Category: Bad News

Sponsored by:

And some people who have no clue:

...who’s this little gayboy, again?  Has he ever been elected to any office?

Then again:

...seems like these elected officials from Red America know more about the topic than the above gayboy.

...then maybe small-bore cartridges will do the trick? I’m thinking something around .357 (handguns) or 6.5mm (rifles), but I’m always open to alternatives.

And now on to less relevant topics:

...I’m trying to see why this is my problem.

...to the complete surprise of… nobody.

...I’d be too embarrassed to come along too, if I were the little shit who’d blocked all Trump’s border security initiatives.

...this report coming to you from Planet Obvious.

...I think “assisted suicide” should be left to the professionals — i.e. the Clintons.

...sounds about right.

...and this too sounds about right.  No mention of any pre-execution torture, however, which makes me sad.

From the Teacher Of The Year Competition:

...I know, I too wish I were of school-going age right now.

And from our Paige Three Department:

...wherein our girl makes us proud, once again.

Now for INSIGNIFICA:

   

...fixed it for them.

Finally, some news of a career change:

...for the Beanpole fans among you.

Now off to keep your careers going, such as they are.

Sponsored by the manufacturers of:

And in similar vein:

...and they said romance was dead.

...roll on Cherry 2000, baby.

...and handed it to the cops as “evidence”.  Works for me.

...because no Black man, ever, has stolen a car.

...Rolling who?

...wait, a 1.5 Richter?  [laughs in Turkish]

...once again:  beware round numbers.  And see next week’s breathless report which will completely contradict this one.

…sorry, m’lady, but this started LONG before #MeToo.
#PussificationOfTheWesternMale.

...okay, now THAT’S funny.

From the Dept. Of Energy:

...eagles to the west of me, whales in the east, here I am stuck in the middle with you coal. [thankee, Reader terrapod]

...and predictably, all the mainstream media reports are about how the cops beat him up while getting his gun away from him.

...if they can fuck with Roald Dahl’s books, I can bowdlerize their fucking headlines.

And from the dripping files of INSIGNIFICA:

   

And finally, on a musical note:

…and while we’re there:

I think she’s adorable — although I’m still trying to deal with her being 48 (!!!) — and she has a brilliant (and sexy) stage act.

Sponsored by the makers of:

From the Dept. Of Global Warming Climate Cooling Change:

...Snowflake City.

...I prefer to keep things simple: don’t trust ANY government agency.

And speaking of government-run institutions:

…

...because of course he would.

From the Dept. Of Irony:

...or as he himself might say:  “Burn, baby, burn.”

From the Dept. Of Education:

...only 55?  They need to try harder.

...what’s gambled in Vegas, stays in Vegas.

Dept. Of International News:

...as are all who dare challenge the Great Cultural Melting Pot Experiment.

...♫ ♪ ♫ ♪…it’s raining beasts, hallelujah...♫ ♪ ♫ ♪

...laugh all you want, but in a couple years’ time this won’t be satire.

And in INSIGNIFICA:

 

This Roundup’s Hotty Totty:

There’s this Brit TV show about people leaving gloomy Britishland for sunnier climes, and one of the show’s hosts is named Laura Hamilton:

 

 

Little toothy, but still quite MILFy…

Sponsored by:

And on that pungent note, here’s the real smelly stuff:

...not that she should have been arrested in the first place, but this DID happen in Airstrip One, after all.

From the Dept. Of Irony:

...on the bright side, it wasn’t crucifixion.

...but for those of us who’ve been paying attention, it’s turning out EXACTLY as we expected.

…AK, Glock, howitzers, they’re all the same to him, the demented old fucker.  And speaking of which:

...if it’s fake news, can fake medical tests be far behind? 

...so:  back to your bedtime triple espressos, then.

...to prove that all appearances to the contrary, she ISN’T Billy Idol?

...key word:  France.

...2% of the population, 2% of the commercials.  What to complain about?

...now THAT’S going to hit them hard, so to speak.  And speaking of ejaculations:

...the medical equivalent of drive-through restaurants.

And from INSIGNIFICA:

   

...because as any fule kno, if they’re NOT old enough to bleed...

...who she? you ask.

Here’s the fun part, though.  Once you get past the carefully-styled and artfully-posed pics, what you really get is something a little… errrr plumper:

 

Fake news, in other words.

And speaking of flights of fantasy…

...the (much) greater likelihood being that they belong to the Chinese or Russians, and not Klingons.  Who the fuck are you trying to kid?

...OMG criminals don’t need handguns to kill people?

...unfortunately, this statement was not preceded by the words:  “Speaking from his jail cell…”, although it should have been.

...sounds appropriate.

...yeah, eight times a week.

...lemme guess:  Aphrodite was actually a man in drag?

...pass.

...and when she dies as a result of this feral bureaucracy, her husband’s going to do something violent — oh wait, I forgot:  Australia.  Let’s leave them alone to lick their chains.

...just another idea so utterly impractical, stupid and viciously-coldblooded, it could only have come from academia.

...gee, I wonder why men are just so judgey.

...unfortunately, the position responsible was not mentioned. #ShitJournalism.

From the INSIGNIFICA files:

 

...giving a whole new meaning to the term “Officer Friendly”.

And on Paige Three:

...and yes, she was there. Oh, you want proof?

Speaking of a family affair, we see Paige and her mommy:

Whoa.

Sponsored (unofficially) by:

…for reasons that will become clear.

…I used to think like Stephen.  Nowadays, however...

...Granholm again, the loathsome Green bitch.  And speaking of people who need killing:

...having previously rejected using unicorn breath as being “perhaps unrealistic”.

...next: “Climate change causes assault weapons violence.”

And from the Dept. of Education:

...and for once, the story is even better than the headline.

...as the great Roger Sterling once said, when asked the first question: “Who cares?”

And in the Furrin News Dept:

...return to skiing, that is.  His girlfriend has apparently left him for “someone who can satisfy me”.

...South African thieves are upset because he died before they could rob him.

...an actual fake headline.

...we have warned before about getting close to foreign phallic monuments, which drive Muslim men crazy, it appears.

...key word:  Sweden.

...to make sex also illegal in the Red Light district.

As for SHOWBIZ INSIGNIFICA:

 

  …whatever.

From the Dept. of Dubious Truth (sponsored by the New York Times):

...edited for reasons of space.

...okay, maybe that’s not quite accurate.

...but will only accept trannie women because inclusivity.

As for Leilani:

Skinny, but delectable nevertheless.