Category: Friday Feature

Ranked in ascending order of dreadfulness:

• “Heil Hitler!”
• “As the best man, let me start by apologizing to everyone that the groom didn’t show up for the ceremony today…”
• “Ladies and gentlemen, and those who’ve had the operation…”
• “Before I start my speech, let me first tell you the joke about the nigger, the Jewboy and the faggot…”
• “Tonight I want to explain how I lost the election to Donald Trump…”

Your own suggestions in Comments, as always.

…because we’ve already explored the five worst things to hear after sex:

• “Sorry, I guess my diarrhea hasn’t finished yet”
• “Can you go a little deeper?”
• “I think you’re making my genital warts bleed”
• “I wish I was anywhere else but here right now”
• “When I said you were tighter than a 10-year-old, that was supposed to be a compliment.”

Your suggestions in Comments. If they were actually said to you (e.g. the penultimate one, in my case), so much the better.

…and I don’t mean the actors playing them, I mean if the movie characters were actual people.

• Reverend Harry Powell (Robert Mitchum) in Night of The Hunter
• John Doe (Kevin Spacey) in Se7en
• DIana Christensen (Faye Dunaway) in Network
• Tony Manero (John Travolta) in Saturday Night Fever
• Any character ever played by Alan Alda.

I ignored all the bad guys in slasher movies, because I’ve never seen a slasher movie.

Your suggestions in Comments.

These are the authors who are lionized by the Terminally Pretentious Set, for whom “literary” (a.k.a. boring) writing is met with squeals of delight every time a new offering from the authors below is published. Ranked in ascending order of awfulness:

• Nicholas Sparks — essentially the same story, rewritten twenty times (and counting)
• Annie Proulx — hates her own character creations, and despises her readers as well
• Ayn Rand — okay philosopher, terrible writer who should have written textbooks, not fiction
• Thomas Pynchon — writes the most turgid, unreadable prose of any author in the modern era
• And special mention: Marcel Proust — wrote the most turgid, unreadable prose of any author before the arrival of Thomas Pynchon.

Your suggestions in Comments.

 

For the ladies:

• The Honorable Member:

 

• Best Presidential Candidate Evah:

 

• Emmy Winner:

 

• Speaker Of The House:

 

• Manchester pop concert souvenirs:

…and for the gentlemen:

• Serial Molester:

 

• Serial Molester (option 2):

 

• Director-Rapist:

 

• Girly-man Cyclist:

 

• Olympic Gold Medalist:

 

Your suggestions in Comments, as usual.

 

 

 

As always, ranked in ascending order of awfulness:

• Simon Cowell — there is a persistent school of thought that come The Glorious Day, this wanker should be executed for Crimes Against Music
• Russell Brand — un-funny comedian and socialist
• Piers Morgan
  
• Tony Blair — no explanation needed
• Jeremy Corbyn — current Labour Party leader (at Mr. Free Market’s insistence).

Your suggestions in Comments. I’m especially looking for input from my Brit Readers, here.