Category: The Worst

In ascending order of appalling:

• “Your Dad Is Actually Santa Claus” by  Ayn Rand
• “How To Drink Rum Eggnog Like A Grownup” by  Captain Morgan
• “Getting The Expensive Presents You Really  Want:  A Child’s Guide To Blackmail” by  Stormy Daniels
• “Santa Claus:  Just Another White Male Oppressor” by  Andrea Dworkin
• “Jesus Christ:  Jew Bastard” by  Ayotollah Khameini

Your nominations in Comments.

In ascending order of ugliness:

• “Hurry up and ask, Lakesha, ‘cos Santa’s gotta go pee.”
• “No, Olivia, I don’t have a hot dog in my pocket.”
• “Jimmy, could you just scootch up just a little further?  Oh, yes, yes, yessss…”
• “I’ll get you that bicycle, as long as you don’t tell your momma what Santa just did with his finger.”
• “No, Freddie, that’s not eggnog on Santa’s pants.”

Your suggestions in Comments.

(Note to my Lady Readers:  I accept no responsibility if you do any of the following.)

Ranked in ascending order of coldness:

• Arrange a “break-up dinner” at a restaurant, and split his head open with a cleaver when he starts whining and protesting
• Invite him over so that he arrives while you’re in bed with the New Guy (and bonus points if it’s his apartment that you’re sharing)
• Tell him you’ve finally decided to have a threesome, only it will be with Roger and Dave, and he’s not invited
• Send him a nude selfie from your hotel room in Jamaica, said selfie to include the equally-naked (and fully erect) Jamaican pool “boy” in the background
• Get your mother to give him the bad news. (Bonus points if she’s always hated him.)

Your suggestions in Comments.

In ascending order of ill-advisedness:

• “Only 120?  That’s disappointing;  my speedo was showing 135.”
• “If I give you a sip from my hip flask, will you let me off with a warning?”
• “I’ll have a hot dog with fries, and a vanilla shake… darlin’.”
• “Apparently, radar speed guns cause testicular cancer.  I fucking hope so.”
• “Here:  hold my gun while I look for my wallet.”

Your suggestions in Comments.

Everyone’s been there (don’t even think of denying it):  you’re making the beast-with-two-backs with your honey and unbidden, someone else pops into your mind.  Here are the five worst / most inappropriate of such, ranked as always in ascending order of foulness:

For the ladies:

• the Dalai Lama
• Alan Alda
• Woody Allen
• Bill or  Hillary Clinton (tie)
• Bruce Jenner

And for the guys:

• anyone from Jersey Shores (the TV show or  the place itself)
• Milo Yannopoulos
• your ten-year-old stepdaughter
• Maxine Waters
• Caitlyn Jenner

Your suggestions in Comments… when you’ve stopped throwing up, that is.