“Dear Dr. Kim,
“Last week I was out for my daily 5-mile walk when some woman shouted at me for not wearing a face mask. Some background: it’s not a crowded place — in fact, most days I don’t see anyone at all out there — so I really don’t see what the fuss is all about. My question: what’s the proper response when someone scolds me for not wearing a mask? Should I apologize, or just say nothing and move on?”
— Ashamed, Oregon
Dear Shameful,
You have two problems here; one is low self-esteem, and the other is aimlessness. In the first case, the proper response to one of these Karens is to shout “FUCK YOU!” back at them, as loudly as you possibly can. If they respond, or start getting silly about it, then shout, “I’m so glad you’re wearing a mask, because I bet you’re fucking UGLY underneath that thing.” Then, as a last resort, pepper-spray them in the face if they get close to you in an aggressive manner.
As for your other problem: what the fuck are you doing walking around with no destination in mind? Just so you know: a five-mile walk to a decent pub is fine — a little excessive, maybe, but if the pub is good enough, worth the sacrifice. Ditto, a five-mile stalk while hunting is also permissible because there’s a chance of a dead animal at the end of it — but a five-mile walk just for the sake of walking is a total waste of time and for that, you should be ashamed of yourself. If you really have to walk that far but don’t drink [shudder] or it’s not hunting season, then take up golf. Ordinarily, I don’t recommend golf to anyone because, well, golf; but yours is an extreme case — and I guarantee you: nobody you meet on the golf course is going to scold you for not wearing a mask.
