Tag: Humor

Stuff that makes me laugh

5 Worst Ways To Begin A Speech

Friday Feature, The Worst

Ranked in ascending order of dreadfulness:

  • “Heil Hitler!”
  • “As the best man, let me start by apologizing to everyone that the groom didn’t show up for the ceremony today…”
  • “Ladies and gentlemen, and those who’ve had the operation…”
  • “Before I start my speech, let me first tell you the joke about the nigger, the Jewboy and the faggot…”
  • “Tonight I want to explain how I lost the election to Donald Trump…”

Your own suggestions in Comments, as always.

Medical Alert

Funny Stuff

Just in time for those winter sniffles comes this news:

A man claimed that masturbating cleared his sinuses – and doctors said he was right.
Skyler, a husband from Arizona, said that when he couldn’t fall asleep due to his stuffy nose, he decided to take matters into his own hands.
He appeared on the show The Doctors where the professionals broke down the science behind his X-rated trick. They explained that during an orgasm the muscles contract around the body, including inside the nose, which can temporarily relieve sinus pressure for both men and women.
Research has shown orgasms can also help with the immune system, insomnia, stress, pain and overall help live longer.

So I have only one thing to say:

By the way, I have no idea whether this miracle cure works for women.

(As my friend Patterson once said: “Women have orgasms? They’ll be wanting the vote, next.”)

5 Worst Things To Hear During Sex

Friday Feature, The Worst

…because we’ve already explored the five worst things to hear after sex:

  • “Sorry, I guess my diarrhea hasn’t finished yet”
  • “Can you go a little deeper?”
  • “I think you’re making my genital warts bleed”
  • “I wish I was anywhere else but here right now”
  • “When I said you were tighter than a 10-year-old, that was supposed to be a compliment.”

Your suggestions in Comments. If they were actually said to you (e.g. the penultimate one, in my case), so much the better.

Again

Funny Stuff

As the movement towards the suppression of humor — i.e. funny jokes, satire and such — seems to be gathering steam, I become more and more determined to resist it. Example:

“Wait: you put a baby into a microwave oven?”
“Yes.”
“What happened?”
“Dunno. I was too busy masturbating.”

More as I think of them. Oh, and by the way: imagine that I had said “Muslim baby” in the above joke. No doubt there would have been convulsions of outrage.

Now imagine that some Muslim academic asshole had told the joke using “Jew baby” instead. Do I hear… crickets?