Humor – Page 214 – Splendid Isolation

Dream Garden

August 19, 2020 Kim du Toit Good Stuff, Mocking Furriners, Real Estate

According to Some Survey Or Other (Science!!!), this is what most Brits dream of when thinking about their ideal garden:

Okay, some of them are just daffy — a maze? — and good luck getting the go-kart track past the neighbors (unless you’re going to be racing electric go-karts).

I am as given to dreaming and wishful thinking as any, and probably more than most; but I can’t help thinking that having so many outdoor activity features (yoga areas, outdoor gym etc.) are not going to be used that often given a climate in which Britain’s principal export is rain.

Also, excepting bloated plutocrats such as Mr. Free Market (whose estate holdings make Prince Charles look like a slum dweller) and Top Gear’s Richard Hammond (who has a castle), most Brit houses have an average outdoor area which can be measured just as well in square inches as feet — and not the 88-foot “desirable” backyard they dream of.

In Kim Terms, 88 feet couldn’t even accommodate a 25-yard indoor pistol range, which leads me to my next point.

Notably absent from all the Brit dream gardens is anything devoted to shooting. I know that the BritGov (a pox be upon it) seems to frown on the shooting sports, but nowhere on the above do I see listed even something as innocuous as an archery range. (I have a well-founded suspicion that a similar list taken from a poll of my Readers would have a 100-yard rifle range near the top, followed closely by a 1,000-yard playground where one could happily play with Barrett rifles etc.)

So, on to just such a poll. In Comments, please list — in order — the top 10 most desirable features you’d like to see in your “back yard” (define it however you wish: “back forty” is also acceptable). Don’t bother with explanations or exposition; the inclusions should be pretty much self-explanatory, e.g. “four-bay 25-yard air-conditioned indoor pistol range” (which would be in my own top 3, incidentally).

No mazes. Also exclude strange exotica such as “hippie burial ground” and the like. This is a serious poll. [eyecross]

Have fun with it, and limit ten, please.

News Roundup

August 18, 2020 Kim du Toit Bad News

Commentary short and sweet, like Isla Fisher.

…from his office in San Antonio.

…no doubt upon the advice of his shaman after reading the chicken entrails. And speaking of fairy tales:

…is our preview of the feature film, “Green New Deal”. And:

…as Britain and California get in their race for the bottom. Speaking of racing to the bottom:

…I know, they backed away from the policy after a massive public outcry. But the very fact that they thought of doing this… Also, speaking of dying cities:

…as Chicago, New York, Portland, Seattle and the rest of the socialist paradises start to circle the bowl.

…BritGov to ban pens in 5… 4… 3… 2… 1… I mean, nobody needs more than a crayon, amirite?

…I’m thinking daisycutter bombs and MOABs, not “bigger guns”; but that’s just me.

…welcome to the U.S., Yer Gingerness. Now bend over that IRS desk, just like the rest of us.

…seeing as the BritGov has solved all Britain’s other pressing social needs, that is.

And finally, some excellent news for a change:

…there was some other crap in the headline about face masks, but this is all I care about.

Quote Of The Day

August 17, 2020 Kim du Toit Mocking Furriners

From the always-readable James Delingpole comes this outstanding zinger:

“Just when did Britain become so incredibly, embarrassingly shit?”

His take on the British people is curt and cutting (“an embarrassing mess: a nation of snitches and cry-bullies, tinpot fascists and mask-compliant bedwetters”), but that’s not his only target.

While Delingpole also hauls off at Boris Johnson (“a priapic lard-butted lightweight chancer who should never have been given the keys to Number 10”), he saves most of his ire for the Oily Little Shit Tony Blair (“closet Trotskyite”) and the mainstream media / government bureaucracy (“over-influential demagogues like the revolting Piers Morgan, not to mention the whole of the BBC, Channel 4, Sky News, and virtually every newspaper, the civil service, everyone in the judiciary…”).

It’s not often I read a rant which I wish I’d written; but this is one for the ages. Read it all, and chuckle. (Or weep, if you’re British.)

And by the way: if you see a large number of parallels to the United States… well, that was the whole point of this post.

Monday Funnies

August 17, 2020 Kim du Toit Funny Stuff

After a lovely weekend, Monday mornings are like being really hungover after some heroic partying, and waking up to this lying on the pillow next to you.

So to get that out of your minds, here’s some fun stuff.

Actually, that’s the average corporate workplace nowadays, except that it needs a couple of HR weasels to round it off.

Don’t see why; I can see at least a dozen pieces that aren’t actually touching the floor.

And while we’re on that topic:

Good question. And finally:

Another good question. But instead of questions, let’s all look at some answers, to the question: “What’s so good about 105-degree days?”:

Hope that helps.

News Roundup

August 12, 2020 Kim du Toit Bad News

With commentary so brief, I’m being sued by Fruit Of The Loom.

…we all know that Arabs are thieves, but when they appropriate our ~~Injun~~ Native American technology, that’s just beyond the pale. Who do they think they are: Chinese?

and:
…hate to break it to you, Mayor Lightweight, but Chicago is already the poster child for gun control. Clearly, it’s working really well for you.

…which is not even the most stupid thing she’s ever said — she defies satire.

…yup, that’s going to appeal to their core fan base — assuming they still have one.

…until next week. Still, this seems to make sense (unlike most of the other shit).

…I just wish this wasn’t satire.

…why limit it to roadblocks? Hit the gas pedal every time you see a group of black-clad assholes, to save the republic. Use those man-killer pickup trucks, damn it.