Category: Funny Stuff

Unintentionally Funny

Funny Stuff

This idiot cartoonist was trying to make a point about how White men are bad, or hateful or something — only it kinda had the opposite effect, judging from popular reaction:

I’m trying to find what’s so bad about all that… can’t.  He did omit “socialists” from the “NO” column, but he probably caught a good few of ’em anyway with the others.

Or am I missing something?

“Dear Mr. President”

Funny Stuff, Mocking Furriners

I have applied for a position in your Administration once before, and while I never did get the job, I’d like to think that my letter received at least more than a cursory glance.

With the resignation of U.N. Ambassador Nikki Haley, a chance to serve your Administration has once again come up.  Allow me to offer the reasons why I would make a good choice for this important post.

  • I was born in Africa, have a girl’s first name and a French last one.  I therefore fill about three or four quotas, and all the above make it impossible for other diplomats to insult me without laying themselves open to all sorts of charges of insensitivity.
  • I was once imprisoned (albeit briefly) for my opposition to the apartheid government of South Africa, so I can call any African president a “thieving klepto-murderer” anytime I want without fear of censure.
  • Every time some shithole Third World country starts a speech asking for aid, I’ll take off my headphones and start playing cards with the UK ambassador.
  • All countries and cities will be referred to by their names circa 1935:  Burma, Southern Rhodesia, Bombay, Tangyanika, Tsingtao, Borneo, etc.
  • All Communist countries will be referred to as “those Commie rats from…”
  • Any hostile speech by the German ambassador will be answered with the words, “Unlike Germany did during the early 1940s…”
  • Every time I want to say something really scathing or disrespectful, I’ll switch to Afrikaans so that the interpreter can’t figure it out.
  • Veto every single measure brought up in the Security Council by Russia or China.  (What the hell, they do it to us.)
  • All calls for universal gun control will be greeted with scornful laughter, followed by:  “Tell you what:  you disarm your police forces and armed forces first, and then we’ll start talking.  And by the way:  that stupid statue* out front?  It’s gone, and been melted down to make the AK-47s which we’ll be sending to the villagers in Africa who are being attacked by Muslim extremists.”
  • Yes, I will be carrying a concealed handgun in the U.N. building, under diplomatic privilege and immunity.  Ditto when I leave the building and stroll around New York City or Washington D.C.
  • Every time an Arab / Muslim nation makes a speech, my response will start with the words:  “As our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ once said…”
  • In my maiden speech to the UN, I’ll issue a statement that every time any country issues a speech critical of the United States, their U.S. foreign aid will be permanently reduced by $10 million.
  • Have statues of Ronald Reagan and Margaret Thatcher erected in the U.N. building’s lobby.
  • Issue all U.S. diplomatic staff at the U.N. with Tasers and pepper spray, and instructions to use them at will.
  • Speeches addressed to the Usual Suspects will begin: “When your country has paid all their parking tickets and other traffic fines, we’ll consider your proposal.  Otherwise, forget about it.”
  • Refer to the People’s Republic of North Korea (or whatever they call themselves) as “that nest of crazy-ass Commies”.
  • Wear camo fatigues to important Security Council meetings.
  • Have grits and gravy added to the U.N. cafeteria menu.
  • Every time some African nation starts talking about “human rights”, I’ll laugh like hell, then take off my translation headphones and plug in my iPod.  Ditto Russia, China and most Third World countries.
  • Interrupt all the French ambassador’s speeches with the words: “Never mind all that.  Just tell us when you want to surrender.”

And as for my confirmation hearings in the Senate:

  • Any question put to me by Democrat senators will be answered with: “Did your masters in Moscow or Peking tell you to ask me that?”
  • Most hostile questions will be met with an incredulous look, followed by:  “I’ll bet your constituents are really proud of you right now.”
  • At least 90% of my responses will start with the words: “As Ronald Reagan used to say…”
  • Any comments from a Democrat senator about my lack of diplomatic experience will be met with: “Well, you talk about climate stuff, economics and morality, don’t you?”
  • If asked what my qualifications for the job are, I’ll answer:  “I don’t trust foreigners.  Any of them.”
  • When told that my manner might be too abrasive for a diplomatic post, my response will be:  “Oh, sure.  Talking nicely to your old Soviet buddies worked so well, didn’t it?”
  • The Nielsen ratings for my confirmation hearings will beat Desperate Housewives of Orange County (or whatever that crap show is called).
  • When asked how I’ll help formulate U.S. policy in the U.N., my response will be:  “Simple.  I’ll just imagine what Barack Hussein Obama would say or do, then say or do the precise opposite.”

Mr. President, let’s be honest: appointing me as the U.S ambassador will send a message that we consider the U.N. to be completely irrelevant (which you and I both know they are).  Now is the time to make a gesture that is so dismissive of the stupid U.N. that your legacy will forever include the words: “At least he appointed two people who whipped the United Nations into line.”

Sincerely,

 

 

* 

No Shit, She-Lock

Grooming, Mocking Furriners, Modernism

You have to be utterly self-absorbed and narcissistic to post something like this:

Apparently some things are too much, even for the French, and I can see why.  Fucking hell, I’ve seen more demure clothing on the midnight shift during Fleet Week.  From now on, every new edition of the dictionary will feature this woman’s picture under “Trashy”, and rightly so.

And of course, every bloody barracks-room lawyer is going to whine that the Louvre’s rules (note the capitalization, idiot) technically allow any outfits, even one like hers inside the building.  Yeah, fine, and I’m quite aware that the museum isn’t a church too.

But:  let’s hear it for the Louvre guard who didn’t want the priceless works of art inside his building sullied by this whore I mean “influencer”.  (Oh yeah, she has X thousand “followers” and groupies, so that excuses everything.  Not.)

Of course, she is Australian so it’s understandable that she would have no class, manners or sense of decorum, but that just makes me all the more satisfied that someone would actually step up and say, “Non!”

There should be more of that.  A lot more.

Change, Or Else

Freaks & Loonies

If vegans were just content with living their own lives, following their peculiar little diet and getting on with it, I probably wouldn’t be ranting about them.

But no.

Vegans plan new wave of protests against meat industry as they target takeaways, butchers and abattoirs in bid do persuade consumers to turn their back on animal products.
“Veganism has been around a long time,” Phoebe Frampton, who founded the Earthlings movement in 2013, told The Sunday Times. “It used to be a dietary and health issue but modern vegans see it as being about animal rights and animal liberation.”
The Earthlings protests are peaceful, with masked campaigners standing in circles holding laptops screening “horrific” films of abattoirs to spark public interest.
However, critics see their beliefs as extreme with modern veganism goes far beyond giving up meat, fish and dairy. It also means giving up honey, silk, leather shoes and even beeswax furniture polish.
Direct Action Everywhere (DxE), founded in the US in 2013, now has five “chapters” in Britain. One of them invaded a branch of Tesco in Brighton last month, with 30 protesters staging a “silent protest” in the meat aisle.
Some farmers dispute the claims of non-violence. John Wood, a Dorset farmer, set up the Facebook Meat & Greet site to promote lamb and beef, but says he was targeted by “frightening” militants.
“We have had animal liberationists turning up at our home and shouting abuse. Most of these people may be bunny-huggers, but some are dangerous,” he said.

So shoot a few, if you feel your life is being threatened.  Oh wait… I forgot that this is in Britain, where you’ll get a prison sentence if you so much as look angrily at someone threatening your life.  And good grief:  if some oaf is shouting abuse at you, use an air horn on them at close range.

As for the Murkin DxE:  try staging a silent protest in my local butchery while I’m buying my weekly supply of steak, boerewors and lamb, and your protest won’t stay “silent” for long*.  That’s a promise.

I am so sick of smug assholes trying to tell me how to live my own life.

*Note to self:  remember to take the sjambok with you to the butchery in future.

And yes: it’s made from the skin of a dead hippo.  Why do you ask?

And You Thought We Were Exaggerating

Food & Drink, Freaks & Loonies, Funny Stuff

Here’s a Vegan-Goes Crazy story from… Italy?

A 48-year-old Italian vegan has been ordered to pay her mother compensation after threatening to kill her for making traditional Bolognese meat sauce.
The smell of one of Italy’s most cherished dishes — ragù — was enough to set off a domestic disturbance that ended with the mother being threatened with a kitchen knife, a court heard.
Newly unemployed, the daughter had recently moved back in with her mother, who cooked in the typical tradition of rezdore, as housewives are called in the local Emilia Romagna dialect.
One of the signature dishes of every rezdore is Bolognese meat sauce, slow simmered for hours using a variety of meats including diced prosciutto cured ham, ground beef and sometimes chicken livers, then served over pasta or polenta.
Lawyers for the mother, who asked not to be named, said the family dynamic had degenerated due to irreconcilable conflicts over the mother and daughter’s different food cultures — the former heavy in butter, cream and meat, the latter exempt of all animal products.
The daughter told a court she’d long had “no sensory nor olfactory contact” with animal products before moving back in with her mother, for whom the rich, red meat sauce was standard fare.
Lawyers said there had been an escalation of aggressive episodes – always over food — before the threat that triggered the complaint.
Exasperated by the smell of meat sauce simmering for hours in the small apartment they shared, the daughter grabbed a knife and threatened to take matters into her own hands.
“If you won’t stop on your own then I’ll make you stop. Quit making ragù, or I’ll stab you in the stomach,” she said, according to the mum’s civil complaint.
Justice of Peace Nadia Trifilò sentenced the woman to pay a €400 court fine and ordered €500 be paid in compensation to her 69-year-old mother.
The case, argued in the Modena tribunal and reported by the local Gazzetta di Modena newspaper, stems from an argument that escalated out of control in March, 2016.
After failing to reach a peaceful mediation of the dispute over the last two years, the judge closed the case ruling in favour of the mother, ordering fines.

And this happened originally in 2016?  It’s just like Bill Sitwell and I said:  they’re getting out of control.

By the way, am I the only one who started to salivate at the description of that Bolognese sauce?