Category: Health

Well, that sucks:

Men are more likely to fracture their penis at Christmas, doctors say.  German medics discovered rates of the eye-watering injury spike over the festive period.

Here’s the background:

Although the penis is not a bone, it can fracture when the appendage is subject to sharp, blunt force. Afterwards, the penis usually resembles an ‘aubergine’, turning purple and swollen.

Ah, so that’s what this emoji means…

…and this one means it’s crying, therefore broken?

Okay, never mind all that.  Here are the Three Major Reasons why you might break your dick over the Christmas period:

• at the office Christmas party, you get too keen trying to shag that chick from Accounting in the upright position (you know,the one with humongous tatas), and slam into the wall by mistake
• it’s the only time of year when the old lady relents and gives you a pity fuck, and you can’t remember how it works after so long a layoff [sic]
• when you get your annual hand job (see above), instead of acting like a lady, she goes all Boston Strangler on your manhood.

Feel free to add your own ideas, in Comments.

…if you’re a compulsive wanker, that is.

While the scientific evidence is still limited, it makes logical sense that regularly using the prostate as it was designed – to create seminal fluid and eject it out of the body – is going to be more beneficial in the longer term than not using it.

The prostate is part-muscle – it contracts during an orgasm to make sure semen goes in the right direction – and all muscles in the body benefit from regular use or they can weaken. And as with any part of the body that secretes fluid, such as the ears or nose, there is a risk of build-up and blockages.

There is some evidence that, if you don’t clear secretions from the prostate, you can end up with an obstruction which, in turn, may cause infection and lead to prostatitis – inflammation of the prostate. This can cause pain and discomfort.

There is also a theory that ejaculating clears the prostate of other potentially inflammatory chemicals.

‘I encourage men with sexual dysfunction to always use an erection. There’s no evidence that abstaining is good for you.’

Ultimately there are no real downsides to upping your sex life – whether solo or with a partner – and lots of potential positives.

And now, if you’ll excuse me…

Oh shuddup.  It’s for my own good.

Yesterday was time for my annual checkup, so after enduring the no-coffee / no-food “fast” for reasons of bloodwork, I settled in to have my chat with Dr. ShitForBrains.

Perhaps a little background is necessary.  I have had three primary doctors since the Great Wetback Episode of 1986 — or perhaps I should say that I’ve outlived two doctors, and am on my third.  (The first, in Chicago, died of leukemia;  the second, in Plano, died of a heart attack.)  Doctor #2 was nicknamed “Shit-for-brains” by the family because he was, to put it mildly, the world’s worst diagnostician.  No matter how much information we gave him, he’d get it wrong.  Lovely man, piss-poor doctor.  We were just about to get another doctor when he snuffed it, and we inherited Doctor #3 in the same practice, who is definitely not ShitForBrains, but the nickname (rather unfairly) has become generic, to distinguish him from the other doctors we’ve since acquired (dermos, heart specs, etc.).  We have an excellent relationship, truly fine, and he gets my sense of humor (as you will see).

Back to yesterday’s visit.  Here’s more or less how it went.

SFB:  All your vitals are good:  weight has dropped (by 40lbs!), BP is excellent, circulation fine, respiration excellent, thyroid fine.  When the bloodwork comes back, we’ll check the cholesterol and so on, but I don’t see any issues.  Had any problems since last time?

Kim:  I’ve just started having plantar fasciitus attacks in my right foot..  Came out of nowhere, very owie two days back, a little better today.

SFB:  [winces] Ouch!  Sorry to hear that.  I’ll give you a printout that’ll help, for exercises.

Kim:  Exercises?  I’m in pain, here.  Can’t you give me a quick pop of Lidocaine or something?

SFB:  Hahaha no.

Kim:  It’s a good thing I left my gun in the car, or else we’d be having a different conversation about Lidocaine.

SFB:  Kim, you know my policy about gun fights in my office.

Kim:  Wouldn’t be much of one;  you’re not carrying.

SFB:  No, but Christie is.  [nods towards his assistant, who gives me That Look]

You’d think I’d have remembered that, because ’twas I who taught her how to shoot and helped her buy her first gun, about eight years back  (S&W Lady Smith in .38 Spec+P — she’s since acquired a Kimber Ultra Carry in .45 ACP because she’s a big girl and can handle it).

Anyway, by then the pain had subsided somewhat, so after having had blood taken, I was on my merry way.

Good health:  I haz it.  (Apart from typical Olde Phartte issues and a sore foot.)

Not bad for… fucking hell, 69 on Sunday.

Time for another gin.