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Under Water

Mocking Furriners, Weather

As some may be aware, the Brits have been getting slammed by storm after storm after storm, bringing rain, floods, gales, more rain, more floods, more gales, and now… snow.

Even the stiff upper lip of Mr. Free Market is trembling, as witnessed by something he sent me yesterday:

Although I must say that the views on the FM estate are quite lovely:

Yeah,I know: according to the global warmists, snowfalls in Britain were supposed to be a thing of the past.  So who are you going to believe:  a bunch of watermelon alarmists and panic-stirring journalists [some overlap], or your own lying eyes?

“Dear Dr. Kim”

Advice

“Dear Dr. Kim:
“I would like more variety in sex but my wife is only interested in vanilla sex – and not much of that.  We got married when we were 18 and inexperienced.  It was the first serious relationship for both of us.  We are 46 now with two grown-up daughters.  Now should be our time but my wife has no interest in sex.  I told her I want to improve our sex life but she says sex is the last thing on her mind.  She hates her breasts being touched. She says oral sex does nothing for her and will not even allow me to try.  I now get it from her once every six months.  She says she can take sex or leave it but it is killing my spirit.  What advice do you have for me?”

— Sex-Starved Monkey

Dear Starved:

I am usually against the modern strain of advice which urges youngins to move in together before they’re married so that they can see if they’re sexually compatible.  Then every so often I see a situation like yours, and that advice doesn’t seem so bad after all.

You didn’t say what your sex life was like right after you got married and before you had kids, but I’m willing to guess that it wasn’t that great to start off with.  But that’s all water under the bridge, so let’s see what you can do now in order to get your leg over a little more often.

My advice is to start a new hobby, a solitary one which takes you out of the house for extended periods of time each week — birdwatching, target shooting, maybe fishing, something of that nature.  Start doing that as soon as possible, and invite the Ice Queen to join you — in fact, insist on her joining you for at least the first few times.  She’ll get bored eventually, and will refuse to come along with you.

Then, and only  then, is when you can get yourself a mistress.  Under cover of your hobby, you’ll have time a-plenty to indulge yourself in carnal pleasures such as oral sex and breast stroking of the non-aquatic variety.  Believe it or not, many women of your age have sympathy for men such as you and will gladly help you out.  It’s called “friends with benefits” nowadays, and it is far preferable to spending time and money on hookers.  (Avoid that option like the plague, because that’s precisely one of the risks, of course.)

There’s only one word of caution I have for you.  You may fall in love with Miss Part-Time, or she with you, or both with each other.  At that point, it’s Grown-Up Time:  you may have to make the decision whether you want to leave the Ice Queen and turn Miss Part-Time into Miss Full-Time.  (Or, gawd forbid, into Mrs. Full-Time.  Don’t do that unless you want your lovely new sex life to disappear like snow on a hot summer’s day.  Learn from your mistakes.)

On the other hand, if you love the Ice Queen despite the no-sex thing, or don’t want to risk leaving the poor excuse of marriage that you have, or realize that you can live with twice-a-year crap sex, then don’t do any of what I just said.  Do what countless men in your predicament do all over the world, and watch lots of Internet porn while wanking yourself into insensibility.  Don’t feel guilty about it, either:  the male sex urge is undeniable and pretty much unstoppable.  I’m not saying you should flaunt that activity in front of the Ice Queen, of course — a gentleman should be discreet about this kind of thing — but if she does catch you in flagrante delicto, do not apologize.  The fault is hers, not yours.  (If she freaks out and says, “I can’t live with a pervert like you”, then take her up on her unspoken invitation.)

One last, and possibly unworthy thought.  Did it ever occur to you that the Ice Queen doesn’t have a problem with sex, but only sex with you?  Are you a slob, or a boor or anything like that?  If you are, then that may be your problem, and not a frigid wife.  If you are not that guy, your wife may not want sex with you because she’s getting it somewhere else.  (I personally doubt it, but it’s worth looking into.)

Good luck, and happy wanking.

— Dr. Kim

Normal disclaimer / obligatory warning for stupid people:

Dr. Kim isn’t a doctor, doesn’t play one on TV (but has been known to do so with unsuspecting women on an ad-hoc basis).  His advice should be taken with a metric tonne of salt and two metric tonnes of humor, and should be followed with extreme care.  Dr. Kim takes no responsibility for outcomes of separation, violence, divorce or strange diseases stemming from the adoption of his advice.

Past The Sell-By Date

Men & Women

Okay, this one got a series of snorks from me, because I’m a sick bastard.  A sample:

All the comments are from women… and sadly, they’re more tragic than funny.

I think that Feminism, when viewed from a historical perspective, will prove to have become completely counter-productive (if not actually destructive) for women after the 1970s, simply because I think it was founded on a faulty premise:  unlike the famous saying, the fact is that you can’t have it all — never could, never will.  Life is a series of compromises, but some compromises are worse than others — women waiting to get married until they’re in their mid- to late thirties being a good example.

If you have daughters in their late teens or early twenties, feel free to pass this link on to them, as a warning.

Commentary

Politics

From Insty:

And as Berkely Breathed once wrote (more or less): “Exhausted by the depth of his political analysis, the reporter was forced to take a nap.”

Reading poll results isn’t analysis, it’s recital.

Monday Funnies

Funny Stuff

Ugh… it’s Monday, and here comes the week’s first problem:

So to stop getting all wet, herewith Teh Funny:

Okay, that’s not especially funny, except that its original caption was “America, Baby!”

But to continue:

Which reminds me, I have to make a doctor’s appointment soon…

And finally, a little Gun Geek humor:

And just to further brighten up your day, Hope Hicks is returning to the White House:

REUTERS/Leah Millis – RC127BBC6B00/File Photo

Now get on that plane, and take off.

Old Gunnies’ Tales

The Gun Thing

Sheriff Jim talks about the myths of self-defense carry, and a couple of times I found myself nodding in agreement along with him.  Here’s one of them.

On long trips I carry a backup S&W 637, but it’s not all that easy to get to (certainly not as easy as my 1911), but I always had that nagging feeling about that “Two is one, one is none” trope — specifically, if you’re carrying a second gun in case your primary gun fails, then perhaps you need to have more faith in your choice of primary in the first place, and get a better gun.

That said:  even my faithful Springfield 1911 has failed, twice, and fortunately, both times at the range.  The first time (at around the 25,000-round mark) was when the slide stop broke (snapped halfway through), but the remnant of the pin still held the gun together through the rest of the shot string when the mag was empty.  So in a self-defense situation, that might not have been so bad.

The second failure was more substantial:  at the 35,000-round point the safety catch broke, almost literally disintegrated in the gun, and the gun became inoperable.  (Fun fact:  when that happens, the grip safety also becomes inoperable, so the 1911 is not safe to carry with a round in the chamber.)  It didn’t matter about the rarity of this event — not only had I never heard of it happening, but the gunsmith hadn’t, either;  nevertheless, it did happen, and I have to admit that it left me quite shaken.

So maybe, just maybe, Old Faithful isn’t that faithful after all — which makes an argument in favor of carrying a backup.

OR:

Maybe a revolver makes a better choice for a primary carry gun — I know, six, seven or even eight rounds aren’t the same as the fifteen-round mag in yer Glock — but revolvers are inherently more reliable than semi-autos, so…

Here’s the big “but” (and it’s bigger than Kim Kardashian’s):  would (say) a S&W 686 have been as reliable as my 1911 after 25,000 full-power loads, or is that an apples-oranges comparison?  What about a S&W 625 (which is chambered in .45 ACP like the 1911)?  Would that have lasted longer without a breakage (at, say, 25,000 rounds) than the 1911?

I have to tell you, after the 1911’s safety broke, I first started thinking about carrying a revolver instead of a semi-auto, and it’s something that weighs on me to this day.  I am very much tempted by the 8-shot Mod 627:

Eight rounds is what I carry in my 1911 anyway, and while a revolver loads a little slower with a speedloader than a mag-fed semi-auto, it’s not that  much slower (after considerable practice, which I’ve had).

This is what happens when you start looking at the carry myths (thanks, Sheriff Jim) — you start to rethink all sorts of long-held habits and beliefs.

“The one thing that I got from the professional hunters is that they don’t plan for when everything works right—they plan for when everything goes wrong.  And, just like the smart defensive shooter, it effects their choice of guns, gear and tactics.  And that, I submit, is a good way to stay alive.”

There you have it.