We’ve done the Mille Miglia before, so why not the Tour de France?
I know, the TdF is a bicycle race, but that’s an exercise for young men, fitness freaks and fools [some redundancy]. Also for soldiers of foreign extraction:
…but let’s not go there.
This time, we’re going to do the thing in cars.
Now annoyingly, the course changes every year (unlike the Mille Miglia) because it’s organized by Frenchmen, but let’s just go with the one below (don’t know the year, maybe 2008):
You’re going to start in Brest on the west coast, take a huge loop around the country, and then up to Paris for the finish. Assume the dotted lines will be roads.
Now the fun part: I’m going to divide it into three stages, and you must use a different car for each stage. And you can only use cars made in Europe (including the U.K.). Also, no GPS devices or software like Google Maps are allowed: paper maps only.
Stage 1 will be the road from Brest to Le Creusot. It’s largely flat, some rolling hills but nothing that a car of any vintage couldn’t handle. So: nothing made after 1960.
Stage 2 will be mountains, mountains and still more mountains, from Le Creusot along the Alps, thence above the Midi coast to the Pyrenees, ending in Mourenx near the Atlantic coastline. (I’ve done a tiny part of the lower stage along the Midi, and it’s both beautiful and taxing.) Speed, therefore, is not a premium, but roadholding most definitely is. As for the car: anything made between 1960 and 1990.
Stage 3 is from Mourenx to Paris — a flat-out dash over flat land along mostly straight roads which can be taken at any speed. When you get to Paris, you’ll have a celebratory dinner at one of Paris’s finest restaurants. The car: 1990 until today. (Indulge yourself, if you want, in a modern dream car, something that would look good as you show up at the George V or Ritz hotels.)
There are a couple of caveats: the TdF does not do highways or even wide roads. They are narrow, sometimes run through small towns (much like the MM), and the road signs can be baffling — sometimes, U-turns may be necessary. It’s an adventure, and more often than not, the shortest way is not necessarily the prettiest.
Finally, you’ll probably want a French companion, for translation etc. purposes. A different one for each stage, so as not to get sick of their nonsense.
I’ll start the ball rolling with my choices:
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