Category: Bad News

And speaking of getting the finger:

...as woker becomes broker.

...see above.

...bloody peasants.  How dare you try to improve your standard of living?

…

…then gets shot dead by irate homeowner — oh wait, this is Los Angeles, nemmind.

...nor should he, except that he’s a Brit — which means that you have to allow burglars free rein on your property, even if they threaten your life.  Kinda like L.A.

…

...go Huskers.  Better late than never.

From the Dept. of Unforeseen Consequences:

...you don’t say.

...forget it, Jake;  it’s Michigan.

In Showbiz News:

...witchcraft and sorcery inexplicably omitted from secret.

And related:

...so we’ve gone from this:    ...to this:

Now is when we suck out the INSIGNIFICA:

...headline may include a typo.  And no, I have no clue who she is, either.

And that’s all the news fit to (un)cover.

Canadians:  the old enemy.

...I’ll believe Canucki “experts” when it comes to hockey, snow removal or maple syrup.  Otherwise, not.

And in more Global Cooling Climate Warming Change news:

...as if we needed any more proof that climatism is a religion.  Also, keywords:  New York professors.

...expect “frozen Germans” to become a thing.

...climate change:  is there anything it can’t do?

...wait, weren’t temperatures supposed to be rising because of SUVs etc.?  I’m SO confused.

From the Department of Health Alarmism:

...everybody panic!!!!!!  Or not.

In the “I Did Not Know That!” department:

…I’m just amazed that the Belgies actually import any American beer, let alone that Miller piss.

From the Dept. of Criminal Assholes:

...but the shooter is Black, didn’t use an assault rifle, and shot only other Black people.  Annnnd down the memory hole she goes.

...as the Great Cultural Assimilation Project continues.

...yup, blame all those White Christian “teenagers” shooting people in Chicago, St. Louis, East L.A. and the Bronx.

...if those things are a “reader favorite”, then Insty’s demographics must have changed.  A LOT.

And from the bowels of INSIGNIFICA:

And finally, some news that actually matters:

...oh no, have mercy:

Seriously?  56?  I give up.

Frankly, I kinda prefer the days when most women were tranq’d up and calmer.  Still:

…

From the Dept. Of Education:

…

...keyword:  Wales.  Frankly, I don’t see the fuss — no kids involved, just some chick who likes doing sex things with a chance of being caught in the act.

And speaking of sex things:

...lock up your fathers.

...FFS, Hermione:  get a grip.

From the High Crimes & Misdemeanors Files:

...which it is.  And on the topic of theft:

...if the LA cops aren’t going to charge goblins for theft, then citizens will just mete out their own justice.

...that’s a little ironic, seeing as it’s the Fibbies who are most likely to be doing the hacking.

And in Business News:

...Xerox could not be reached for comment.

...let me see… oh, none anywhere near Plano.  Thanks for nothing, assholes.

In the very bowels of INSIGNIFICA:

   

...next shocker:  men wank watching PornHub.

Finally, in Fashion News:

...not too surprising;  a lot of men like meat on their bones.  It’s only the homo fashion designers with little-boy fetishes who prefer them skeletal.

And that’s all the news that’s fat to print.

So let’s start with womyns…

...I prefer the Roger Sterling take:

...thus showing more commonsense than the average politician blaming the guns.

...because they’re idiots.  See next item:

...I think all PETA members should be forced to house the rats in their own homes.

From the Lawn Awder Files:

...busy little boy, huh?

...and:

...ah yes, “teens”.  Shorter, and easier to spell than “gangs of Black hooligans”.

And speaking of Black hooligans, Over There this time:

...first, they came for the guns.  Then, the machetes.  And then:

...and after this… screwdrivers?  hammers?  potato peelers?

...that “gender equity” thing is a bitch, innit?

In “World” News:

...okay;  how about “enemy”?

From Dept. of Global Cooling Climate Warming Change:

...what?  Solar power not working for Finland, then?  And:

...that’s page 272 in  Das Kapital.

...”give”?  Fuck off, Fattie.  If your fat ass overflows, buy your fat ass its own seat.

...annnnnnd:

And for more INSIGNIFICA:

   

...you could start by minding your own fucking business [sic].
And speaking of sexual activity:

...I know, I know:

...and a few more:

Hey… summer’s coming, right?

So now that we’re suitably anesthetized, let’s chew on the news:

...[snork] you had me at “roads scholar”.  And speaking of bright sparks:

...we need new planners, methinks.  After we’ve made the existing ones disappear.

...or maybe all we need is the modern equivalent of the old “pump jockeys” (loud sound alert):

...and to all the people who thought this awful little trannie would ever see a jail cell, I have a NY bridge for sale.

...that would be scary, except that the Biden Administration is already halfway there — and they did it with stupidity.

...lock up your sons.

...and in the good old days, this little snowflake would have been hanged for lèse-majesté.  I miss those days SO much.

...we already knew that, assholes.  No doubt this was funded with taxpayer money.

…and my solution:

And in INSIGNIFICA:

  ...no pics because sheesh.

...okay, this is going to be good.

Because:

Have mercy (x2).

Today’s sponsor:

And in other health news:

…

...we know, dude — ’cause most of them seem to have ended up in Texas.

...like tossing a pebble into mud:  one small plop, no ripples, silence.

...there seems to be a lot of this going on, and it’s about time.

...it’s almost enough to make me want to go back to shopping at Target… nah, not yet.

...I like this, if only because now they won’t be able to slip in a verse from the Koran, either.

...living down to all my expectations of him.

...welcome to MY world.  Fuck Joe Biden.

And from INSIGNIFICA:

...no doubt she’s all embarrassed about her wrinkles and dried-up old mimsy flaps.

  ...hook up with these guys, sweetie: …that’ll show him.

...I actually tried this, as a service to my Readers.  And it tastes as bad as you think it would.

Finally, in Paige Three News:

...I’d share the link and pics, but I refuse to be responsible for all those exploding erections.

Oh, what the hell…

And that’s it, for the news.