they’ve just changed to buying them from Walmart, you idiot.

...in Hollywood terms, it’s “Madoff 2”, but with sexier-named scam terms and an uglier scapegoat.

In link-free INSIGNIFICA:

 

...now that’s a really good question.  You pussy.

Some welcome news:

...I just report;  you decide.

 

More evidence can be provided, upon request.

Let’s start off with some Food News:

...an overreaction to the milkshake machine breaking down yet again?  Also, keyword:  Liverpool.

And we’re not done with MickeyD yet:

...they should have taken the example of the above and all set themselves on fire.  Keyword:  Bristol.

And speaking of clueless idiots:

...life sucks, and then you realize just how much.  Nothing that a little military draft experience couldn’t fix — because that’s when you realize that as much as you think your life sucks, it can get far worse.

From Hogwarts News:

...my question is:  is this course offered by the Psychology or Economics department?

...wait, you mean astrology, chicken entrails, palm readings and tea leaves are all Fake Science now?

From the Let NYC Sink Dept.:

...Dr. Kim sez: take two spare mags, and call me in the morning.

In related news:

...will no one rid us of this meddlesome Nazi?  [/Henry II]

Still on the Glueball Jihate thing:

...I’ve always said that what the Islamist World needs is a whole more martyrs.  More like this, please.

And in Global Cooling Climate Warming Change© news:

...key word:  Sussex.  Wait:  Sussex county England, not Sussex county, Oklahoma?

In Dead Entertainer News:

Matthew Perry Dead By Drowning
...I forget:  he was the non-Schwimmer, right?

...wait:  Morgan Fairchild is 73???

...Great Aphrodite’s wrinkled thingy.

Some Sex Social Work News:

...no link because it’s all right there in the headline.

And in some equally-spicy INSIGNIFICA:

   
…just so she can sing about them in her next break-up song?

From Woman’s World:

...she’s not technically a gran as she’s only in her Fabulous Fifties, but whatever.
We’ve seen her on these pages before;  but not like this:

And speaking of women in their Fabulous Fifties, here’s a 51-year-old we all know and I lust after:

...yes, it’s a double feature of scantily-clad women today.  Whatever:

Yeah, I’d give her the old International Harvester any day.

And on that soulful note, we end our news.

So let’s look at some not-so serious news, for starters:

...asking the question nobody really needs an answer to.

...and if you think she had “daddy issues” before this...

But some have different ideas on the facility:

...keyword:  Germany.

...wait, you mean Trump’s not going to set up firing squads after he’s elected?
#LostVote

...I guess “hunting over bait” is illegal there.  And somebody remind me again why people like this are still alive, let alone not still in jail.

And in Glueball Jihate News:

...and the Izzies missed out on this Target Of Opportunity?

...and Turkey’s Kurdish separatists are just freedom fighters.  See how that works, you Islamist asshole?

...hey, it’s their First Amendment right.  Now, under the same auspices, let’s talk about taking care of this bitch:

...crucifixion or beheading?  I report, you decide.
#CulturalAppropriation

…my suggestion:  round up everyone involved in this rally, and deport them to Gaza.  Let’s see how they’re treated by Hamas.

And now for some more Girlyman News:

...IBM HQ is in Armonk, NY (he explained unnecessarily).

From the Great Cultural Assimilation Project comes this item:

...so much for that silly “Homeland Security” thing.

Time for the ever-popular (and link-free) INSIGNIFICA:

        

...hey, “EggSlut” isn’t that bad, when you consider the other options, e.g. “Brekkie-Box” , “Fried Faggots” or “Spotted Dick”.

Finally, on thinking about things we’d like to eat, here’s another perennial favorite:

…

Call that “busty”?  Nope.  We want MOAR busty:

…kinda like that.

Erratum:  in last week’s roundup, I suggested that the brewery worker found peeing into the vat may have been employed by Anheuser-Busch.  This was incorrect.  The actual brand of beer thus “affected” was China’s Tsingtao and not Bud Lite.  I regret the incorrect aspersion, because we all know that Bud Lite is most excellent beer, the favorite of young drunken men for decades, who can’t all be wrong. [eyecross]

Also, keyword:  China.

By the way, Tsingtao is the Asian equivalent of Bud Light — very popular, for no apparent reason.

Some more Booze News to smile (or grimace) at:

...panic subsides when the brand is revealed as Bud Lite, where nobody could tell the difference.

...and sales of hip flasks soar.

From the files of Captain Obvious:

...surely not.  Also:

...as did Obama’s ATF, Bush’s ATF and Clinton’s ATF.  Even Trump’s ATF had a go with that bullshit “bump stock” thing.  And finally:

...as do most students, quite frankly.

Legal News:

...show of hands:  who agrees with this punishment and wish we could have it here in Murka?

...thought so.

From the Dept. of Corporate Anchor-Tossing:

…

...and about damn time too, Tribesters (Tribe Readers excluded, for obvious reasons).

...I’m “triggered” by many things, e.g. sexual perverts teaching our children, but that doesn’t mean I’m just going to go out and whack a couple of Red Sox fans at random. Here’s another thing that triggers me:

...my suggestion for the Maine cops:  find this murderous bastard, then shoot him dead, whether he surrenders or not.  Spare us all the hassle and expense, willya?

…

And in Global Warming Climate Cooling Change© News:

...should never have been there in the first fucking place.

...big deal. Anyone can plan ahead for the next three months.

And there’s always INSIGNIFICA:

   

…I’m struggling to see the actual crime, here.

...fully clothed?

   

…and that’s the end of Train Smash News.