Category: Funny Stuff

“Dear Mr. President”

Funny Stuff, Lies and Untruths

Sorry to bug you again, O God-Emperor, but seeing as you turned me down for the post of U.N. Ambassador, something just occurred to me.

While the wonderful Sarah Huckabee Sanders has yet to resign from her job as White House Press Secretary, it may only be a question of time before some loony Socialist attacks her at a restaurant or something, and she quits.  Allow me therefore to offer, with the utmost humility, my services as a replacement for Mrs. Sanders should that doleful occasion arise.

My qualifications:

  • I hate the Press.  All of them.  Even Brit Hume makes my face twitch on occasion.  Considering that they all hate you, I think turnabout would be fair play.
  • CBS: Commie Broadcasting System;  NBC: Nothing But Commies;  ABC: All Bloody Commies;  CNN: Commie News Network;  MSNBC: Motherfucking Set of Nutballs, Bastards and Commies — ‘nuff said.
  • I have so much dirty laundry in my checkered past (none of which I care a rat’s ass about), the Jackals of the Press (JotP) will be too busy chasing down details of the famous Parking Lot Incident Of 1989 to worry about your latest dealings in Iraq/North Korea/Iran/the economy/global warming/[insert liberal Cause Of The Month here].
  • If a question is too tough to answer, or the answer would likely cause you embarrassment, I’ll just babble some nonsense in Afrikaans (hey, that approach worked for Margaret Tutwiler).
  • I’d actually like to conduct the Press briefings in Afrikaans, just so all the multi-culturalists can experience the result of their all-cultures-and-languages-are-equal nonsense.
  • I’m also a genuine African (unlike some Dolezals I could mention), so I can’t be accused of being racist when I state that the latest murderous Somalian kleptocrat dictator is “just another one of those African scumbags.”
  • Most hostile questions from the JotP would be answered with:  “I bet you wouldn’t be asking the same question if Hillary Clinton was President.”
  • I’m sick of reporters like Jim Acosta making political statements in the guise of a question, and I’ll bet you are too.  So I’ll use a stopwatch on each questioner, and if the question is longer than 5 seconds, I’ll interrupt them using a truck’s air horn and shout, “Next!”
  • All Acosta’s questions/rants would be met with a pitying chuckle and a shake of the head.  Just for giggles, I’ll first put a sombrero on my head before answering him in a terrible Mexican accent.
  • Come to think of it, if asked a question by any  furrin JotP, I’ll repeat their question back to them in a parody of their accent before answering.
  • In answer to most questions from furrin Press jackals, the statement would go: “Well, to start off with, we’re not going to do what your government would do…”
  • Post-briefing fistfights in the corridor would be a common occurrence.  We could sell tickets.
  • All references to NorKPres Kim Long Dong or whatever he calls himself will be prefaced with “That Commie rat…”, ditto Castro, Nancy Pelosi and that tool from Venezuela.
  • All questions about the Pore & Starvin will be answered with: “We’re going to make George Soros share a couple billion of his own dollars with them first to see what happens, before we throw taxpayer money at the problem.”
  • In fact, I could use that reply to all questions pertaining to economics or social policy, if you wish.
  • I’ll keep a Wrist Rocket on the podium, and every time some liberal JotP asks one of their loaded questions, I’ll shoot him in the gut with a ball bearing, and laugh out loud when he squeals like a little girl.  And seeing as they all want to be treated like men, female JotPs will get the same response (I’m not sexist).
  • Saturday Night Live will never be able to lampoon my Press briefings, because the reality will be funnier than anything those liberal New York assholes could ever dream up.
  • If you’re holding the briefing and get asked a tough question, you could always just say, “I’ll let Kim answer that question,” and then look puzzled as there’s a mad stampede for the exits.
  • I can say you’ve declared war on any country, and none of the JotP will believe me… until after the first ICBMs have detonated.
  • I won’t take any questions from a reporter whose organization has ever said anything nasty about your family members.  That should shorten the Press briefings considerably.
  • The horrible New York Times will stop sending reporters to my briefings, either because they’re sick of being mocked, or else because they’ll have run out of reporters to send.
  • When asked, “Are you actually carrying a gun under your jacket?” I’ll just smile enigmatically, and move on to the next question.
  • And to keep the JotP quiet on the topic of guns and gun control, I’ll add a weekly “Department of Righteous Shootings” item, and cackle like a maniac as I describe the dead goblin’s wounds in detail.
  • The Nielsen ratings for my White House Press briefings would make the most popular current TV sitcom look like a Dick Cavett Show rerun.
  • Finally, I won’t ever need any Secret service protection when I go out for dinner in Washington D.C.  Best you don’t ask why.

Mr. President, I hope that you will consider my qualifications favorably, and offer me the job should the occasion arise.  Let’s be realistic:  all those Fake News Press bastards hate you already, so my appointment can hardly make things worse for you (and they may even make things better).  But let’s also remember that as bad as your approval ratings are, most people hate the Press even more.  So why not capitalize on that hatred and have a good laugh for the remainder of your Presidency, as a bonus?

Besides, you have to admit that seeing a battered BBC or CNN reporter carried out the White House on a stretcher each week would be a definite morale-booster for your electoral base, to say nothing of your White House staff.

Sincerely,

Censors And Their Censoring Ways

Freaks & Loonies, Two-Minute Hate

Aaaaaargh FFS I’m just about to explode with rage over here.  Why?  Because the Language Police are out in force, trying to circumscribe my speech yet again, but this time from another direction.

It’s bad enough that I can’t say the words “snigger” or “blackball” without some fucking snowflake or race hustler getting triggered and calling me Worse Than Hitler — we’re all familiar with that form of PC regulation.

Guess who’s next?

Here’s the list of ‘helpful’ suggestions from PETA for teachers to use with their pupils instead of the current ‘harmful’ phrases. It recommends:

  • ‘Let the cat out of the bag’ is changed to ‘Spill the beans’
  • ‘Be a guinea pig’ to ‘Be the test tube’
  • ‘Hold your horses’ to ‘Hold the phone’
  • ‘Open a can of worms’ to ‘Open Pandora’s box’
  • ‘Bring home the bacon’ to ‘Bring home the bagels’
  • ‘Put all your eggs in one basket’ to ‘Put all your berries in one bowl’
  • ‘Kill two birds with one stone’ to ‘Feed two birds with one scone’
  • ‘Take the bull by the horns’ to ‘Take the flower by the thorns’
  • ‘Flog a dead horse’ to ‘Feed a fed horse’
  • ‘More than one way to skin a cat’ to More than one way to peel a potato’

Now the fucking vegans have to get involved in language?  Great Caesar’s bleeding hemorrhoids, isn’t there any  part of my life which can escape the censure of these bastard busybodies?

[deep breath]

I think the best thing I can do (apart from some activity involving an AK-47 and a few Molotov cocktails) is to offer up some suggestions which escaped the above list, but that we may use just to antagonize these pricks a little further:

  • Bleeding the lizard (male urination)
  • Choking the chicken (male masturbation)
  • Spearing the bearded clam (shagging)
  • Harpooning a whale (fucking a fat chick — a twofer, because body-shaming)
  • Bonking a buffalo (ditto)
  • Poking a panther (fucking a Black chick)
  • Tonguing the trout (cunnilingus)
  • Eating an eel (fellatio)
  • Playing with the puppies (fondling a woman’s breasts)
  • …and all the expressions involving the word “pussy”, e.g. pussyfooting.

If anyone has any other suggestions, go at it in Comments.  I’m too angry to think.

No I’m not:  I think I’ll go and roast me a leg of lamb for dinner.

Here’s the source:

In fact, this may be our best revenge on these gastronomic Puritans:  every time you read something about vegans that pisses you off, make yourself a meat dish for dinner.  Or go completely overboard at lunchtime:

*I should point out that “Open Pandora’s box”  is probably offensive to some feministicals because of its quasi-sexual connotation, but I’ll let them fight it out with the vegans, preferably with nuclear weapons so we can have a little mutually-assured destruction.

Okay, that thought put a smile back on my face.

French Revolution

Behind Enemy Lines, Mocking Furriners

As Mr. Free Market puts it, “The French have always been revolting, dear boy”, but this latest round of mayhem is outstanding, even for the French.

Violence has erupted again in Paris today as masked protesters stole an assault rifle from police, clashed with riot squads and set fire to cars and Christmas trees on the Champs-Elysées in furious demonstrations against the French government.
Riot police sprayed tear gas, fired water cannon and stun grenades and pulled out their batons to fight back against ‘Yellow Vest’ protesters who occupied the famous boulevard and graffitied the Arc de Triomphe.
Police said 80 people had been injured in clashes, including 16 security officers, and 183 people arrested as more than 5,000 demonstrators brought chaos to Paris for the second week running.
Masked and hooded protesters hurled crowd barriers at police in Paris and this evening stole an assault rifle from a police car in the city centre.
Meanwhile there were further rallies spiralling across the country, spreading to Marseilles, Biarritz and Antibes on the Mediterranean coast and even into the Netherlands.
The protests, named ‘Yellow Vest’ after drivers’ high-vis jackets, began last month amid fury over rising fuel prices but have mushroomed into an all-out challenge to Emmanuel Macron’s presidency.

Of course, they being French, there’s a certain element of style to the thing, even when burning the place down:

However, as my old buddy Erik at No Paseran! puts it, it’s more than just higher fuel prices which have got the Frogs miffed:

It is not wrong to say that the demonstrations were caused by the government’s decision to raise gas prices. What is missing is that this is just one of several draconian measures dating back half a year, i.e., ‘tis the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back.
For the past four to five months, the French government has done nothing but double down on bringing more and more gratuitous oppression and more and more unwarranted persecution measures down on the necks of the nation’s drivers and motorcycle riders.

Read the rest of it, because it’s quite obvious, when you follow the whole sequence of incremental governmental bastardy, just whence the burning anger came and why the French riots, unlike those pitiful pantomimes performed by our own Pantifa snowflakes, are so well supported by the French people en masse.

Good for them, I say.  Now, if I may be a little old-fashioned for a moment, let’s hope that the next scenes will show Frog politicians being carried in tumbrels to the waiting guillotines.

The Frogs always overdo things;  it’s one of their most endearing traits.

Unintentionally Funny

Funny Stuff

This idiot cartoonist was trying to make a point about how White men are bad, or hateful or something — only it kinda had the opposite effect, judging from popular reaction:

I’m trying to find what’s so bad about all that… can’t.  He did omit “socialists” from the “NO” column, but he probably caught a good few of ’em anyway with the others.

Or am I missing something?

“Dear Mr. President”

Funny Stuff, Mocking Furriners

I have applied for a position in your Administration once before, and while I never did get the job, I’d like to think that my letter received at least more than a cursory glance.

With the resignation of U.N. Ambassador Nikki Haley, a chance to serve your Administration has once again come up.  Allow me to offer the reasons why I would make a good choice for this important post.

  • I was born in Africa, have a girl’s first name and a French last one.  I therefore fill about three or four quotas, and all the above make it impossible for other diplomats to insult me without laying themselves open to all sorts of charges of insensitivity.
  • I was once imprisoned (albeit briefly) for my opposition to the apartheid government of South Africa, so I can call any African president a “thieving klepto-murderer” anytime I want without fear of censure.
  • Every time some shithole Third World country starts a speech asking for aid, I’ll take off my headphones and start playing cards with the UK ambassador.
  • All countries and cities will be referred to by their names circa 1935:  Burma, Southern Rhodesia, Bombay, Tangyanika, Tsingtao, Borneo, etc.
  • All Communist countries will be referred to as “those Commie rats from…”
  • Any hostile speech by the German ambassador will be answered with the words, “Unlike Germany did during the early 1940s…”
  • Every time I want to say something really scathing or disrespectful, I’ll switch to Afrikaans so that the interpreter can’t figure it out.
  • Veto every single measure brought up in the Security Council by Russia or China.  (What the hell, they do it to us.)
  • All calls for universal gun control will be greeted with scornful laughter, followed by:  “Tell you what:  you disarm your police forces and armed forces first, and then we’ll start talking.  And by the way:  that stupid statue* out front?  It’s gone, and been melted down to make the AK-47s which we’ll be sending to the villagers in Africa who are being attacked by Muslim extremists.”
  • Yes, I will be carrying a concealed handgun in the U.N. building, under diplomatic privilege and immunity.  Ditto when I leave the building and stroll around New York City or Washington D.C.
  • Every time an Arab / Muslim nation makes a speech, my response will start with the words:  “As our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ once said…”
  • In my maiden speech to the UN, I’ll issue a statement that every time any country issues a speech critical of the United States, their U.S. foreign aid will be permanently reduced by $10 million.
  • Have statues of Ronald Reagan and Margaret Thatcher erected in the U.N. building’s lobby.
  • Issue all U.S. diplomatic staff at the U.N. with Tasers and pepper spray, and instructions to use them at will.
  • Speeches addressed to the Usual Suspects will begin: “When your country has paid all their parking tickets and other traffic fines, we’ll consider your proposal.  Otherwise, forget about it.”
  • Refer to the People’s Republic of North Korea (or whatever they call themselves) as “that nest of crazy-ass Commies”.
  • Wear camo fatigues to important Security Council meetings.
  • Have grits and gravy added to the U.N. cafeteria menu.
  • Every time some African nation starts talking about “human rights”, I’ll laugh like hell, then take off my translation headphones and plug in my iPod.  Ditto Russia, China and most Third World countries.
  • Interrupt all the French ambassador’s speeches with the words: “Never mind all that.  Just tell us when you want to surrender.”

And as for my confirmation hearings in the Senate:

  • Any question put to me by Democrat senators will be answered with: “Did your masters in Moscow or Peking tell you to ask me that?”
  • Most hostile questions will be met with an incredulous look, followed by:  “I’ll bet your constituents are really proud of you right now.”
  • At least 90% of my responses will start with the words: “As Ronald Reagan used to say…”
  • Any comments from a Democrat senator about my lack of diplomatic experience will be met with: “Well, you talk about climate stuff, economics and morality, don’t you?”
  • If asked what my qualifications for the job are, I’ll answer:  “I don’t trust foreigners.  Any of them.”
  • When told that my manner might be too abrasive for a diplomatic post, my response will be:  “Oh, sure.  Talking nicely to your old Soviet buddies worked so well, didn’t it?”
  • The Nielsen ratings for my confirmation hearings will beat Desperate Housewives of Orange County (or whatever that crap show is called).
  • When asked how I’ll help formulate U.S. policy in the U.N., my response will be:  “Simple.  I’ll just imagine what Barack Hussein Obama would say or do, then say or do the precise opposite.”

Mr. President, let’s be honest: appointing me as the U.S ambassador will send a message that we consider the U.N. to be completely irrelevant (which you and I both know they are).  Now is the time to make a gesture that is so dismissive of the stupid U.N. that your legacy will forever include the words: “At least he appointed two people who whipped the United Nations into line.”

Sincerely,

 

 

* 

No Shit, She-Lock

Grooming, Mocking Furriners, Modernism

You have to be utterly self-absorbed and narcissistic to post something like this:

Apparently some things are too much, even for the French, and I can see why.  Fucking hell, I’ve seen more demure clothing on the midnight shift during Fleet Week.  From now on, every new edition of the dictionary will feature this woman’s picture under “Trashy”, and rightly so.

And of course, every bloody barracks-room lawyer is going to whine that the Louvre’s rules (note the capitalization, idiot) technically allow any outfits, even one like hers inside the building.  Yeah, fine, and I’m quite aware that the museum isn’t a church too.

But:  let’s hear it for the Louvre guard who didn’t want the priceless works of art inside his building sullied by this whore I mean “influencer”.  (Oh yeah, she has X thousand “followers” and groupies, so that excuses everything.  Not.)

Of course, she is Australian so it’s understandable that she would have no class, manners or sense of decorum, but that just makes me all the more satisfied that someone would actually step up and say, “Non!”

There should be more of that.  A lot more.