Category: Food & Drink

Old But Still Funny

Food & Drink, Funny Stuff

I remember reading this and crying with laughter, many years ago.  Enjoy.

“Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in… I was assured by the other two judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3.”

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 – MIKE’S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI

Judge # 1 — A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 — Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) — Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 – EL RANCHO’S AFTERBURNER CHILI

Judge # 1 — Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 — Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 — Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 – ALFREDO’S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

Judge # 1 — Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 — A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 — Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting red-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4=2 0- BUBBA’S BLACK MAGIC

Judge # 1 — Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 — Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 — I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. Woman is starting to look HOT… just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 – LISA’S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

Judge # 1 — Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 — Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 — My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

CHILI # 6 – VARGA’S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

Judge # 1 — Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 — The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 — My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 – SUSAN’S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

Judge # 1 — A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 — Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment (**I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.)
Judge # 3 — You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing. It’s too painful. I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 – BIG TOM’S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI

Judge # 1 — The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 — This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he’d have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 — No report.

For some reason, I’m really lusting after chili now.  I think I’ll make me some. #NoFuckingBeans

Attention Biltong-Lovers

Food & Drink

Here’s a decent little video about making a decent piece of biltong.  The spices and mixes are exactly the same as mine (see below), and the only areas where we differ are that I make much bigger pieces so that the inside is much wetter than his (New Wife likes her biltong very wet), and I don’t use hot chili flakes (New Wife doesn’t like very hot foods).

At the end, the guy exclaims that he can eat biltong all day, like that’s something unusual.  If I leave it lying out on the cutting board, New Wife and I can gobble a stick a day, so I have to hide the damn stuff so that we forget about it.

Just remember that when you eat biltong, the dried meat expands in your stomach back to its original size.  I ration myself to about 8-12 slices per day.  Back in my Army days, I could make a stick last a week, and not lose a pound of weight.

I’m going to make some tomorrow.  It’s been a week already since the last lot, and the natives are getting restless.

Ingredients, per 1lb of raw meat:

  • 8 tbsp red wine vinegar/brown apple cider vinegar
  • 1.5-2 tbsp coarse (kosher) salt
  • 2 tsp coarse ground black pepper
  • 2-3 tbsp whole coriander seeds

 

Lite, Shmite, Ultra-Shite – You All Suck

Corporate Wokism, Food & Drink

In the wake of Bud Light performing the impossible task of stepping on its own transgender wokedick comes this silliness:

Miller Lite is facing criticism for a weeks-old ad that pushed a feminist message.
…
“So here’s to women,” comedian Ilana Glazer says in the ad, which Miller Lite published in March for Women’s History Month. “Because without us there would be no beer.”

Without women, there pretty much wouldn’t be any need for beer, but let’s continue:

Glazer explains that women have made beer throughout history and the beer industry has not paid them enough credit. The ad criticizes beer advertisements that feature women in bikinis.

Errr nobody gives a rat’s ass about who actually makes beer — it could be made by Brazilian macaque monkeys, for that matter, and I suspect some actually might be — but showing women in bikinis is just the beer industry’s equivalent of a cosmetic company using some actress as their “face”, i.e. getting the attention of its core buyers.

But that just leads to my main point.

Regardless of who makes it and who drinks it, “light” or “lite” (i.e. diluted) beer is a totally shit product. 

We shouldn’t be boycotting Bud Light or Miller Lite or any of their cohort brands;  we should be boycotting diluted beer in toto.

When I say “we” I mean all existing male drinkers of this foul swill — I had one sip of Miller Lite back in 1985, and have never touched the shit (of any brand) since, so I can’t very well boycott something I never drink.

Still, I can’t deny that there’s a need for people to drink lots of hardly-alcoholic booze, so I have to reluctantly concede that there is a market for it.  Going back to my first experiences with light beer, I recall that anyone throwing a party always had to get some Lite in so that the girls could drink with the boys.

So while men have always bought light beer, it’s generally been for their womenfolk and not themselves:  men can consume and handle alcohol in quantity more easily than women — fact! — so why not?  Light beer, then, has always been aimed at women, but subtly:  showing bikini-clad women in those ads simply reminds the buyers — mostly men — not to forget the ladies when they plan their party.

Clearly, though, that’s just Not Appropriate anymore, and Men Are Pigs and Women Are Downtrodden and and and and, ad nauseam.

Is it time for a breakfast martini yet?  Oh, why the fuck not?  If there was any 6X anywhere around, I’d go for one of those, but there isn’t so I’ll just substitute.

Not a lite bone in its considerable body.

Judging from the Comments, I seem to have pissed in a few people’s light beer.  LOL

Disgusting Practice

Food & Drink

Here’s something guaranteed to stick in my craw, so to speak:

WHISKY is one of the world’s most popular spirits – but you might be making a big mistake when you drink it.

A boozy investigation into the beloved spirit revealed how to unlock the best flavor.

It’s all linked to the addition of water to whiskey, which is thought to “open up” its flavor – but don’t go past the 20% mark, because that can make whiskies taste the same.

Yeah, duh.  As any liquid approaches 99% water, it’s going to taste more like water.

I’m more upset with the concept of adding water to whisky.  It’s a disgusting habit, and best left to amateur drinkers.  (I know, I know, “unlocking the flavor”, like the taste in your mouth is somehow inadequate for the process.)

As any fule kno, the proper way to drink whisky (or even “whiskey”) is to drink it neat, with a glass of cold water on the side.

My only concession is — very occasionally — to add ice to the whisky (never to single malt, though) if I don’t want to get too quickly shitfaced.

Yeah, yeah, it’s all A Question Of Taste, and We’re All Different.

Allowing the addition of water to whisky is the thin end of the wedge, and leads eventually to filth like whisky & tonic and transgender acceptance.  You heard it here first.

Not A Problem

Food & Drink

Back when I lived in Johannesburg, I never lived anywhere that had air conditioning because, quite frankly, it wasn’t necessary — you’re hot, you open a window.  Maybe turn on a small fan if there’s no breeze, but there was always a breeze.

Because of that, I had to keep my butter in the fridge because otherwise it would spoil very quickly.

Now?  Forget it:  with a/c and a constant (cool) temperature, I always leave the butter out (covered, of course) because I hate tearing up my bread with stiff, cold butter.

Apparently, this is a thing.

WE have all been storing butter wrong – and we should make a very quick change to revamp our use of the dairy delight, according to one campaigner.

Joelle Mertzel is the leading the charge to change the way people treat their butter – insisting it should be kept out of the fridge. The 49-year-old says that butter does not have to be chilled – and can instead be kept happily on the counter for weeks on end. Joelle, a mum-of-three, from California, has even commissioned lab tests to prove her theory.
And she is campaigning to make the American government change their butter guidelines. 

Keyword:  guideline.

In other words:  who cares what the .dotgov “recommends”?  Remember when the Food Pyramid was their big deal?  And, as we all know, the pyramid has been proven to be totally fucked up, like oh-so many government “guidelines”.

Methinks the Californian woman has too much time on her hands if she’s bothering with this shit.

In passing, I should point out that in my house, no pound of butter has ever lasted longer than a few days before being consumed, so the whole issue is moot.

And now, if you’ll excuse me, I think I’ll make myself a sarnie.

New Devilment

Food & Drink

…I mean development. As though Twinkies were not bad enough, the Hostess Baking Company has launched Bouncers.

“Wait, Kim… you mean like bouncing boobies?”

No.  I mean mini-Twinkies presented in sealed three-packs, but glazed — as though regular Twinkies were not sufficiently enticing.  (They kinda do look like mini-boobies, though.)

Of course, this being a full-service blog, I had to test them (so that my Loyal Readers won’t have to).

Verdict:  more than two (their “suggested servicing size” is three) will leave you “OMG-I’m-gonna-hurl” nauseated.

I had six.  Because Science.