Tag: Gluttony

No Accounting

Food & Drink

It’s interesting how different nations will take the same ingredients, eat them a certain way, and strange looks (or sometimes, gagging noises) will ensue from others who can’t see it being eaten that way.

Take for example Britishland’s favorite, the prawn sandwich:

Most Murkins, at this point, are going “Say what?”  while the Frogs are going “Quoi?”  (with added lip curl).

Of course, New Englanders eat lobster on bread rolls, so we’re not that far apart — but Old Englanders would look askance at that because for them, lobster is strictly a main course, e.g. the Thermidor:

Back onto the prawn thing, though:  even I, a committed Anglophile, have to admit to a little puzzlement at prawn sarnies, accustomed as I am — as are most other Murkins — to seeing shrimp (or prawns, for that matter), in a cocktail or as an appetizer:

All that said, I could see myself eating shrimp on, say, a croissant:

…because a croissant is more like pastry than a prosaic slice of Wonderbread.

Okay, is anyone else starting to feel hungry?  For a chip butty (UK’s #2), maybe?

(a.k.a. carbs squared)

Two nations, divided by a common food. [sigh]

It’s enough to put a man off his breakfast gin.  (Or is that just my favorite?)

Old But Still Funny

Food & Drink, Funny Stuff

I remember reading this and crying with laughter, many years ago.  Enjoy.

“Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in… I was assured by the other two judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3.”

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 – MIKE’S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI

Judge # 1 — A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 — Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) — Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 – EL RANCHO’S AFTERBURNER CHILI

Judge # 1 — Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 — Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 — Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 – ALFREDO’S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

Judge # 1 — Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 — A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 — Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting red-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4=2 0- BUBBA’S BLACK MAGIC

Judge # 1 — Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 — Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 — I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. Woman is starting to look HOT… just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 – LISA’S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

Judge # 1 — Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 — Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 — My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

CHILI # 6 – VARGA’S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

Judge # 1 — Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 — The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 — My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 – SUSAN’S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

Judge # 1 — A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 — Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment (**I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.)
Judge # 3 — You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing. It’s too painful. I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 – BIG TOM’S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI

Judge # 1 — The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 — This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he’d have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 — No report.

For some reason, I’m really lusting after chili now.  I think I’ll make me some. #NoFuckingBeans

Attention Biltong-Lovers

Food & Drink

Here’s a decent little video about making a decent piece of biltong.  The spices and mixes are exactly the same as mine (see below), and the only areas where we differ are that I make much bigger pieces so that the inside is much wetter than his (New Wife likes her biltong very wet), and I don’t use hot chili flakes (New Wife doesn’t like very hot foods).

At the end, the guy exclaims that he can eat biltong all day, like that’s something unusual.  If I leave it lying out on the cutting board, New Wife and I can gobble a stick a day, so I have to hide the damn stuff so that we forget about it.

Just remember that when you eat biltong, the dried meat expands in your stomach back to its original size.  I ration myself to about 8-12 slices per day.  Back in my Army days, I could make a stick last a week, and not lose a pound of weight.

I’m going to make some tomorrow.  It’s been a week already since the last lot, and the natives are getting restless.

Ingredients, per 1lb of raw meat:

  • 8 tbsp red wine vinegar/brown apple cider vinegar
  • 1.5-2 tbsp coarse (kosher) salt
  • 2 tsp coarse ground black pepper
  • 2-3 tbsp whole coriander seeds

 

Not A Problem

Food & Drink

Back when I lived in Johannesburg, I never lived anywhere that had air conditioning because, quite frankly, it wasn’t necessary — you’re hot, you open a window.  Maybe turn on a small fan if there’s no breeze, but there was always a breeze.

Because of that, I had to keep my butter in the fridge because otherwise it would spoil very quickly.

Now?  Forget it:  with a/c and a constant (cool) temperature, I always leave the butter out (covered, of course) because I hate tearing up my bread with stiff, cold butter.

Apparently, this is a thing.

WE have all been storing butter wrong – and we should make a very quick change to revamp our use of the dairy delight, according to one campaigner.

Joelle Mertzel is the leading the charge to change the way people treat their butter – insisting it should be kept out of the fridge. The 49-year-old says that butter does not have to be chilled – and can instead be kept happily on the counter for weeks on end. Joelle, a mum-of-three, from California, has even commissioned lab tests to prove her theory.
And she is campaigning to make the American government change their butter guidelines. 

Keyword:  guideline.

In other words:  who cares what the .dotgov “recommends”?  Remember when the Food Pyramid was their big deal?  And, as we all know, the pyramid has been proven to be totally fucked up, like oh-so many government “guidelines”.

Methinks the Californian woman has too much time on her hands if she’s bothering with this shit.

In passing, I should point out that in my house, no pound of butter has ever lasted longer than a few days before being consumed, so the whole issue is moot.

And now, if you’ll excuse me, I think I’ll make myself a sarnie.

New Devilment

Food & Drink

…I mean development. As though Twinkies were not bad enough, the Hostess Baking Company has launched Bouncers.

“Wait, Kim… you mean like bouncing boobies?”

No.  I mean mini-Twinkies presented in sealed three-packs, but glazed — as though regular Twinkies were not sufficiently enticing.  (They kinda do look like mini-boobies, though.)

Of course, this being a full-service blog, I had to test them (so that my Loyal Readers won’t have to).

Verdict:  more than two (their “suggested servicing size” is three) will leave you “OMG-I’m-gonna-hurl” nauseated.

I had six.  Because Science.

Through Fresh Eyes

The Worst

So Beloved Granddaughter has left us (along with her lovely parents) and gone back to Seffrica sob sob.

While Over Here, of course, we showed them around and tried to see the country from their perspective.

While they truly enjoyed themselves — I mean, Buc-ees, who could hate that? — there were some blots on the landscape, and here are the three most egregious:

1 – Waffle House Sucks

It used to be the place where America had breakfast on the road, and where we could be assured of an inexpensive meal drawn from a dizzying choice of meals.  Now?  I won’t be going back.  A cut-down, tiny menu (fallout from Covid, by the way), no longer inexpensive, and to be honest, the food was terrible even by WH’s standards.  (More on this later.)

2 – Sports Merchandise Is A Fucking Ripoff

We got to babysit Beloved Granddaughter while her parents went to watch a Dallas Mavericks game, which they enjoyed immensely — although bewildered by the spectacle.  The next morning, I went to Academy to buy them some Mavs stuff for souvies.  Did I?  Like hell I did.  $30 for a cheap (made in Third World Country #7) t-shirt?  $50 for a ditto sweatshirt, $25 for a cap?  WHO ARE THEY KIDDING?

3 – Light Beer Is Not Only Piss, It’s Also A Rip-Off

Son-in-law tried three different light beers (Bud Light, Miller Lite and Michelob Ultra), and declared them all to be shit beyond words.  (I could have told him that, but he wanted to “try the American experience” — his words —  even though I warned him against it.)  The nadir of all this came at the Mavs game, where he paid $10 for a cup of the aforesaid Michelob Ultra.  His description of American “light” beer cannot be repeated here, lest it offend my Readers’ sensitive feelings, and he is the politest, most Christian young man I’ve ever met.

Bonus:  Even Cheap Food Is Overpriced

Breakfast at IHOP:  $90 for four, excluding tip.  $12 for a stack of pancakes?  What the hell has happened to us?

Quite apart from poverty issues, it’ll be a LONG time before New Wife and I eat out again.  The prices aren’t just high, they’re a fucking insult.