Combat Controller sends me these pics under the heading: “I think someone’s police department has too much money”:
“…compared to the Sheriff’s department…”:
When you think of how often the city cop cars will be in the shop for repairs (five times per month, average) compared to the Sheriff’s cars (twice a year, average), it’s an even worse picture.
You’ve just won the Grand Prize of a big raffle. The prize is that you get to tour the United States AND Western/Central Europe for six months (in any combination you wish, e.g. four months in the U.S, two in Europe). All expenses and accommodation are paid for. You have your choice of companion: wife, mistress, girlfriend, best buddy, Carol Vorderman, or nobody.
You also have to choose only one car for each continental leg of this trip, which may prove problematic, because they’re all classic cars. However, in the same spirit of the Clarkson trio, you will have a support vehicle driving a couple of miles behind you, so forget about car trouble.
Also: because of the age of the cars, interstate highways and autobahns are not recommended, so you’ll have to use lesser roads e.g. US-50 or US-287, etc.
Here are your choices for the U.S. leg (pick one only):
1932 Stutz DV-32 (5.0-liter straight eight, top speed ~ 100mph)
1934 Packard 1101 Eight Coupe (319 cub.in straight 8, top speed ~ 120mph)
1935 Duesenberg J Walker Grand Torpedo (6.9-liter straight 8, top speed ~ 115mph) 
1936 Auburn Boat Tail Speedster (5.3-liter straight 8, top speed ~ 120mph) 
Now for the “European leg”. You can choose to tour only the U.K. in one of the three right-hand drive cars — OR only the European continent in one of the three left-hand drive cars:
United Kingdom
1936 MG SA Tourer (2-liter inline 4, top speed ~ 80mph)
1938 SS-100 Jaguar Roadster (2.5-liter inline 6, top speed ~ 100mph) 
1938 Alfa Romeo 6C 2300 B (2.3-liter inline 6, top speed ~ 105mph)
(I know, it’s not a Brit car; but it is one of the most beautiful Alfas ever made, it’s RHD, and you’ll have a support team, remember?)
Continental Europe
1936 Horch 853 A (4.9-liter straight 8, top speed ~ 120mph)
1938 BMW 328 Cabriolet (1.9-liter inline 4, top speed ~ 110mph)
1938 Mercedes 540K Cabrio A (4.9-liter inline 8, top speed ~ 125mph) 
Enjoy the trips…
…from yesterday’s post about driving around the Virginia International Raceway:
Group A: 2009 Wiesmann Roadster
Are you kidding me? A German V10 in a custom-built luxury sports car? Vroom, vroom.
Group B: 1995 Aston Martin DB7
Never driven an A-M… time to do so.
Group C: 1985 Lancia Delta S4
Better than the Stratos? I’d need to judge for myself…
Group D: 1975 BMW 3.0 CSL
Not even close. One of the best cars BMW ever made.
Group E: 1967 Iso Grifo 350 GL
American engine, Italian styling. Also, not even close.
Group F: 1955 Fiat 8V Zagato
Let’s see: four-time winner of the Euro Sports Car championship, a snarling 2-liter V8 engine… what was the question, again?
Next Sunday will feature yet another series of difficult choices. I rather like this game.
You have been given a free day to drive the Virginia International Raceway (long track). For those unfamiliar, here it is (click to embiggen):
You have been given a whole Fall day to drive a half-dozen cars of your choice, from the list below, from dawn till dusk (about 7.30pm) around this 3.5-mile track, and you’ll have the place all to yourself. The weather forecast is for clear and sunny skies, with perhaps a brief shower at midday, clearing after about an hour. Temperatures will be in the mid-50s (11C to15C, for those of the Celsius persuasion).
You will be limited to up to twenty (20) laps for each car; three warm-up laps (no faster than 50mph) to get the oil temperatures up and for familiarization, and the rest at whatever speed you wish. Individual lap times can be kept for comparative purposes.
Mechanical service will be available at any time (so assume no breakdowns), and fresh tires will be provided as needed.
The cars from which you must make your choices are from the following list, and *note well* you may pick only one car from each group:
Group A (“Roaring 20s”)
Car #1: 2009 Wiesmann GT MF5 Roadster (go here if you’re unfamiliar)
Car #2: 2015 Maserati GT:
Car #3: 2015 Corvette Z06
Car #4: 2015 Ferrari California T
Everyone made their (one) choice? then on to
Group B (“Naughty Nineties”)
Car #1: 1995 BMW 840i
Car #2: 1995 Honda/Acura NSX
Car #3: 1995 Ford Mustang SVT Cobra R
Car #4: 1995 Aston Martin DB7
Now for the next choice, from
Group C (“Aching Eighties”)
Car #1: 1985 Lotus Esprit Turbo
Car #2: 1985 De Tomaso Pantera GT5-S
Car #3: 1987 Buick Grand National GNX
Car #4: 1985 Lancia Delta S4 Group B
Next, it’s time for
Group D (“Savage Seventies”)
Car #1: 1975 Jensen Interceptor III
Car #2: 1975 Ferrari 365 Berlinetta Boxer
Car #3: 1975 BMW 3.0 CSL (E9)
Car #4: 1978 Ford Mustang Cobra
All done? Move on to
Group E (“Sexy Sixties”)
Car #1: 1965 Alfa Romeo TZ2 Zagato
Car #2: 1967 Bizzarrini P538
Car #3: 1961 Ferrari 250 GTI Lusso
Car #4: 1967 Iso Grifo 350 GL
And your final choice comes from
Group F (“Fabulous Fifties”)
Car #1: 1955 Ford T-bird
Car #2: 1955 Maserati 450 S
Car #3: 1956 Porsche 356 A
Car #4: 1955 Fiat 8V Zagato
There you have it: six cars from six different decades.
Enjoy the drive.
From Longtime Reader Chaz (who had obviously taken his Grumpy Pill earlier), I got this response to yesterday’s post about driving around Italy with a gorgeous actress by your side:
As the son of an actress and a barrister, born to the stage, I have to tell you that the very idea of being obliged to drive an actress, any actress, the length of a country, any country, in a car, any car, is for me a much less than appealing prospect.
Damn it all, man, most of your cars don’t even have a back seat for her to back-seat-drive from.
Were I blackmailed or otherwise coerced into doing this I would select the fastest car and get the whole wretched business over as quickly as possible. Whichever actress came with the car could jolly well keep schtum or ride the rest of the way in the trunk (note effortless use of correct US terminology).
My choice (definitely assuming your stipulation of ‘no breakdowns’) would be the Alvis Stalwart.
And ideally no passengers. One of my recurrent nightmares used to be that of being confined for a fortnight to a compartment on the Trans-Siberian Railway with the late Archbishop Desmond Tutu. As the poor fellow is no longer with us perhaps this one will now subside.
It had me howling with laughter all the way through.
Especially at the vision of Chaz trying to maneuver the Stalwart through some of those teeny Italian village streets…
I understand the problems associated with actresses (having been once married to one) and the exasperating experience of highly-strung, unreliable old cars (former Fiat driver), but none of that compares to the absolute joy of piloting either of them at full speed, so to speak. In other words, it would be well worth the hassle.
All that said, I nearly wimped out with my choice because, as y’all know, it’s an unbelievably difficult choice: which gorgeous car? which gorgeous woman? It’s a conjoint analysis with so many factors…
…but Gina Lollobrigida and the Austin-Healey combine throbbing sexuality with throbbing automotive power, so #3 ends up being my ultimate choice.
Next Sunday’s post will feature a similar set of gut-wrenching choices.
…asks Reader Brad:
“You talk about VWs, Lancia, etc., all the time, but don’t seem to make much mention of what the Frogs created.”
..and then points me to this list.
Speaking frankly [sic], the Frog cars are a classic case of where Gummint stuck its greedy fingers where they didn’t belong, i.e. by levying a tax on horsepower — the lowest tax being on engines generating (from memory) less than 15hp. This meant that most passenger cars were perennially underpowered, despite the technological superiority that French car manufacturers had over most others in the world. Now add the recent development of adding yet another layer to the puissance fiscale (PF, or “power tax”) by incorporating a carbon dioxide emission multiplier:
PF = (CO₂/45) + (P/40)^1.6
where P is horsepower, and Frog cars are still underpowered except where they’re not, i.e. in rally-style cars or hot (and expensive) hatchbacks. The giant Citroën DS’s engine, for example, never generated more than 100hp so despite the DS having the smoothest ride of any car (before and since), it was a lumbering beast whose 0-60mph time was measured by calendar rather than stopwatch.
For the most part, too, outside the luxury cars like the DS, French fit and finish have always been crappy, and the non-use of vulcanized steel meant that in a country which has wet, damp weather much of the time, you can hear the car rusting when you turn off the engine. [some hyperbole there]
This does not mean that the French make lousy cars. When they are allowed to, they make absolute monsters, such as the Peugot Le Mans sports cars which were Audi’s only serious competitors at that race during the mid-2000s:
…or the Matra-Simca race cars which so dominated sports car races in the early 1970s:
…or for that matter, the Renault F1 factory cars of the early 1980s:
…with their engines winning several drivers’ championshops for Williams (Nigel Mansell, Alain Prost etc.) in the early 1990s.
So what about the passenger cars? Looking at the list above, there’s probably only one I’d take, the Venturi Atlantique 400 GT:
…because of its wonderful 1980s styling. (Reader Brad lusts after the 1930s Delahaye 135MS, even though that long bonnet hides a 3.3-liter engine which produces only 110hp, i.e. <10 PF units):
However, my favorite French car of all time is the wonderfully old-fashioned Citroën Traction Avant:
Because if I’m going to drive around in an underpowered Frog passenger car (1900cc, 56hp, <4 CF units), I’ll take style and comfort as the benefits, thank you. And put up with the water leaking into the passenger compartment every time it rains — in true Gallic fashion, Citroën never fixed that problem, after making the TA for nearly a quarter of a century.
This car, by the way, is still the hands-down favorite choice in France as a bridal car.
