So on we go:
And just for the hell of it, a blast from the past:
Category: Funny Stuff
3 Unnecessary Driving Skills
…in these here modern times:
- Driving a manual transmission. I’m not saying that the near-disappearance of the stick shift is a good thing — anything but — but it seems that most automobile owners today are quite comfortable with being steerers rather than drivers.
- Parallel parking. Other than in city streets, almost all parking spots are adjacent and not parallel. I don’t remember in which state this happened (Pennsyvania?), but a woman sued the state’s driver’s code which mandated parallel parking proficiency, saying (quite rightly) that her inability to parallel park was a burden on nobody but herself, and any inconvenience suffered because she would have to drive around looking for non-parallel parking would be hers alone. The judge agreed, and the rule was set aside. I don’t know whether that’s spread to other states.
- Reversing ability. It seems that almost every car these days comes equipped with some kind of rearview camera and a warning system which beeps when you’re about to reverse into something. I have to say that this modern geegaw is one that I heartily approve of, especially for Old Pharttes like myself for whom turning around in the seat is no longer the simple task that it once was. (My 2013 VW Tiguan doesn’t have such a thing, and I wish it did.)
Feel free to add your ideas of other unnecessary driving skills, in Comments.
A Christmas Story
Longtime Friend&Reader Dave L. shares this tale from his youth:
I left Uncle Sam’s Navy in July of 1974. The economy was a little shaky back in those days and I was struggling to find bean and beer money. I picked up a part time gig in a local photo store. We sold some fairly high end new and used hardware – Nikons, Leicas etc and did the usual photo processing back in the days before digital photography. I might share some of those stories with you but that’s for another time. The point of today’s note is to talk about the music that played in the store.
Our Jewish boss wanted to create a “festive” Christmas atmosphere and he played a continuous loop of holiday music over the PA system. Unfortunately, his play list was only about 45 minutes long so we got to hear the same songs about 8 to 10 times during the course of a work day. You know me as a person of faith and I really love Christmas and the music associated with the holiday, but my love and patience were sorely tested by hearing “The Little Drummer Boy” ten times a day six days a week. If I hadn’t needed the money I would have run screaming out of the shop at chorus number eight or nine of “Pa rum pum pum pum”.
Even today, almost fifty years later, hearing the Little Drummer Boy will make me sweat and shout out “D-Day. Normandy. June Sixth. Eisenhower!”
Wait: Eisenhower?
[exit, giggling helpessly]
“Dear Dr. Kim”
“Dear Dr. Kim,
“My wife, 64, is a kind woman but never enjoyed sex. To her, it was an unpleasant task, necessary for procreating. Once our children — now 34 and 32 — had been born, our sex life disappeared to nothing.
“I love my wife, and we get along as friends, so I accepted this as my lot in life. But I missed intimacy and feeling loved, the warmth of a woman’s body against mine.
“Then I met a much younger woman (31) at a work conference. At first, I couldn’t believe a beautiful young woman would be interested in an old man like me (I’m 64), and we began a passionate affair.
“The love-making is so incredible that I’m desperate to leave home and marry my lover — but I’m old enough to be her father. Despite being 30 years my junior, she has taught me so much about sex — positions I’d never imagined trying, using sex toys and talking dirty. These are things my wife wouldn’t have dreamed of doing and I can’t get enough of it.
“We have been sleeping together for almost a year. After three decades without a sex life, I am finally feeling fulfilled.
“I thought she was scamming me or using me for money. But she said she found my intellect a huge turn-on.
“I am sure my wife suspects that I am having an affair but I don’t think she cares.
“Would it be wrong of me to leave her and seek some happiness with my lover?”
— Drowning In Sex
Dear Drowning,
Yes, it would, and here’s why.
From what I can see, what’s holding you and Miss Hotty Totty together is lust and (in her case) being with someone more mature than the snowflakes of her own age group. This is not altogether a Bad Thing, of course (many relationships are based on far flimsier a foundation), but there are some realities you need to face.
In a couple-three years’ time, your dick is going to stop working. Not your fault, it’s just a sad consequence of male physiology. You can pop the Blessed Woody Pill all you want, but after a while it too will no longer be able to coax any interest from your drooping phallus, and you’ll be left with Custer’s Last Stand, so to speak.
In ten years’ time, you’ll be 74 — and if you’re like most other men, decrepitude will have set in, your brain will start to slow and you’ll be spending most of your time shouting at seagulls.
At this point in time, Miss Hotty Totty will be 40. Here’s a sample picture of a 40-year-old woman:
That’s actress Ruth Wilson. Do you think a woman like that will be wanting to push you around in a wheelchair for the next five or so years? And that’s not even the worst part; this is:
Ruth Wilson ‘thinks about having a baby every day’.
Yup. Unless Miss Hotty Totty has already popped a sprog or two (you didn’t say, but I’m guessing not), her little breeding clock is going to start clanging in her ears (and therefore yours too) like the bells of St. Mary’s. Do you really want to be a daddy again at age 67?
Okay, here’s my advice.
- Get a vasectomy, ASAP. Wank at least once a day for a week (to flush the remaining swimmers out of the tubes) before resumption of the extramarital bonking.
- Keep things going with Miss Hotty Totty and bonk away till your dick fails.
- Try to be discreet about the bonking, and keep this from your wife. I suspect that as long as you don’t throw it in her face, she’ll deal with it, as women so often seem to do.
- Accept that your May-November relationship is only a temporary (albeit fine) thing. Be a grownup.
- If Miss Hotty Totty starts making noises about a “family”, tell her about the vasectomy.
Do all those things, and when it all ends, as it will, at least it won’t end catastrophically. Unless your wife stabs you to death.
Monday Funnies
Still, it could be worse…
…I mean, drink the beer, feed the dog, stab the woman — sheesh.
And our motivational message for the week:
She’s not that self-assured: she’s wearing a bra. I don’t know what that means. My head hurts. It’s Monday.
Just What We Needed
Apparently, Massachusetts is going to allow topless sunbathing om Nantucket Island.
This would occasion no more than a yawn from me, ordinarily, but allow me to point out the kind of people who live on Nantucket (and other islands off the MA coast):
Not that we need any more reasons to never visit Massachusetts, mind you.
(And before anyone gets after me, let me tell you that I’ve been to Nantucket, Block and Martha’s Vineyard in summer — and if anything, the above pics are quite flattering.)