Tag: Humor

Dear Dr. Kim.
I’m a single guy of 37 and I moved back to my mother’s house when I lost my job. Mum has only lived there for three years so I hardly knew her neighbors but we’d chat over the fence during the pandemic.
The neighbors are a couple with three kids. He’s 42 and she’s 40.
One Sunday afternoon while the husband was working and the children were at a friend’s house, she offered me a beer.
As she passed it over, she kissed me full on the lips. I was surprised but reacted instinctively by kissing her back, and I felt so turned on. I think it was the thrill of doing something so dangerous.  Then she said: “I’ve been longing to do that for months.”
I was concerned Mum would see me, so after a quick chat I went inside. Mum was watching TV and oblivious to anything I was doing.
A couple of weeks later I bumped into Mum’s neighbor in a bar. She made a beeline for me and whispered in my ear that she wanted more.  She said her marriage was all but over and they never had sex any more. She said she’d never forgive him for insisting they put down her cat because it meowed too loudly.
That night we snuck outside for a drunken fondle at the back of the bar.
This woman is seriously hot. She has seen me at my worst, mowing the lawn in my scruffs or sitting on the step with a hangover looking bad, yet she still fancies me.
We’ve been messaging for weeks now. She’s just told me her family are going away this weekend but she can’t go due to her work shifts.
She wants me to go round there. I’m sorely tempted. What should I do?
— Torn, UK

Dear Tatters,

The responsible thing would be to tell her you can’t because she’s married and you’re afraid that if you bonked her and it got out, your Mum would be ashamed and her relationship with the neighbors would be awkward.

However.

You’re not a callow yoot of 18;  you’re on the slippery slope to middle age.  Take it from me:  as you get older, opportunities to bonk willing women die away very rapidly, until one day you suddenly wake up with blue balls and kick yourself, saying, “Damn, I should have shagged that neighbor woman when I had the chance.”

Those are the worst kind of regrets.

My advice?  Bonk her once, hard and long.  Only once.  Then say afterwards, “I feel so guilty because I’ve been unfaithful to the girl I think I’m going to marry.”  (Have a picture of some random chick of about 25 in your wallet — not on your phone — and show it to Neighbor Lady.)

That way, she gets a quickie, you get a quickie, but she’ll leave you alone after that, especially if you can conjure up a lady friend (best:  who either is or resembles closely the girl in the photo) who can come over to yer Mum’s house to play the part.  Introduce her to Neighbor Lady, and hold hands as you walk back inside.

Then, and only then, can you be strong and give her the brush-off should she want a return engagement.

Or you can go with Option A above.