Category: Funny Stuff

Me Too

Freaks & Loonies

From the Knuckledragger:

Wow.  Only one load of .45 ACP from the Chip McCormick PowerMag in my 1911.  (Can’t see it taking more than one round each;  hell, the muzzle flash alone  would probably drop half of them.)  And assuming that I’d qualify as a “Nazi” to them, of course.

They’re going to have to do a lot  better than that…

Criminal Beliefs

Bad News, Freaks & Loonies

Oh, here’s a good one:

A couple who fed their daughter an extreme vegan diet have admitted causing her serious injury.
The mother and father, aged 32 and 34 respectively, who cannot be named for legal reasons fed the girl oats and rice milk.
The girl’s diet was so restricted that she developed rickets, a degenerative bone disease caused by malnourishment.
This diet resulted in severe deficiencies in nutrients across the board for the infant, including a lack of calcium, phosphate, vitamin B12, vitamin A, iron and zinc.
Her levels of vitamin D — which can cause bone disease if found to be too low — were ‘undetectable’.
The infant had fractures scattered throughout her tiny body and her bones were so brittle doctors believed they could have been broken by ‘normal handling’.
The treatment of the girl was only brought to the attention of doctors in March this year, when doctors attended to the infant after she suffered a seizure.
One doctor described her as ‘floppy’ and noted how the diminutive one-and-a-half year old didn’t crawl or talk during the month in care.

And here’s the best part:

The daughter and her two siblings have since been taken into foster care.

Under the reign of World-Emperor Kim, the parents would also receive daily floggings and an all-meat diet during their ten-year prison sentence.  And if these two fanatics were to starve themselves to death rather than eat that eeeevil meat, so much the better.

Fucking bullshit.

News Roundup

Funny Stuff

Stuff I noticed over the past week or so:

Rome is blanketed in putrid smoke and residents are told to stay indoors.  I’m surprised anyone noticed.

Nigella does post-Christmas recipes.  Amazingly, some of them look quite tasty (unlike her usual offerings, which make me gag).

Company figurehead caught beating up his pregnant girlfriend.  Australia:  ’nuff said.

The I.R.S. is being gutted by budget cuts.  Good.  All the more reason to eliminate the corporate- and income taxes and replace them with an end-user (national sales) tax.

Nearly one in five men fantasize about having sex with a robot.  If the feministicals continue with their nonsense, expect this number to increase.

And finally:

Artificial steak tastes 70% like the real thing, and will cost about $60.  Make them mandatory for vegans, and serve them right.  I, however, will just stick with something like this:  

And now, if you’ll excuse me…

“Dear Mr. President”

Funny Stuff, Lies and Untruths

Sorry to bug you again, O God-Emperor, but seeing as you turned me down for the post of U.N. Ambassador, something just occurred to me.

While the wonderful Sarah Huckabee Sanders has yet to resign from her job as White House Press Secretary, it may only be a question of time before some loony Socialist attacks her at a restaurant or something, and she quits.  Allow me therefore to offer, with the utmost humility, my services as a replacement for Mrs. Sanders should that doleful occasion arise.

My qualifications:

  • I hate the Press.  All of them.  Even Brit Hume makes my face twitch on occasion.  Considering that they all hate you, I think turnabout would be fair play.
  • CBS: Commie Broadcasting System;  NBC: Nothing But Commies;  ABC: All Bloody Commies;  CNN: Commie News Network;  MSNBC: Motherfucking Set of Nutballs, Bastards and Commies — ‘nuff said.
  • I have so much dirty laundry in my checkered past (none of which I care a rat’s ass about), the Jackals of the Press (JotP) will be too busy chasing down details of the famous Parking Lot Incident Of 1989 to worry about your latest dealings in Iraq/North Korea/Iran/the economy/global warming/[insert liberal Cause Of The Month here].
  • If a question is too tough to answer, or the answer would likely cause you embarrassment, I’ll just babble some nonsense in Afrikaans (hey, that approach worked for Margaret Tutwiler).
  • I’d actually like to conduct the Press briefings in Afrikaans, just so all the multi-culturalists can experience the result of their all-cultures-and-languages-are-equal nonsense.
  • I’m also a genuine African (unlike some Dolezals I could mention), so I can’t be accused of being racist when I state that the latest murderous Somalian kleptocrat dictator is “just another one of those African scumbags.”
  • Most hostile questions from the JotP would be answered with:  “I bet you wouldn’t be asking the same question if Hillary Clinton was President.”
  • I’m sick of reporters like Jim Acosta making political statements in the guise of a question, and I’ll bet you are too.  So I’ll use a stopwatch on each questioner, and if the question is longer than 5 seconds, I’ll interrupt them using a truck’s air horn and shout, “Next!”
  • All Acosta’s questions/rants would be met with a pitying chuckle and a shake of the head.  Just for giggles, I’ll first put a sombrero on my head before answering him in a terrible Mexican accent.
  • Come to think of it, if asked a question by any  furrin JotP, I’ll repeat their question back to them in a parody of their accent before answering.
  • In answer to most questions from furrin Press jackals, the statement would go: “Well, to start off with, we’re not going to do what your government would do…”
  • Post-briefing fistfights in the corridor would be a common occurrence.  We could sell tickets.
  • All references to NorKPres Kim Long Dong or whatever he calls himself will be prefaced with “That Commie rat…”, ditto Castro, Nancy Pelosi and that tool from Venezuela.
  • All questions about the Pore & Starvin will be answered with: “We’re going to make George Soros share a couple billion of his own dollars with them first to see what happens, before we throw taxpayer money at the problem.”
  • In fact, I could use that reply to all questions pertaining to economics or social policy, if you wish.
  • I’ll keep a Wrist Rocket on the podium, and every time some liberal JotP asks one of their loaded questions, I’ll shoot him in the gut with a ball bearing, and laugh out loud when he squeals like a little girl.  And seeing as they all want to be treated like men, female JotPs will get the same response (I’m not sexist).
  • Saturday Night Live will never be able to lampoon my Press briefings, because the reality will be funnier than anything those liberal New York assholes could ever dream up.
  • If you’re holding the briefing and get asked a tough question, you could always just say, “I’ll let Kim answer that question,” and then look puzzled as there’s a mad stampede for the exits.
  • I can say you’ve declared war on any country, and none of the JotP will believe me… until after the first ICBMs have detonated.
  • I won’t take any questions from a reporter whose organization has ever said anything nasty about your family members.  That should shorten the Press briefings considerably.
  • The horrible New York Times will stop sending reporters to my briefings, either because they’re sick of being mocked, or else because they’ll have run out of reporters to send.
  • When asked, “Are you actually carrying a gun under your jacket?” I’ll just smile enigmatically, and move on to the next question.
  • And to keep the JotP quiet on the topic of guns and gun control, I’ll add a weekly “Department of Righteous Shootings” item, and cackle like a maniac as I describe the dead goblin’s wounds in detail.
  • The Nielsen ratings for my White House Press briefings would make the most popular current TV sitcom look like a Dick Cavett Show rerun.
  • Finally, I won’t ever need any Secret service protection when I go out for dinner in Washington D.C.  Best you don’t ask why.

Mr. President, I hope that you will consider my qualifications favorably, and offer me the job should the occasion arise.  Let’s be realistic:  all those Fake News Press bastards hate you already, so my appointment can hardly make things worse for you (and they may even make things better).  But let’s also remember that as bad as your approval ratings are, most people hate the Press even more.  So why not capitalize on that hatred and have a good laugh for the remainder of your Presidency, as a bonus?

Besides, you have to admit that seeing a battered BBC or CNN reporter carried out the White House on a stretcher each week would be a definite morale-booster for your electoral base, to say nothing of your White House staff.

Sincerely,

Censors And Their Censoring Ways

Freaks & Loonies, Two-Minute Hate

Aaaaaargh FFS I’m just about to explode with rage over here.  Why?  Because the Language Police are out in force, trying to circumscribe my speech yet again, but this time from another direction.

It’s bad enough that I can’t say the words “snigger” or “blackball” without some fucking snowflake or race hustler getting triggered and calling me Worse Than Hitler — we’re all familiar with that form of PC regulation.

Guess who’s next?

Here’s the list of ‘helpful’ suggestions from PETA for teachers to use with their pupils instead of the current ‘harmful’ phrases. It recommends:

  • ‘Let the cat out of the bag’ is changed to ‘Spill the beans’
  • ‘Be a guinea pig’ to ‘Be the test tube’
  • ‘Hold your horses’ to ‘Hold the phone’
  • ‘Open a can of worms’ to ‘Open Pandora’s box’
  • ‘Bring home the bacon’ to ‘Bring home the bagels’
  • ‘Put all your eggs in one basket’ to ‘Put all your berries in one bowl’
  • ‘Kill two birds with one stone’ to ‘Feed two birds with one scone’
  • ‘Take the bull by the horns’ to ‘Take the flower by the thorns’
  • ‘Flog a dead horse’ to ‘Feed a fed horse’
  • ‘More than one way to skin a cat’ to More than one way to peel a potato’

Now the fucking vegans have to get involved in language?  Great Caesar’s bleeding hemorrhoids, isn’t there any  part of my life which can escape the censure of these bastard busybodies?

[deep breath]

I think the best thing I can do (apart from some activity involving an AK-47 and a few Molotov cocktails) is to offer up some suggestions which escaped the above list, but that we may use just to antagonize these pricks a little further:

  • Bleeding the lizard (male urination)
  • Choking the chicken (male masturbation)
  • Spearing the bearded clam (shagging)
  • Harpooning a whale (fucking a fat chick — a twofer, because body-shaming)
  • Bonking a buffalo (ditto)
  • Poking a panther (fucking a Black chick)
  • Tonguing the trout (cunnilingus)
  • Eating an eel (fellatio)
  • Playing with the puppies (fondling a woman’s breasts)
  • …and all the expressions involving the word “pussy”, e.g. pussyfooting.

If anyone has any other suggestions, go at it in Comments.  I’m too angry to think.

No I’m not:  I think I’ll go and roast me a leg of lamb for dinner.

Here’s the source:

In fact, this may be our best revenge on these gastronomic Puritans:  every time you read something about vegans that pisses you off, make yourself a meat dish for dinner.  Or go completely overboard at lunchtime:

*I should point out that “Open Pandora’s box”  is probably offensive to some feministicals because of its quasi-sexual connotation, but I’ll let them fight it out with the vegans, preferably with nuclear weapons so we can have a little mutually-assured destruction.

Okay, that thought put a smile back on my face.