Tag: Humor

Stuff that makes me laugh

News Roundup

Bad News

…with even shorter commentary than usual!


…but what would really upset them would be the number of volunteers to man the firing squads.  And considering they’re all on the ChiCom payroll….


…of course we do.  So we can get lots more of this kind of thing: 
…

…and a special message to the has-beens known as the Bush Dynasty:  shut the fuck up.


…and you’ve gotta see the pic.


…because Communism is SO civilized… you murderous cocksuckers.  And:


…at a rough guess, pretty much everything they said, including “and” and “the”.


…and for the first time ever, I’m envious of the Danes.


…I always knew he didn’t kill himself.  From the funniest website since the Babylon Bee.


…LOL.  Cue Big Education’s screams of outrage as their lies are exposed, in 3… 2… 1…


…and when he recited his wedding vows,  still no one could understand what he was saying.


…hey, no fair, wait a minute:  did Republicans have a plan B when John McCain became their frontrunner?


…okay, stop laughing now, this is serious.

News Roundup

Bad News

Just popping over for a little of the old in-out, darling. [/Clockwork Orange]


…


…which will make it a little difficult to manage the Commie louts in my preferred manner, but oh well.


…I was going to rant about filthy foreigners and their horrible dietary choices, but then I remembered things like refried beans, squid ink, black pudding and White Castle sliders.


…yup, keep in prodding the rattlesnake, Governor Witless.  And the media reaction:


…actually, the stormtroopers would be the state police agents that the governor is using to enforce her insane lockdown policy.


…so not much has changed, then.


…actually, we already hate you, you Communist motherfuckers.  Trump’s just reminding us why.


…and Harvard professor Bartholet uses incident as further reason for banning homeschooling.


…as the BritPolice’s fearless war on victimless crime continues.


…I guess it all depends on how you define “spiritual wellbeing”.

Which reminds me:  I need to stop off at Goody Goody later today for a case of Sipsmiths.

Monday Funnies

Funny Stuff

Coronavirus captivity self-isolation, Day 956, and all the government edicts are starting to have an effect:

While some people are being “allowed” to go back to work:

…not everyone can do so:

Others are starting to feel the strain:

Still others are tackling weighty isolation issues:

…some people are just getting more and more depressed.

A few people are unaffected by the pandemic:

And some have even benefited from the thing:

But some themes are just eternal:

So to help you forget all this morbid stuff, some things that don’t suck.  Here’s a one-time skyscraper hotel building, redesigned into social-distance accommodation:

Social distancing, country style:

And maybe there’s some light at the end of the tunnel:

Until that time, here’s a little trip down Mammary Lane.  First, Bernadette Peters:

…Jamie Lee Curtis:

…Susan Sarandon:

…and finally, Dolly:

…who wins, by several cup sizes.

“Dear Dr. Kim”

Advice

“Dear Dr. Kim:
“I recently won a large lottery, and now I’m being inundated with offers of sex from women.  While this is very flattering and all, I’m starting to get sick of it.  What can I do about the situation?”

— Oversexed, Rochdale UK

Dear Over,

Firstly, I have to chastise you for announcing that you’d won the lottery before you’d put your new stash into a super-secret trust fund, untouchable and unreachable to strangers.
Secondly:  with tens of millions in the bank, you advertised for dates?  I was going to ask if you’re fucking stupid, but there’s no need:  you are.  But anyway, that bullet has gone through the church and now all the little gold-diggers in the world have crawled out of their holes, wanting a piece of your action, so to speak.

Here’s what you should do.  Call a news conference and tell them that you’re going to abstain from sex until your AIDS test has come back negative.  Complain that the labs have put your test at the back of the queue because of all the coronavirus testing they have to do, so it’s gonna take a while.  In the meantime, anyone wanting sex from you in the future needs to bring a recent STD test before you’ll even consider bonking them.  (This isn’t a bad thing to do, anyway:  most of the totties in your age group seem to have some kind of pox or other.)

Good luck.  You’re going to need it.  Oh, and any future consultation with me will carry a bill for a million bucks.

— Dr. Kim

News Roundup

Bad News

In and out in ninety seconds, just like a teenage boy’s first sexual encounter.


…a rough guess as to why would be that the banks will have zero chance of getting any money back from the airlines, and it’s easier to stiff millions of individuals than try to sue a few airlines.


…which would piss me off, if I ever used the bloated and stupid MS Word for anything.


…wait:  China’s been lying?  Excuse me while I go and borrow Sarah Hoyt’s shocked face.


…except that the MexGov, unlike China, wasn’t lying;  they’re just stupidly inefficient.


…serve her right, the little cock-teaser.


…and in other news, the Japs Asians just bombed Pearl Harbor.


…see “Pearl Harbor”, above.  Gotta hand it to the DHS:  always a day late and a billion dollars short.  Also, I’m hanging onto Sarah’s shocked face for a while, because


…you mean Politico isn’t a dependable source for news, and is just like all the other China-asskissing media?


…oops.


…ooohh, he is going to be in SO much trouble for flouting the “social distancing” regulations so egregiously.