Category: Friday Feature

In order of implausibility:

• “My little sister hid my backpack.”
• “The dog wouldn’t move away from lying in front of my dad’s car.”
• “It was the Russians.”
• “I had a panic attack because Donald Trump is President.”

…and the absolute worst reason for being late for school:

• “My gym teacher just wouldn’t let me get out of bed this morning.”

Your suggestions in Comments.

Ranked in order of foulness:

• peeing on the flag
• waving it at your new ex-wife as you walk out the courtroom
• as a prop in your “How To Make Sausage” class
• slapping a midget across the face
• impregnating Amy Schumer.

Your suggestions in Comments.

All in ascending order of frightfulness, as usual.

Told by men:

• “You won’t get pregnant; my family’s been sterile for generations.”
• “I’ll just put the tip in.”
• “…and forsaking all others…”
• “I’ll call you  next time I’m in town.”
• “She means nothing to me!”

Told by women:

• “Size isn’t important.”
• “I won’t try to change you after we get married.”
• “I don’t fake my orgasms.”
• “Bad boys don’t turn me on.”
• “I’d love you even if you weren’t rich.”

Your suggestions in Comments. Bonus points if you’ve actually uttered them, or had them told to you.