Stuff that makes me laugh
In ascending order of appalling:
Your nominations in Comments.
It’s stories like this which brighten up my day:
A mother sent her five-year-old to his school nativity with a ‘shepherd’ costume she bought online — before realising it came with a blow up sheep sex doll.
No doubt the online vendor of the product was based in Wales, or New Zealand…
“Dear Dr. Kim,
“My daughter, a former TV actress, married very well — in fact, she married into Britain’s Royal Family. Since her wedding, I’ve been texting her every day but she ignores my texts (I believe it’s called “ghosting” nowadays).
What can I do to get her to respond to me?”
— Shunned In California
Dear Shunned:
Missing from your letter is how often you texted her before she “married well”. If the answer is “every day”, then you have a legitimate gripe, and the callous little bitch is a social climber of the worst kind.
If, however, the answer is “never” or “hardly ever” or “only to beg her for money”, then you’re the dickhead and she’s well rid of you.
— Dr. Kim
I never read celebrity trash [some overlap] magazines unless I’m in a waiting room and there’s nothing else to read except for magazines that will make me grow breasts just by touching them. And even then, I page quickly through crap like People, Us and Entertainment Weekly, playing a game with myself as to how few of the “celebrities” I can actually recognize. (My current score is roughly 5%, and that only because some 70s musicians occasionally make the presses, see below.)
A couple of days ago I was waiting for the Mexicans to finish cleaning my car, and the only magazine to read was (I think) People, and I thought I’d share just a couple samples of their fare:
“I’ve never given 60 seconds of my life to those Housewives of Blah Blah and the Kardashians. I don’t know their names.” — Jon Bon Jovi
Me neither. Well, to be honest, I do know some of the Kardashian coven (Kim, Kris and Kunty), but that’s about it. But thankfully, all the “real” housewives are a complete blank to me.
Then there is a feature called “5 Things We’re Talking About“… oy. Here are a couple examples:
1 ) Prince George is taking ballet lessons. And according to his dad William, “he loves it”. These, lest we forget, are the two future kings of Great Britain, King Gormless I and the Gay-King Georgie-Boy. How special.
3 ) Some Australian billionaire is funding the building of a complete replica of the Titanic, only with (and I quote), “more lifeboats and modern navigation equipment”. Just to be on the safe side, the new Titanic should still operate only in the Southern Pacific because of you-know-what.
There was more, oh so much more, but then Ricardo called out that my car was all done. Boy, was it ever — it looked brand new.
I gave him a good tip*. I told him never to read People magazine. He’ll thank me for it one day.
*Also $10. He did a great job.
Your suggestions in Comments…
In ascending order of ugliness:
Your suggestions in Comments.