Category: Bad News

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From the Dept. of Global Cooling Climate Warming Change:

...of course they are.  As long as you can produce some, you know, proof of your assertion, you malevolent troll.

...yeah, petty reasons like escaping grinding poverty, bloody civil wars and Muslim barbarism just can’t compete.

...are we sure it’s not that pesky climate change’s fault?

...fantasy, meet reality.  Pretty, innit?

And for the next such meeting, watch this development:

...this “reimagining” will work out not as hoped for by people named Gavin Newsom, but precisely as expected by the Reality-Based Community.

And in Entertainment News:

...not that anyone can actually afford Disneyland’s prices anymore anyway.

From the Heart Of Stone Chronicles:

...okay, you can all quit that derisive laughter now.

...so to sum up:  telling the truth is now a terrorist crime?  Got it.

...which would be nice, except that then you have to live among Swiss people.

...I think Biden needs to suffer a lot more, on a more profound and elemental level.  Related:

When you ask ChatGPT to create a photo of a bitter socialist eco-warrior activist with an Ivy League degree and possible lesbian tendencies, this is probably what you’ll get:

…and…
...am I the only one who thinks that there’s so much wrong with both these situations?

And from the Dept. Of Corporate Fascism:

...the “opposition” did not include whipping, defenestration, tar & feathers or heads on pikes, but it should have.

And in INSIGNIFICA:

 

And finally:

...keyword:  Germany.

However, this being Germany, there’s also a greater-than-zero chance of this:

And that’s it for the news.

Brought to you by:

And speaking of getting the runs:

...fuckers need to be invaded again, just to set them straight.  Powdered beer… JHC.

…that’s Detroit MI, with its long, rich heritage of brewing.

...okay, I pick “hell”. Your move, Brandon.

...leaving only 6 million or so illegal voter registrations to go.

...in accountants’ terms, he “lost” money even though he ended up with $120 million or something over what he originally paid for it.  Not that any of it matters, cos he’s dead.

From the Dept. Of Irony:

...despite (or maybe because of) naming him “Cuddles”.

From the Dept. Of “Defense”:

...if I were a donor, I’d also hold off till they rename it the “Robert E. Lee Military Institute”.

And news from the SPCA:

...can you spell “irrational panic”, children?  And:

...reaction from all cat-loving losers in 3…2…1...

Now it’s INSIGNIFICA TIME:

And finally:

...nothing “weird” about that at all, IMO.  Especially when you see them:

Not really my cup(s) of tea, but that’s the news for ya.

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And some people who have no clue:

...who’s this little gayboy, again?  Has he ever been elected to any office?

Then again:

...seems like these elected officials from Red America know more about the topic than the above gayboy.

...then maybe small-bore cartridges will do the trick? I’m thinking something around .357 (handguns) or 6.5mm (rifles), but I’m always open to alternatives.

And now on to less relevant topics:

...I’m trying to see why this is my problem.

...to the complete surprise of… nobody.

...I’d be too embarrassed to come along too, if I were the little shit who’d blocked all Trump’s border security initiatives.

...this report coming to you from Planet Obvious.

...I think “assisted suicide” should be left to the professionals — i.e. the Clintons.

...sounds about right.

...and this too sounds about right.  No mention of any pre-execution torture, however, which makes me sad.

From the Teacher Of The Year Competition:

...I know, I too wish I were of school-going age right now.

And from our Paige Three Department:

...wherein our girl makes us proud, once again.

Now for INSIGNIFICA:

   

...fixed it for them.

Finally, some news of a career change:

...for the Beanpole fans among you.

Now off to keep your careers going, such as they are.

Sponsored by the manufacturers of:

And in similar vein:

...and they said romance was dead.

...roll on Cherry 2000, baby.

...and handed it to the cops as “evidence”.  Works for me.

...because no Black man, ever, has stolen a car.

...Rolling who?

...wait, a 1.5 Richter?  [laughs in Turkish]

...once again:  beware round numbers.  And see next week’s breathless report which will completely contradict this one.

…sorry, m’lady, but this started LONG before #MeToo.
#PussificationOfTheWesternMale.

...okay, now THAT’S funny.

From the Dept. Of Energy:

...eagles to the west of me, whales in the east, here I am stuck in the middle with you coal. [thankee, Reader terrapod]

...and predictably, all the mainstream media reports are about how the cops beat him up while getting his gun away from him.

...if they can fuck with Roald Dahl’s books, I can bowdlerize their fucking headlines.

And from the dripping files of INSIGNIFICA:

   

And finally, on a musical note:

…and while we’re there:

I think she’s adorable — although I’m still trying to deal with her being 48 (!!!) — and she has a brilliant (and sexy) stage act.

Sponsored by the makers of:

From the Dept. Of Global Warming Climate Cooling Change:

...Snowflake City.

...I prefer to keep things simple: don’t trust ANY government agency.

And speaking of government-run institutions:

…

...because of course he would.

From the Dept. Of Irony:

...or as he himself might say:  “Burn, baby, burn.”

From the Dept. Of Education:

...only 55?  They need to try harder.

...what’s gambled in Vegas, stays in Vegas.

Dept. Of International News:

...as are all who dare challenge the Great Cultural Melting Pot Experiment.

...♫ ♪ ♫ ♪…it’s raining beasts, hallelujah...♫ ♪ ♫ ♪

...laugh all you want, but in a couple years’ time this won’t be satire.

And in INSIGNIFICA:

 

This Roundup’s Hotty Totty:

There’s this Brit TV show about people leaving gloomy Britishland for sunnier climes, and one of the show’s hosts is named Laura Hamilton:

 

 

Little toothy, but still quite MILFy…

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And on that pungent note, here’s the real smelly stuff:

...not that she should have been arrested in the first place, but this DID happen in Airstrip One, after all.

From the Dept. Of Irony:

...on the bright side, it wasn’t crucifixion.

...but for those of us who’ve been paying attention, it’s turning out EXACTLY as we expected.

…AK, Glock, howitzers, they’re all the same to him, the demented old fucker.  And speaking of which:

...if it’s fake news, can fake medical tests be far behind? 

...so:  back to your bedtime triple espressos, then.

...to prove that all appearances to the contrary, she ISN’T Billy Idol?

...key word:  France.

...2% of the population, 2% of the commercials.  What to complain about?

...now THAT’S going to hit them hard, so to speak.  And speaking of ejaculations:

...the medical equivalent of drive-through restaurants.

And from INSIGNIFICA:

   

...because as any fule kno, if they’re NOT old enough to bleed...

...who she? you ask.

Here’s the fun part, though.  Once you get past the carefully-styled and artfully-posed pics, what you really get is something a little… errrr plumper:

 

Fake news, in other words.