Category: Bad News

Today’s piss-poor news is sponsored by:

…gawd, I hope not.  As it is, they’re too much like Democrats for my liking.  (no link because paywall)

…key word:  “Pakistan”, but it could have been any of the Muslim garden spots, really.

…I would have thought that “machine guns” and “barbed wire” would work better than “cameras”, but then I’m just a simple man.

…and you can stop that raucous cheering and applause, you lot — because the fucking Austrian prosecutor wants to charge her for assault. 

Train Smash Watch:

…can’t be long now…

…wait for it… wait for it…

…OF COURSE SHE DOES.  Only an intersectional feminist could imagine that she could stop an international flight just because of ME ME ME ME ME !

Let’s look in on Covidiocy:

  

…good.  I hope they all catch it and die.

…I would normally be sympathetic, except that Levi Strauss is a bunch of gun-controlling assholes, so fuck ’em.

How about the Freedom Trail:

…just wait till the tar, feathers and ropes come out.

…LesboPM can’t imagine any resistance coming from her cowed Kiwi peasants.

…and when you’ve lost the Belgies… oh wait:

…as Castro’s love child goes full Stalin.

…[whimper] oh FFS, kill me me now.

And now, more INSIGNIFICA:

 

…and if you used the Hubble telescope focused to “infinity”, you still wouldn’t be able to find my interest in this story.

Lastly:

…Amanda who?  Nemmind:

And dat be Da Nooz… for now.

If you thought the news was bad before, wait till you see this stuff.

…this being Britishland, they can’t wave shotguns in the trespassers’ faces.

…

…yeah, and should he find these fuckers have been breaking the law and abusing their authority, I’m sure we’ll soon see prosecutions of both the miscreants and the politicians who told them to do it.  [/eyecross]

…

…under the reign of World Emperor Kim, instant coffee would be banned as a crime against humanity.  Also light beer.

From the annals of Covidiocy:

…an excellent example of corporate totalitarianism.

…I’m just wondering how our own shithead politicians managed to miss that one.

…this would be the time for Blue state governors to copy a Scandi country, seeing as they already have similar tax rates.

…fucking hell, if Goldie Hawn can figure it out… but having seen “mental health” in a headline, I have to go and down a shot of gin.

…should have tried Beethoven, but as they’re Kiwis, they’ve probably never heard of him.

And speaking of idiots:

…

…if I were the judge on this case, I’d give the little fucker a choice:  life in prison, with no Internet access or TV, ever;  OR be stoned to death by a group of volunteers .

…oh bloody hell, another “mental health” headline.  At this rate, I’ll be shitfaced by 10 o’clock.

“What about INSIGNIFICA, Kim?”

      

Finally, Brit TV presenter Holly Willoughboobies turns 41:

Here endeth the news.

The usual mix of crap and sublime… as you will see.  Let’s start with the sublime:

…oh yeah, baby.

…to the astonishment of precisely… nobody.

…and nobody will watch it.

Some in a cheering crowd called for her to
be raped. Many were women.
…key word:  India.

…the funeral for Irony will tale place at a time and place TBD.

…whereupon said conservative school board fires them all.  Hey, I can dream…

…although it may make the folks at the bank a trifle nervous when you go in to make a deposit.  And still on COVIDIOCY:

   

Next, some logic:

…good question, innit?  Rachel Weisz and Winona Ryder were unavailable for comment.

And here are INSIGNIFICA:

     

…and because

…here we go:

Here endeth the news.

News delivered with the maximum snark.

…and in what format, I wonder?

…oh, THAT kind of “meeting”.  Figures.

…oh Ah don’t thank so, Scooter.  Try this:

…LMAO.  Prolly Russians or White supremacists throwing all that money at them.

…LOL rock, meet hard place;  or, when faced with the consequences of stupid policy, change the terminology.

…big of them.  Totalitarian assholes.

…to match the one Georgetown already has for their faculty, no doubt.

…the Bradford cops having solved ALL other terrible crimes in their area.

…which will probably be as effective as all his other initiatives.  Can you spell “FAIL“, children?

And now comes the time for INSIGNIFICA:

  *    

And here’s someone few men would get a second job to escape from, under the same circumstances:

---

*may have been edited for space reasons

News so gloomy, you’re going to need (another) G&T.

…just wait till they try this in the men’s jail.

…in a couple of centuries’ time, they’ll probably pardon all those pedophile priests.

…never thought I’d call the time of syphilis and gonorrhea “the good old days”.

…and in the background, the shuttered nuclear power stations are chuckling.

…the ten million men similarly affected?  Fuck ’em, they should know better.

…and is promptly arrested for promoting animal abuse.

…

…or, the annual income from just two slot machines.

From the Dept. of Covidiocy:

   

…proving once again that Brits are undersexed.

…and this is bad news because the scumbag survived, even though shot six times by Our Hero.  Prolly used a Glock 9mm.

And now comes the INSIGNIFICA:

   

And speaking of women who could fake their orgasms and nobody would care:

 

And that’s today’s (and yesterday’s, and the day before’s, etc.) news.

News so horrible, you’ll need a barf bag.  Don’t believe me?

  and:  

…let the public floggings begin.

…at some point, people just get sick of petty-minded officialdom, don’t they?

…good for you, Mum.  If only there were another 100,000 like you…

…and quite rightly so.

…and I’ll take “Republican members of Congress” for $400, Alex.

From the Dept. of Covidiocy:

       

…I’m fine with that, but only if we substitute “college professors” for “anti-maskers”.

In other news:

 
…yeah, that’s going to work out well.  Still, better in Massachusetts than in Texas.

…why is this chubby little fuck not yet swinging from a rope for treason?  And speaking of which:

…unfortunately, it’s just his portrait.

And now, INSIGNIFICA:

 

Train Smash Update:

…and from the article:  

Finally, this (with sincere apologies):

…one has to wonder exactly how less-thin she was before.

Here’s an antidote to the above: