Category: Food & Drink

Disgusting Practice

Food & Drink

Here’s something guaranteed to stick in my craw, so to speak:

WHISKY is one of the world’s most popular spirits – but you might be making a big mistake when you drink it.

A boozy investigation into the beloved spirit revealed how to unlock the best flavor.

It’s all linked to the addition of water to whiskey, which is thought to “open up” its flavor – but don’t go past the 20% mark, because that can make whiskies taste the same.

Yeah, duh.  As any liquid approaches 99% water, it’s going to taste more like water.

I’m more upset with the concept of adding water to whisky.  It’s a disgusting habit, and best left to amateur drinkers.  (I know, I know, “unlocking the flavor”, like the taste in your mouth is somehow inadequate for the process.)

As any fule kno, the proper way to drink whisky (or even “whiskey”) is to drink it neat, with a glass of cold water on the side.

My only concession is — very occasionally — to add ice to the whisky (never to single malt, though) if I don’t want to get too quickly shitfaced.

Yeah, yeah, it’s all A Question Of Taste, and We’re All Different.

Allowing the addition of water to whisky is the thin end of the wedge, and leads eventually to filth like whisky & tonic and transgender acceptance.  You heard it here first.

Not A Problem

Food & Drink

Back when I lived in Johannesburg, I never lived anywhere that had air conditioning because, quite frankly, it wasn’t necessary — you’re hot, you open a window.  Maybe turn on a small fan if there’s no breeze, but there was always a breeze.

Because of that, I had to keep my butter in the fridge because otherwise it would spoil very quickly.

Now?  Forget it:  with a/c and a constant (cool) temperature, I always leave the butter out (covered, of course) because I hate tearing up my bread with stiff, cold butter.

Apparently, this is a thing.

WE have all been storing butter wrong – and we should make a very quick change to revamp our use of the dairy delight, according to one campaigner.

Joelle Mertzel is the leading the charge to change the way people treat their butter – insisting it should be kept out of the fridge. The 49-year-old says that butter does not have to be chilled – and can instead be kept happily on the counter for weeks on end. Joelle, a mum-of-three, from California, has even commissioned lab tests to prove her theory.
And she is campaigning to make the American government change their butter guidelines. 

Keyword:  guideline.

In other words:  who cares what the .dotgov “recommends”?  Remember when the Food Pyramid was their big deal?  And, as we all know, the pyramid has been proven to be totally fucked up, like oh-so many government “guidelines”.

Methinks the Californian woman has too much time on her hands if she’s bothering with this shit.

In passing, I should point out that in my house, no pound of butter has ever lasted longer than a few days before being consumed, so the whole issue is moot.

And now, if you’ll excuse me, I think I’ll make myself a sarnie.

New Devilment

Food & Drink

…I mean development. As though Twinkies were not bad enough, the Hostess Baking Company has launched Bouncers.

“Wait, Kim… you mean like bouncing boobies?”

No.  I mean mini-Twinkies presented in sealed three-packs, but glazed — as though regular Twinkies were not sufficiently enticing.  (They kinda do look like mini-boobies, though.)

Of course, this being a full-service blog, I had to test them (so that my Loyal Readers won’t have to).

Verdict:  more than two (their “suggested servicing size” is three) will leave you “OMG-I’m-gonna-hurl” nauseated.

I had six.  Because Science.

Food Break

Food & Drink

Reader Mike L. sends me disgusting stuff like this — ugh — which forces me down a branch line of thought, basically to help me get rid of the taste of vomit.

I spend a lot of time talking about how much I love Britishland foods (fish & chips, meat pies, sausage rolls etc.) but I have to say that I’ve also come to love me some Tex-Mex dishes, e.g.:

and:

And now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to the kitchen.

Gastro-what?

Culture, Food & Drink

I think the decline of Western civilization can said to have started in earnest when the word “gastropub” became an actual thing instead of a nonsensical word made up from the last tiles in a Scrabble game.

Now they’re even being ranked.  Fach.

Here’s what I want to see on a pub menu, in no specific order:

  • fish & chips
  • steak (+mushroom, +onion or +kidney, by choice) or chicken pies
  • toasted (“grilled”, in Murkin) cheese, chicken, bacon or steak sandwiches
  • chips / “fries” (in a basket)
  • eggs to order
  • mixed grill* (for the super-hungry)
  • cheese, chicken, steak, beef, bacon etc. on a fresh roll with condiments to taste
  • simple salad (for homosexualists, veganists and women — some overlap)
  • …can’t think of much else, really.

If you aren’t satisfied with anything from the above, you have no business being out of the house.

Best of all, this simple and honest menu is going to be cheap, instead of noisettes d’agneau au poivre  costing fifty bucks a portion.  Savings can thus be applied to the real business of a pub:  booze.

And if the pub’s “chef” (a contradiction in terms, surely?) gets oh-so bored preparing the same basic stuff every day and feels “unfulfilled”, he needs to quit, open up a “fine dining experience” in his own restaurant and go out of business in six months like all those other trendy establishments.

Just stay out of my damn pub.

*