Category: Friday Feature

These are the authors who are lionized by the Terminally Pretentious Set, for whom “literary” (a.k.a. boring) writing is met with squeals of delight every time a new offering from the authors below is published. Ranked in ascending order of awfulness:

• Nicholas Sparks — essentially the same story, rewritten twenty times (and counting)
• Annie Proulx — hates her own character creations, and despises her readers as well
• Ayn Rand — okay philosopher, terrible writer who should have written textbooks, not fiction
• Thomas Pynchon — writes the most turgid, unreadable prose of any author in the modern era
• And special mention: Marcel Proust — wrote the most turgid, unreadable prose of any author before the arrival of Thomas Pynchon.

Your suggestions in Comments.

 

For the ladies:

• The Honorable Member:

 

• Best Presidential Candidate Evah:

 

• Emmy Winner:

 

• Speaker Of The House:

 

• Manchester pop concert souvenirs:

…and for the gentlemen:

• Serial Molester:

 

• Serial Molester (option 2):

 

• Director-Rapist:

 

• Girly-man Cyclist:

 

• Olympic Gold Medalist:

 

Your suggestions in Comments, as usual.

 

 

 

As always, ranked in ascending order of awfulness:

• Simon Cowell — there is a persistent school of thought that come The Glorious Day, this wanker should be executed for Crimes Against Music
• Russell Brand — un-funny comedian and socialist
• Piers Morgan
  
• Tony Blair — no explanation needed
• Jeremy Corbyn — current Labour Party leader (at Mr. Free Market’s insistence).

Your suggestions in Comments. I’m especially looking for input from my Brit Readers, here.

Ranked in ascending order of awfulness:

• .45 GAP — Glock’s answer to… what was the question again?
• any “Short Magnum” rifle cartridge — e.g. .300 WSM, .270 WSM, etc. They don’t do anything their longer predecessors can’t already do, their sharply-shouldered casings can cause feeding problems, and they were really just a sales gimmick like today’s new darling, the 6.5mm Creedmoor.
• FN 5.7x28mm — expensive and designed by modern-day Europeans, it’s basically a .22 Win Mag, just worse.
• .22 Hornet — while a good performer, it’s difficult to reload because of the tapered casing, and other .22 cartridges (e.g. the .223 and .222 Rem) perform as well or better.
• .25 ACP / 6.35mm Browning — as the saying goes, if you ever shoot someone with this little thing, and he finds out about it, you’re going to be in trouble.

Your suggestions on the topic in Comments.

Ranked in ascending order of awfulness, and all inexplicably popular:

• MacArthur’s Park — Richard Harris (most obscure and meaningless lyrics ever)
• All Out Of Love — Air Supply (actually, any AS ballad could be inserted here)
• Halleluya — Leonard Cohen (maudlin cheesy tearjerker)
• It Don’t Matter To Me — Bread (beta-male whining)
• Diary — Bread (the ultimate cuckold song)

No links; I refuse to be party to mass vomiting.

Your suggestions on the topic in Comments.

Ranked in ascending order of awfulness:

• Cops like it when you playfully wave a gun at them during a traffic stop
• If you don’t like the Republican candidate, vote for the Democrat as a protest
• The Second Amendment will protect you from arrest if you’re carrying a handgun in New Jersey
• Not all women are like that
• Swipe right — hey, you’re in Bangkok; what could possibly go wrong?

Your suggestions in Comments.